I really appreciate that...I often feel like I'm just stumbling blind through a cave...so it's nice to get some encouragement.
Best to you as well...I think you've been getting some great advice on your thread, btw...and the truth is, whether she is a WAW or MLC doesn't make much of a difference on you put the focus on you...My wife left, but she's not a WAW - she didn't leave me for greener pastures - she left me because she saw me as the source of all that was/is negative in her life...now she's go herself and her thoughts to live with...so hopefully she'll be able to see what she has to do - and all I can do if focus on me - making myself better, healthier, more stable - which would be just as important if she were a WAW...that said, I know it's hard to figure out what it best in terms of confronting her about the OM...when my W had her affair I did confront her - that was way before the bomb - and somehow it worked, don't know why...these days, I think if she had another affair and I confronted her it would just push her further away...so it wouldn't be a confrontation - rather it would be a conversation - where I would simply say...oh...I did say this...I know we're both feeling confused right now, but I also know that bringing a third person into this for either of us would not help the situation. We cannot work on ourselves or on our marriage if there is a third person involved. (and I kind of left it at that...though I said it primarily because she was asking me if I was already interested in someone who had flirted with me...).
I just wanted to stop by and let you know your doing great. You sound strong. Keep up the good work and thank you for that post! You helped out a lot. I haven't had a day like today in a while.
I think you are seeing changes in your wife because you have changed. She is now forced to find a different way of relating to you when you remain calm, positive and confident. We are going to still have are moments, but they will be shorter and less frequent over time. Continue to stay strong and Keep on Praying.
Hi Trapt, Thanks for coming...I don't know often feel as strong as I might sound here, I think - though I also have to remember what Veronica mentioned once - that you can still cry and heal and get stronger all the same time - and I think a lot of the emotions going through me of late have to do with the changes that are finally taking hold in me...
She just called a few minutes ago - after I got home from picking up my baby boy at day care...I was crying in the car on the way home - just feeling so damn sad that I am not sharing this time in his life with his mom...but not really crying about her and wanting her back - more about him and what he might be missing out on (he's sitting her next to me now- he seems a bit tired and just sat down on the couch and asked for Elmo...very cute).
Okay - so she called and asked if I would mind if she came by later tonight to pick him up since she has to miss work tomorrow...I hadn't heard anything about her missing work - so I asked why (instantly thinking I shouldn't have) - saying, "oh really, what's up?" Turns out she has a root canal...this will be her third...I paid for the first two, so I wonder how she'll afford this one...anyway...the point is just that she answered me without making a big deal of it - only adding, "don't worry about it, I'll be fine." So...conversations are slowly getting a little longer - and they're not about anything really - just small, quick opportunities to be friendly...she still sounded distant - and this time I made sure to be the one to get off the phone first...
I cry a lot, still. Probably everyday. It does make us stronger. Feeling our emotions and giving them the room to be felt makes us stronger. Plus, you are showing your son that men can cry and feel things. That is so healthy for him.
I think it is quite positive that she responded to you. So she was still distant, that's okay. Babysteps. Babysteps. She answered you without getting angry for asking. Plus, she assumed you were asking out of concern for her ("I'll be okay, don't worry). She assumed you were showing her concern and she did not respond with anger. Good positive step.
Hi Veronica, I hadn't cried like today in a long time - had a lot to do with the end of the holidays, I suspect...dropping off my son, worrying about my brother and sister, worrying about my W, still not getting enough sleep...and having to go out of town again tomorrow - sometimes it just feels like so much is going on at once...but all that aside, thanks for pointing out the positives - she did assume I was concerned about her - and it didn't upset her...for the first time in a long time...
As I let go more and more - I feel more - but I also understand so much more...like today, I heard a phrase on the radio that I just can't stand...it's the phrase, "You have to understand that..." - which always strikes me as assuming that the listener hadn't considered what the speaker is about to say...and I used to call people on it a bit...I did stuff like that with my W too - when she would ask me "what are thinking about?" which I always thought was such a hallow way to start a conversation without offering anything oneself...and she would always say it when she had something she wanted to talk about - and so I would ask her again and again not to ask me what I'm thinking about - but just to tell me what she wants to talk about...big controlling DAM...and that's something that just hit me today...as I detach and just listen and learn to myself...
I wonder what she'll be like when she comes by to pick up baby tonight...I'll be friendly no matter what...and just wish her the best...I was thinking of offering her some plantains I have in the kitchen that will likely go bad while I'm out of town...they're a big part of Peruvian comfort food...though I don't know if she ever makes that stuff for herself anymore...
My son is leaning against me right now while I'm typing - he's just relaxed and being so sweet and cuddly...I love my boys so much.
Carlos Isn't it strange certain phrase will trigger our though differently now? I am the same way. I never really did that before. I think the whole DBing makes us grow so much. It is just rewarding by itself. Of course, we don't like how we get here. You have your duck tail ready no matter how's W will act tonight. Have fun in Vegas..... I know you don't gamble. Try this... just walk up to the poker table and yell 'I AM ALL IN'...... Just to see how they react...of course if they don't kick you out....LOL Enjoy the trip, my friend.
NW626
Me:33 STBXW:38 S:3 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you fight the fight....!!
NW- you just made me laugh so hard -thank you...I am now very tempted to walk up to a table and do that...it would surely shock the hell out of the people I'll be working with - as they seem as this very serious, controlled, quiet person...
And you're also so very right - DBing is rewarding in and of itself - and I cannot ever forget that. I felt the rewards in a huge way yesterday when my S11 was talking with me about other people - and, out of nowhere, he said, "I just don't think it makes sense to try to change other people. People have to change themselves." When he said that I just froze - and then asked him a little more about what he meant...sure enough, he knew what he meant...he went on to tell me that it was sad to him that my W kept trying to change me - and that she should have worked on herself instead...he then asked me if I had ever wanted to change anything about my W. I answered him honestly and said, yes, there were some things I had tried to change about her - at which point he got very quiet - and then said, "I'm sorry for saying this, dad, but maybe that's why it didn't work." I felt my eyes fill with tears - of joy - as I was so glad that he was learning the right things through all this mess. When he was a baby I used to call him the little Buddha...he's got this strange kind of calm wisdom that just changes the atmosphere in a room sometimes...I don't know if it's odd to say this, but I admire my son. He's still a child in so many ways - but he is such a remarkable young man. DBing, learning from my you, my friends here, has finally made me feel like I can offer him the kind of wisdom he sometimes looks toward me to offer him.
....and now for a bit about my W...when she came by to pick up my baby boy tonight she actually got out of the car and rang the doorbell instead of calling from the car...that was surprising. She also had a check for me for her half of the car insurance (since we can't divide that apparently until we are legally separated or divorced). I offered her the plantains - which she refused (as I expected) - but she didn't snap at me when I asked to give my baby boy one more hug before they left since I wouldn't be seeing him for about a week...
Just before she left she said, "have fun in Las Vegas" - and then goodbye...while she was out there I got in my car and went out to meet a friend for some drinks - I had to head out right away as she came by later than expected - and I had plans to meet with my friend at 8pm - so she saw me drive off...I'm just going to keep this PMA/GAL thing going...it's so healthy - so helpful - so necessary. And I will continue to wish the best for her...and hope that she finds some happiness eventually...whether or not it includes me.
Hey Healthydad, I have been following your thread and have posted a couple of times. You and I and another poster "still hopeful" have VERY similar stories. "Still hopeful" has been so fantastic with me I thought I would try and make an introduction. Have a look at some of his posts as it may be helpful to you. I am going to copy this post over to "still hopeful" as well to see if we can't all unite on all of this.
Greg
Me/W: 46/36 D7.6/S6 T/M: 7.5/6.5 Bomb 12/05/07 D final: 03/03/09
