Divorced, but 'still hopeful' to reconcile.

[still hopeful]

More stuff from Tom.

...and with the paramount ingredient of complete honesty, my past deception and/or lack of openness are magnified, resulting in previously unexpressed anger, hurt and disappointment.

Today, I spoke with XW about the possibility of my approaching her mother for employment, as XW was no longer working there. I explained I had not already spoken with her mother about that possibility nor had I been approached by XW's mother. I could tell as soon as I broached the subject that XW was not keen on the idea. I stopped and acknowledged her feelings. XW went on to express a previous time when she and I both worked at her mother's company together and XW got pissed at her mother and abruptly quit in a huff. XW expressed to me again how I did NOT support in her decision/action and at that point I responded.

I told XW that our R was already on shaky ground and that she didn't discuss quitting with me at all. She simply quit and informed me of what she had done on the way out the door. I continued working and was looked at as the un-supportive one. I asked her, what did you expect me to do, walk out arm-in-arm with you on your unilateral decision? XW then said, "No", but I know that was the support she was looking for and that irrational thought has only been strengthened by other un-related mistakes of mine that she has illogically tied to her quitting decision and my lack of support for her. I told XW that being honest with her during out talk didn't seem to be appreciated by her even though I talked to her PRIOR to making a decision about what to do. She said she appreciated my seeking her out to have the discussion, but didn't really skip a beat in chronicling her hurt, anger, and disappointment.

XW then started to try to soften her stance and say that she wasn't being selfish, angry, or hasty, but she was being all 3. I stopped her and told her, "Look, I simply came to talk to you first because I wanted your honest feeling on the subject and your honest feeling will help me decide what to do or NOT do."

XW then went into a rant about how she was an A+ wife while I cheated on her and wasn't honest. This goes hand-in-hand with her belief all along that I was 99% of the problem in our M and she was maybe (heavy emphasis on maybe) ONE percent of the problem. She told me how I refused to participate in our marriage counseling sessions and I finally opened up and told her my beliefs, formulated through experience and WATCHING her! I told her that from the beginning we had a power struggle in our M and I could feel that she had one foot in the marriage and one foot out, ready to bail on me. This feeling was further reinforced by her propensity to tell me that she wanted a divorce and/or telling me that she needed me to move out. This was a classic power struggle and the problem was that we both lost. I also told her that the reason that I didn't open up in our marriage counseling sessions was because I NEVER felt that our sessions were a safe place to tell her what my issues were in the marriage and with her as my spouse. I told her that I based on her actions I felt that our marriage counseling sessions were simply a step for her to look good to others in that she could say, "Well, I tried EVERYTHING to make it work." This is exactly the same tactic her mother employs in her personal and professional life, which is to ALWAYS look like the good guy/girl, even if you are simultaneously supporting to mutually exclusive positions.

I am not trying to say that my experience and recollection is 100% accurate. But, they are my experiences based on my feelings and recollections as best as I can recall them. XW then said I am sorry that that was how you felt because I didn't know that that was how you were feeling. She is right in this. She didn't know, because my experience was that anything that I felt was, "MY sh*t", to quote her oft used phrase when referring to my feelings/perspective versus her feelings/perspective. She used to tell me that she never talked bad about me to her friends about our problems, but the truth is that she did and some of 'her' friends have independently told me that that was EXACTLY what she did on a regular basis. Confronted with that fact, she said, "Well, I did when marriage counseling wasn't going well", and I told her you absolutely told me that you NEVER did that.

Not much to say from her at this point because the blame game was in full force. YOU, YOU, YOU! It's much easier to say, "It wasn't me. I wasn't there", than to own your own actions. At this point, she brought up my recent confession and used it as a bat to beat me with. I stood up to her attack because I did what I confessed to, AND because I knew it was coming even though I didn't know when. To wrap it up, more verbal attacks, finishing up with, "And you want to reconcile...? We will NEVER reconcile. Too much has passed under the bridge." When she was done with her tirade (again, understandable because she hadn't reacted as of yet), I stayed calm. I have heard similar proclamations of NEVER for almost 3 years. I calmly told her that she has made herself clear and I thought it was time for me to go. I told her that since she was so certain that a reconciliation was out of the question, I continued leaving. On the way out I also said, have a nice day. Have a nice life, to which she responded by saying, "Don't say that. It's not like we are never going to talk again." I didn't respond. I just left.

Well, I was hoping for better, but I could have gotten worse. I don't believe all is lost. I know that the opposite of love is indifference, NOT anger. As I have been saying, I am much closer to reconciliation than I was 3 years ago, although not markedly so. I have given were a new wrinkle in our sitch that she deserved long ago from me: honesty. I believe that she will think, process, heal and feel. The only feelings that she has allowed in are hurt and anger towards me. Those two feelings from from FEAR, not LOVE.

Three years into my sitch and I have momentum on my side; the momentum of not giving up; the momentum of positive movement; the momentum of hope; the momentum of love. I am neither unrealistic nor delusional. I know that we have had problems; BIG problems. I know that both she and I have self work to do still to make ourselves and our M happy, healthy, and whole. I know that NOW is the time for me to hold her to MY personal boundaries and help her to feel the prospect of losing me FOR REAL. I know she has never felt what life without me would be because I have been to pliable, too giving, too weak, too afraid.

XW picked up D8 from school and brought S3 and her to me. While driving over, XW was on the phone with her good friend that I have affectionately named the MARRIAGE CANCER because of her propensity to fuel any negative emotions that XW felt about me because is single and chronically bitter over that fact. XW has distanced herself from MC but, magically, MC has reappeared to be her normal manipulative, conniving, fire-fanning, destructive self. But, even that is par for the course as XW has always 'friends' of hers to pat her on the head and backside to side with her in her decisions even though they only ever know 'the story' from one side.

The time has come to be the man, the partner that I am. The time has come to STOP slowly choking the life out of the hope for our reconciliation. The time has come to "man up." 2009 is the year that XW will decide that she wants to begin working on reconciling our M, or I will continue to back away and "act as if." Act as if I will be fine without her. Act as if my world does not revolve around her. I will. It doesn't.

Thanks for reading. Thanks for caring. I appreciate your presence and encouragement.

Tom