Hi all. I need some help/advice. Not sure what to do anymore.
H and I have been M for 8 years and have a D7. Last year H had an affair and I found out on my own about it. We talked and decided to try to work things out. Although I was the only one working on things because 2 months later H ran into an old "friend" and they started talking.
Well they have been talking for almost a year now. Here lately the calls have become less frequent between them but not sure that will last. I filed for D in May. Atty fees have to be paid before it will be final which will be in a month or a little longer.
We S in June. I moved out. At first H and I were not getting along at all. I eventually started dating. Not looking for anything other than someone to hang out with and try to take my mind off things.
H started calling me some. Then it became more often. We would hang out with each other from time to time and he would inquire about my dates.
We get along fine and he spends his time with D7. Still talks to OW but as I said it has slacked some lately. We spent the holidays together and talk all the time on the phone. He even comes over and hangs out a lot. We have no talk of getting back together at all.
He is now on a dating site and has started talking to some OW. That started this weekend. But was just hanging out with me this evening. Called me when he got home and talked for over an hour with me.
I know he is cake eating. We still ML occasionally too. I do not make myself available to him all the time. He knows that I date from time to time. He will say things about it but claims he is just messing with me. He does it in a joking manner.
What do I do? Do I just move on? I still love him very much and would love to have our family back together but he does not appear to have the same feelings. It is weird. He is playful with me all the time.
I feel like I am a "fill in" for when the OW is not available.(Not the one he just met). He claims that is not true. He cooks me dinner and invites me over occasionally as well. And it is not like he is doing it to ML because that does not happen all the time. Is it stupid of me to want him when he is doing all of this? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
I think you see pretty clearly what he is doing; he is cake eating and hanging onto his security blanket. It's a tough situation b/c you still have feelings for him, but I think if there is anything between the two of you then the relationship MUST be exclusive. Neither of you should see other people if you are interested in working things out. But if he's not, then just let him go. This really sounds like an issue of boundaries. I could almost imagine myself in your same situation; I know I would ML w/my W if I had a chance, and I would love the time spent together, but the involvement with OP would kill me and I would feel like I had no self-respect. In my book it's all or nothing. Just my thoughts--I'm certainly no expert on M/R!
It is tough. That's for sure. It is hard when we spend time together and the OW calls. It just happened today. We spent the day together (he asked me over) and she called but he did not answer the phone to her.
I know he sees she is playing games with him as well. She is M also and her H knows nothing of this A. She gives my H the run around a lot when it comes to meeting up or them doing things together. H gets aggravated but continues to put up with it from her.
I really am not sure of H's thoughts on things. I have not asked where he and I are concerned. I was always the one saying I would never take him back after we split so I don't know if he feels that is set in stone or not. I am afraid to ask. Not sure I want to hear him flat out say we are through.
But I think for my own sanity I am going to ask. At least then I will know whether I have to find it in myself to really let him go or do what I have to to hold on and try to get him back.
I do know I will not take him back with OW still in the picture. She would have to go. Any ideas on how to approach him with this "talk"?
H came by this evening to fix a couple of things that I needed done. He stayed for about an hour and a half.
He was constantly looking at me as usual and being playful. He watched a little bit of tv and talked with D7 until her bedtime.
I did not talk to him about "us". Not sure where to start or what to say really. Thought about sending an e-mail instead. Normally when he would leave to go home he would call me and talk all the way home and then some. No call so far. I imagine he is waiting on OW to call since she is back to doing that again.
Hi Poohbear, look for Trying2Live post. There is a great book she recommended calling "surviving an Affair" by Hartley? It talks about Plan A and then Plan B. Your H sounds like he would respond well to this. Plan A is you meet his emotional needs (in book there is a quiz that you can take for him), after a set time you go into Plan B - go dark. You send a letter saying No contact till OW goes etc. Pretty detailed but worth looking at. good luck.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
I will pick that book up while I am out tomorrow. I have seen others on here talk about going dark. But how do you go dark when you have a D7? H is good about taking her when it is him time to have her.
I am sure I will learn a lot in the book but the other thing is this....I know that I have to meet his emotional needs but that is the part I have a hard time figuring out how to do. I guess I mean "applying" the emotional needs.
I want to treat him the way a W should but he doesn't view me as his "W".
I know that his emotional needs are being met by OW and that is what draws him to her. But what response should I give him when I start trying to fulfill his emotional needs and he asks me what the heck is going on with me?
Not sure if I am coming across the way I am meaning to here. I may be rambling. Have too much confusion in my head:(
I did not do so well with him this evening. He did not call and I knew it was because he was waiting on her to call. So I waited until an hour after he would normally call and I called him.
He said he had talked to OW but briefly. Well I got upset and pretty much told him I was tired of being his "fill in". He claims I am not and that he was just getting ready to call me. I have already learned not to believe a thing that a cheater says. The argument escalated a bit but by the end I was able to get it a little more calm.
Hi PB, when you get the book it explains it much better than I can. I know with T2L, she did plan A for 5/6 weeks and chose a date she went dark. She gave him a letter detailing what she wanted. Said she loved him but could no longer share him with other woman, and he has to make all contact about children/bills through a trusted 3rd party until conditions of letter are met. In this way you are not just hanging on waiting for your H to make up his mind. Plan A is like DBing but with a more difinitive end. Get the book. read it and take the quiz for your h. Pick his top 5 emotional needs. Your sitch sounds like it would do well with this. If you can contact trying2live she will advice you. Also go to the marriagebuilders website. You can get more info from there also.
In my situation I cannot do Plan A because my H has not cake eat or given me any hope of reconcillation. He has not made any attempt but I wish I could try to apply in the future.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
I did mention to H about a month or so ago about having a 3rd party exchange our D7 because we had an argument at that time. H said that was insane. But that might be something I should try.
I will look for trying2live's post. I did get the book today and plan on starting to read it tonight.
After our argument last night I wondered this morning if H was going to call me on my way to work.(he usually does). Well he didn't. So I went on about my way and about 1:00 he called.
He sounded upbeat and was trying to conversate so I kept it simple and polite. He did ask why I had not called him yet. I just said that I was driving to work listening to the radio. He is the one that calls me in the am, not the other way around so that one kinda threw me.
He had to pick up our D7 from school today since I had to work a little late and then I was to pick her up from his house when I got done. So when I got finished with work I went to his house and walked in.
He was on the phone (with a guy friend...I could tell from the convo). I told D7 to get her things so we could go. Well he got off the phone at that point and asked me was I not going to say hi.
I said "you were on the phone...didn't want to interrupt". So as I am getting D7 ready to leave he is talking a little and I am kinda talking but not looking at him too much.
Got D7 all ready and headed out the door. I was getting in my truck and he was standing at the door and I heard him say "what..I'm not getting a hug?" I acted like I did not hear him and poked my head out the window and told him to have a good evening.
Did I do that right? This is soooo hard to deal with. I wanted that hug. But I just can't live like this anymore being his "fill in". So far today he has talked to OW once. I am sure there will be more calls before the night is over but I will be reading to keep my mind off of it. Some days it totally consumes me.
