Countdown to New Year, and fresh start?

[istherehope]

Hi all,

Thanks for stopping by to wish me well. While in some ways I am as confused as ever, the trip was a lot of fun, and I think it was exactly what we needed.

So I'll try not to include TOO many details, but it’s been a long time since I posted, so I may get carried away...

The first day started off shaky, as there was an issue with the weight of our checked baggage. We were flying this wretched bargain basement airline, Ryanair, for those of you not familiar...The bag that we checked in was 2 kilos overweight, and in order to check it, we had to pay 15 Euros per kilo, and go to a separate desk, pay it, and take the receipt back to the check-in area. The airport was packed, and this meant that we were running late. H got all huffy and said that he'd told me before he never wanted to fly this airline again. I told him that I had kept him informed of every step in the planning process, and that he could have spoken up previously. I felt that he was being pretty immature, but I did my best not to let it impact me too much. By the time we boarded, things were fine. We landed, and were met at the airport by my ex and his GF.

H and Ex got along RIDICULOUSLY well. In fact they have everything in common. Our first night there was New Years Eve, and we had a fantastic time with Ex, his GF (who was very sweet), her dad, and some Czech friends. The next day we went to Ex's GF's mother's house, and again ate a lot, drank a lot, and were treated like royalty. H started acting more affectionate toward me, like kissing me in front of everyone, calling me gorgeous, etc. January 2nd was when I really started feeling positive. The weather in the Czech Republic was very cold, and the local lakes had frozen over. Ex's GF's family had several pairs of ice skates, and we went out skating. The GF was very good, and was teaching me tricks, to skate backwards etc. H hadn't wanted to go and was being his usual grouchy self in terms of trying new activities, but she talked him into it, and he actually said that he had fun (something I haven't heard him say in ages), and asked to go back the next day! That night, we went to a local brewery, and drank ourselves silly. We all just got along so well, and it was a great time. There was future talk about where to live after H does his MBA (though this was when Ex asked where we would be moving), and everything was incredibly positive. The next day H and I took the bus to Prague in the early afternoon, and Ex and GF met us at our hotel later and we all went out to a very fancy dinner. Again, it was great fun. Finally, on Sunday we met Ex, GF, and some of their friends for tea, and lunch, and walked around for most of the day. They then headed back to their small town, and we had the night to ourselves in Prague. This was the only time I felt a bit weird, after everyone had left. It was as if there was still something unspoken between us, and I felt like I was making small talk when we went out to dinner. Nevertheless, the physical affection that he had shown me in front of Ex and the others continued.

I’d also like to note a few things that were great positives for me throughout the trip. One of these was H’s liberal usage of the words “husband” and “marriage” when referring to our relationship. In fact I think that H says a lot of things without really being consciously aware that there seems to be a deeper meaning. At the beginning of all of this, this manifested itself in H saying mean or pained things every once in awhile, by throwing them into otherwise normal conversations. Now, instead he has been talking about marriage a lot, and it’s as if he is spilling out his thoughts. We watch this show called the Wire; I absolutely love it, for anyone who hasn’t seen it…So anyway we were sort of on this Wire marathon before we left for the Czech Republic. We both love the dialogue, and have started taking lines from it, and using them in a joking way with each other. There was one scene, for example. when the police come to some woman’s door and she is very drunk and says something along the lines of “why do you police have to come bother me when I’m trying to get my drink on?” So now we always say we’re getting our drink on…Well there was another line, and sorry if it’s graphic or offensive to anyone, so I’m bleeping out one of the words, but I think it’s too funny not to share. This man, I think he’s a drug dealer, is making fun of marriage counseling and says that to keep a marriage strong, the man just needs to buy flowers, and the woman needs to suck more X…H really grabbed on to this, and now keeps blurting out things about us “keeping our marriage strong.” It’s like it’s a joke but it’s not, and the fact that even says “keeping the marriage strong” in reference to us is a huge improvement. In addition to the comments on marriage, there was frequent ML during this trip, and even last night after we got home.

So, we got back yesterday, and being me I was a bit nervous that things wouldn’t be as good anymore. H had to work from home, and I just puttered around upstairs. Later in the evening we had dinner and watched some more of the Wire, and we talked to each other every now and then throughout the day. A very good thing was that H was talking to one of his cousins about our upcoming trip to Mexico, and afterwards he told me “I think we’re going to have a really good time in Mexico.” It has been so long since I’ve heard positivity come out of H’s mouth, that this meant the world to me. He also told his mom that I am going to the US next week, and she’s already emailed me and wants to get together. Also noteworthy is the fact that when I was looking at hotels for us for part of our Mexico trip, H said he wanted one with a gym, which meant we couldn’t stay at the one I originally wanted. Then he said that he could give this up to make me happy. Such a small thing, but yet it has been SO long since he’s actively said that he would do something to make me happy. It’s as if (I hope) he’s finally finding that balance between looking after his own needs and caring about mine. Last night there was ML too, and H cuddled up really close to me throughout the night.

Anyway I am still confused because H is not wearing his ring yet, has not recommitted, and we still avoid many topics of conversation. I do believe that H is feeling a lot more loving to me, but would like some more security. I hope this is coming…it’s my birthday next week and I’ll be in the US, so I am really hoping this spurs him into some kind of positive action!

Thanks for reading my novel. I will try to catch up on all of your threads later this evening. Today I am going to desperately try to get back into work.

ITH