Making my own good karma!!

[Silent Chrleader]

Thanks for your support and encouragement, BM. I don't know why I am so blue today, but it's really annoying!

I found about H's PA from S17, because H confessed to him when he was drunk. Then H asked S17 to keep the secret and S17 carried it around for 3 months. Then H accused S17 of something he didn't do, and didn't believe S when he denied it, and that was the catalyst where S lost all respect for H. H is always a holier than thou type, and S just doesn't even want to be around him anymore because all H does is "want him to help on projects and complain about how S doesn't measure up." I can't really blame S17, but I do still tell him that his Dad really does love him and I try to smooth things over. S17 keeps telling me to move on because H will never change.....

And, I know what you mean about them thinking it's OK to just bail out! These teenagers treat sex like it's light recreation, and trade off boyfriends and girlfriends almost daily! Every chance I get, I talk to the girls my S knows and try to encourage them to have respect for themselves, and not get so involved in this stuff! I've even told S's girlfriends that if he doesn't treat them right, then they need to come to me and I'll set him straight! Most all of the girls I have met say that S17 is a real sweetie, even though he likes to act tough. So I take heart in that.

H called me this afternoon while I was on my way home to touch base about a couple of things. He talked again about concentrating on getting the house fixed up and rented out.....I said OK, but you'll then remember you'll have rent for where-ever you live. He said that there is a house neer where he works where the own rents out the rooms. The rent would be only around $400 monthly and he wouldn't have the commuting costs (which are an additional $400 month [ferry]). I couldn't resist saying "And you think you'd be happy living like that?" And he said he knew he could for at least a while.

This is the guy who had to have every tool known to man, be it for wood working, or maintenance, or the car......but now he says he's going to have garage sales and sell it all! Or take it up to the ranch. I'm sure he's still planning on keeping the ranch if we divorce, even though he promised in front of the kids he wouldn't. "Changing his mind" doesn't phase him any more.

What really hurts is that he makes VERY good money now, and is actually underneath a very shy naive guy.......I have no doubt that some woman is going to snap him up in no time. He goes to bars with the boys all the time. And when he drinks, he has no brain! Even my C has asked when I will be willing to accept that the marriage is over, when he gets re-married?

The truth is that I know he sees no reason to come back. The last several years of our marriage, I was pretty much a useless vegitable. I see now that I suffered from depression, and H was always critical and judgemental and just thought I was lazy. I figured I was too! Throughout our marriage there was a lot of turmoil in our family due to our D24's difficulties. I won't go into details, but let's just say that we went through things that were never in any parenting book I ever read (and we had to ask for help from dr's, counselors, police, and many other professionals). H and D24 hate each other now. H's mother once told him that she always thought he would never get married or have kids, because he just wasn't the type. Now H thinks she's right, and that he just never should have got married. The only person H cares about at all is S17 (he has said this) but S is almost 18, and will be wanting to be out and on his own before too long. So, like I said, there is really nothing to even draw him back.

He has said that he appreciates how I have handled all this. I'm sure he does. Even our C has said that he doesn't think this is just MLC. We even read the symptoms of depression, and H doesn't fit them, other than irritability. I know that H cares for me and is sorry for hurting me. I really do know that. But he really truly just wants to take some time to himself, and then start a whole new life. In many ways, I can't blame him.

Boy am I depressed tonight!! Gotta get over it already!!!