Some controlling behaviours include: saying that he'll talk/phone, but then not actually doing it; withholding information or money (or leaving you in your awkward financial situation with no discussion); withdrawing affection; ignoring or misleading partner. These are considered abusive actions and are done to control the partner, to gain a sense of power, and to AVOID having to feel his own pain. Some of them he did before leaving, others he's doing now--because you're letting him. (And not letting you go to his flat is another act of control.)
In my case I needed to recognize that, as a person who'd been an abused child, there was something "familiar" about being subjected to these controlling behaviours. Something like 90% of the triggers that set us off in our relationships, after all, are just the patterns that were established when we were children. But once the C got me to recognize that I was accepting/tolerating controlling actions, I was much better able to set boundaries. And that change in self-esteem made a huge change in how I interact with everybody, now. I guess this comes back to what Kalni was saying: it's self-destructive to GIVE someone that much control over your feelings. It's one thing to "forgive" someone for mistreating you, but to ALLOW them to continue to do so is quite another matter.
