Divorced, but 'still hopeful' to reconcile.

[still hopeful]

Goodnight.

I am looking forward to what tomorrow will bring my way. I know that all of my efforts thus far, well-thought out, fruitful and NOT have brought me to the point that I need to be. I have hung on to the idea of reconciling with my own chicken-s*** way of committing to doing all that I can do but being held back by the very real and very feared likelihood that XW will make it clear, even to hard-headed me, that our chances of reconciling our M are below ZERO.

I know that, as my friend frank_D told me, that I need to change how I have been going forward now that I finally have my gut-level honesty on my side instead of the gnawing feeling of knowing that I have been avoiding step ONE of working to reconciling my M. I will set and keep boundaries for myself and allow her inside those boundaries under circumstances that work for me and only in the instances where her behavior warrants being in my presence. I will protect myself emotionally now. I will stand up TO her so that she will have no doubt that she can rely on me to stand up FOR her. I will stand tall and stand strong to NOT allow her to beat me up emotionally because I have confessed a wrongdoing, apologized and expressed sincere remorse and because she knows that I still feel guilty.

I will forgive myself of my guilt and shame and tell Satan that my mind is not longer his playground, and Jesus has washed ALL of my stains clean with His blood. I am aware, that what I have already done and NOT done has been forgiven because I have laid my transgressions and imperfections at the foot of the cross. I am also aware that my actions, or lack thereof, may have already killed our chances of reconciling, but regardless, I feel alive just knowing that I finally got over MY fear of the unknown and my fear of having NO control in my reconciling situation other than by directing MY own feelings and MY own actions, calling to my Lord and asking that He be my shepherd and lead me where He knows I need to follow. I surrender. I will listen. I will obey. I will follow. Amen.

I keep reminding myself to be thankful for what IS. What IS is that (1) my XW still has very intense emotions and feelings about me; (2) she is extremely mad about what I have done and NOT done correctly (in her view) and she is thinking about it, organizing it, processing it, and really FEELING her true emotions about me for the first time since we first split; (3) I spoke my truth about my fears which prevented me from communicating with her while we were married; not an excuse, but debilitating to me nonetheless; XW has some in her life who are rooting for us and some who are rooting against us and I am at the root of both of those emotions; I am rooting for the people who are rooting FOR us to reconcile; (4) I am more in control of me and my actions over the past 3 years than I can ever remember, but I am still working overtime to forgive myself for the past which I cannot change; (5) regardless of what happens, as Phoenixdeux said, I have done all that I can do in the midst of trying to sort out my sitch; (6) I will continue to improve myself to become happy, healthy, and whole and I will assist my children in achieving the same; and (7) wife XW still loves me, but I do understand that, in our case, love may not be enough.

Talk again tomorrow. For those so inclined please pray from me and mine that the Lord will help me to bend my will to His, and should His will not be what I think I want or not be what I expected that He will help me to see His truth and move forward with him in perfect understanding. For those of you who are not inclined to pray, please send any positive thoughts and/or energy my way for me and mine and for the reconciliation of my M and for the re-uniting of my family. I believe that is in our best interests. I believe that is God's will. I know He will reveal His will to all of us soon.

Thanks again for allowing me to bend your ears. All of this expounding on my sitch and feelings helps ME to think, collate, process, understand and feel better.

Goodnight.
Tom