Hey Maria, Timelines can also be a huge burden. Be cautious in paying attention to the date set forth. You will decide then where you are at and if you focus on it to much it will burn you.
I am curious about something though as I read along here. What efforts are you making right now for the physical connection? Do you reach for his hand? Do you hug him? Do you initiate a kiss? I understand he has to earn back your trust, I get that, but if you are really wanting to make efforts don't you sort of have to put yourself out there as well. Seems to me it's not much incentive for him if he doesn't get any drawn attention from you.
Seems to me that while you are saying on one hand that you want this to get better and that you want to see progress, are you doing everything you can to help that progress or are you just so convinced at this point that he cant change that you have given up so to speak?
100% effort in these situations means having to let go of your expectations and what you think will happen and instead focus on what you can control in the situation.If you are constantly hanging on to the thought that it is not going to work or that he is not going to change, then your behaviors may just be the exact thing that insures that your self fulfilling prophecy comes to fruition.
You are either in or your out, otherwise it is simply torturing yourself.
Maria, thanks so much for always supporting me & popping in when I'm struggling. I appreciate it. I wish you all the best this year.
Hugs
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Ian, I am doing my part, I think. I am usually not distant or avoiding him. I am not "overly warm" like a lab would be and I think it is important to remain like that, cause I am still trying to stay detached to the extent that his actions (or lack of them) dont mess with my moods and feelings very much. Honestly, he still has a way to drive me nuts and get me mad.
Last night he spent the night here. Came from work after 1 in the morning. He gave me a warm kiss on my...cheek and neck and I went back to sleep. He watched TV for a while and then came to bed. In the middle of the night I snuggled up to him and he held me for a while. Then I went back to my corner and he stayed at his. This is what happens :when I do or say something "nice" he follows but NEVER initiates.
We had a nice day with the kids and a large group of friends and family (my brother's family). We had lunch at applebees because they would only accept 10 kids (ages 3-8). He left early to go to work and kissed me warmly on my ...head in front of everybody. (It was my head but it did feel warm and tender). It felt like we were a family, like 3 years ago.
The deadline is not set exactly but we both agreed that this situation cant go on forever. We've been doing this for almost 3 months now and little progress has been achieved. The kids are confused and we are getting tired. Both of us. I am not going to get paranoid over the deadline, dont worry.
One thing I noticed, he has no problems meeting with any friends or family. He is not embarassed or anything.
During the discussion we had the other day, he said a few things that showed he has no clue still of what his leaving caused to me. Even financially. Nada, no clue.
Anyway, things are quiet for the time being. I am calm. I can see that this needs a lot of effort and courage. This is where baby steps happen (still banned from here for the rest of you-LOL!!!). I think I am calmer since I said to myself I am going on without pushing for anything. I think I am getting some of my patience back... xxx K
I don't know what the others will think. But I couldn't take what you are going through. What about just breaking the ice and getting naked and having sex? I mean, this inching up to it isn't working. The first time might be like jumping into cold water. But if you move around a lot, you might get warm!
Sara, (I am reading your thread and wishing there was Retrouvaile somewhere close to us-thanks for sticking around to help),
I am one of those weird chicks that I dont want sex for sex. And for me the best aphrodisiac is to feel wanted. My H hasn't shown that he "wants" me. And that turns me off completely.
Anyway, I have two more days off work and have been trying to clean the closets, dvds, cds etc etc. Other than that, not much is going on. H said something on the phone meaning he would like to spend the night here again (he finishes work early today). We'll see.
I am ok, really, calmed down. I dont know how, I guess deciding his actions will not rule my moods, helped a lot. xxx K
It was good to read that he did concede he was wrong to leave and go home early those nights. And that he has been being a LITTLE bit more affectionate with you? Its good that he isnt ashamed to be seen with you at social and family functions, which I guess makes it 'easier' to spend time together, if there is no awkwardness in public. I can see you are concerned about hte kids still and thats not surprising. He still doesnt seem to be able to 'own' the damage he has done.. to you, the kids, your finances...
but you read Cyrenas post, right? This bit really jumped out at me and I instantly thought of you. Because you said you think H DID have an MLC and yet, he continues to react slowly:
Originally Posted By: Cyrena on my thread
Finally, he said he wanted to work on the marriage. He said goodbye to the OW (who he still saw as virtually perfect), and took an interest in the kids again, and stopped feeling such pains. Of course, I expected he'd apologize, and recognize my strength in getting through this nightmare, and be his loving self again. Wrong!! Coming out of the depression took another 9 months. He didn't get me anything for our anniversary--though he'd put a lot of thought into it--because he couldn't make a decision. He seemed to stop all attempts to improve things between us. For the longest time he would shut down if I said anything about his whole MLC and EA, or even if I was obviously upset about anything. He'd occasionally say "sorry," but couldn't explain which part he was sorry for.
Although your H is more workaholic than depressed!? I dont now if thats helpful, but it seems you are not alone, perhaps she went through some of what you are going through now.
How cold is it there? Its -7 at my Dads house! Not so cold here though.
Glad you are feeling better! I am feeling calmer too this evening. Love Al xxx
..yeah and not suggesting that minimises how hard this has been for you at all, but maybe his behaviour is 'typical' in these sitches, IF he really did have an MLC? Maybe thats why he's sooo unable to 'own' the EA, like Cyrenas H hey and why he blocks progress when there should be some? Not sure about the depression angle, but does seem like it can take many months from AFTER they say they want to reconcile, until they actually do in their heart. But then that means its that dirty ole pati... word again, eek!
He gave me a warm kiss on my...cheek and neck and I went back to sleep. He watched TV for a while and then came to bed. In the middle of the night I snuggled up to him and he held me for a while. Then I went back to my corner and he stayed at his. This is what happens :when I do or say something "nice" he follows but NEVER initiates.
While I realize that you want him to initiate and want you so bad that you don't have to ask him or suggest it to him. It sounds like you just want him to go at it with you ..... similar to what a 3 year old would do to his/her Xmas presents under the Xmas tree and just get unwrapping with a certain gusto and tenacity.
Trouble is that very much is what is played out in Hollywood movies and not in real life but for some rare alignment of the sun and stars (so to speak).
The key is that this expectation on your part is failing miserably and you are taking it personally that he won't initiate because you PERCEIVE that it is because he doesn't desire you and ML with you as he once did. And I have a feeling that is BS!!!
A few simple words will do (I will betcha a bunch of virtual $$)
Those simple words would be :
H, I would like it if you would ML to me!
How hard can that be (reel your mind back in and I will try to do likewise)..Maria. In your case I hope you find out!
Don't be a stubborn Greek!
Hope that provides you with some resources for a possible solution on this particular matter
