Frank is beginning his recovery

[mcojh]

But I know this is the way it has to be so that we can all heal, including W.

Does D13 understand this? You assume that she is hurt, which is probably true, but maybe you need to explain why you requested this and why it is necessary for all of you to do this. Also, can't she watch out the window for her rather than waiting outside?

[CMNM]

Frank,
I know just how you feel. For a long time I bent over backwards, trying to keep the lives of my kids as normal as possible. I set no boundaries because I felt guilty if I did so.

Everyone told me that it was up to my X and my kids to form their own new relationships with each other. It took me YEARS to get this thru my head.

You are lucky that your daughters will go to her. Only one of my 3 kids will go to their dad's house. Still, not my problem. I was willing to do whatever it took to keep this marriage...

It helps me to look at it this way:
Do I have access to his house? Can I go there unannounced and walk right in? Nope. So why should I feel guilty for expecting from him what he expects from me?

You'll get there, Frank. You are a good man, trying to do the right thing. Don't feel bad when you need to make the decisions with "what is good for Frank?" at the top of your list. It doesn't make you a bad person to protect yourself and your sanity.

Hugs,
Pam

[frank_D]

But I know this is the way it has to be so that we can all heal, including W.

Does D13 understand this? You assume that she is hurt, which is probably true, but maybe you need to explain why you requested this and why it is necessary for all of you to do this.

She does.

Also, can't she watch out the window for her rather than waiting outside?

Of course she can. W can also call her cell phone.

[frank_D]

You'll get there, Frank. You are a good man, trying to do the right thing. Don't feel bad when you need to make the decisions with "what is good for Frank?" at the top of your list. It doesn't make you a bad person to protect yourself and your sanity.

Hugs,
Pam

"What is good for Frank" has always been at the bottom of my list. I need a new list.

[still hopeful]

Frank,

Thank you for talking with me tonight.

Take care of you, my friend. Perhaps a list is not what you need. Perhaps doing ONE thing that is good for Frank is just what you need. Everyone has to 'pick their poison.' Pick yours. I am confident that 'your poison' is at the bottom of your list, but I am even more confident that by doing so, you will see the world differently, including Frank. Nurture yourself in a healthy way.

Good bye for now, buddy. I am with you.

Much love to you and yours,
Tom

[frank_D]

Uneventful morning. Both girls got up on their own and took care of their breakfasts and made their lunches. W showed up at the appropriate times for each of them and waited out side till they saw her car.

Last night I spent some time journaling. One thing I have realized it that W has dumped all responsibility on me for everything and I've resented it. So, as a result I have not been BEING responsible. Just letting life 'happen' and living in a 'woe is me' attitude.

That's crap. I am responsible and I TAKE responsibility for my family. While I am NOT responsible for W's life I AM responsible for my childrens well being and sense of safety, normalcy and love.

I do my best as a Man.

[still hopeful]

Thank you, Frank. You 'righting' you gives me the courage to 'right' me.

Tom

[frank_D]

A couple nights ago I dreamed that my W and I were making love. How does a dream like that come to us when we're in so much hurt is a mystery to me.

This morning I woke up thinking about what a Wh*re she is for jumping into bed with the first guy who shows any interest in her. How the girls are witnessing her do these things and have no respect for her. I am angry today.

Then this morning she E-mails me thanking me for moving her mail service so she can read it from anywhere and not have to come to my house.

Last night her stepmom was telling me how W told here that the friend she is living with has such a 'good' relationship with her ex husband. They've been divorced 17 years and she has had boyfriends, some lasting 5-6 years but nobody permanent. Her ex has remarried years ago and is happy. And when they got divorced she didn't do the things W has done.

We will never be friends. Eventually I'll stop being angry. It comes and goes.

[Cinderellaman]

We will never be friends

Friends....mmmmm well in the terminology of REAL friends, I guess it's nearly impossible as our spouses have done something that has hurt us in the core.
But I do think that in time...a type of 'friendship' could evolve.

I know I have been trying from the very beginning to remain 'friends' and looking back, I can see how foolish that was in those first months, even first years...the pain is too deep, the scar needs time to heal, and in all fairness 'friendship' doens't help to heal it.

BUT...for those of us here who do want our spouses in our future and our kids' future, I personally think (just MHO) that it makes life easier and more bearable to try and be friendly or even friends with one another...

Then again, I may be totally wrong about this. Who knows, each situation is different as is each person.

Being angry is ok too. We go through phases and yes, they do pass in time....

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I want to feel lovable.

Basic rule.
How can you love someone if you don't love yourself?
You cannot.

Frank,
Somehow, in some way you lost faith in yourself. You think that you are somehow lacking, that you are broken, or unworthy. I dunno, but there is some part of you that almost (seems to me) seem to want to be punished. Its self decrecating. It also becomes a self fullfilling prophecy. No one will love you if you don't let them.

No one will love you if you don't love yourself. It's basic. The world sees you in how you see yourself.