Divorced, but 'still hopeful' to reconcile.

[still hopeful]

Phoenix,

Thank you, my friend. Perhaps I didn't make this clear in my last 2 posts, but I did 'come clean.' After confessing, she asked me if there was anything else? I again told her the truth. There is not. I told her, "I am standing before you naked (figuratively). I am exposed and completely vulnerable. I am scared."

As I said, I have known since the beginning that I needed to be gut-level honest with my XW or NEVER have a chance to, not only have the opportunity to reconcile, but to have any reconciliation efforts succeed. Unfortunately, I chose wrong before. I chose to try to bend God's will to mine, rather than my will to His, because I felt, of course, that I new better. I chose to dance around step 1 to reconciliation, which is be completely honest. I did everything else, and danced around the honesty, but somehow she KNEW. I don't know how she KNEW, but I do know she knew.

As my faith has strengthened over that past three years, and as my despair has grown, I have not only realized that I need to surrender to Him, but I have begun my journey of figuring out exactly how that surrender looks, what it takes, and how my surrender feels. Am I expert on this...NO. Am I learning? YES. As I have referenced previously, Vince Lombardi said it best,

"Perfection is not attainable, but if we chase perfection, we can catch excellence."

I have given up on thinking that I am perfect, or at least should be, and I have changed my goal to strive for perfection rather than trying to be the impossible. This simple change in MY mindset has helped me to forgive myself for being perfectly human or IMPERFECT, and being comfortable in my own skin being just as God created me.

The day after I confessed my misdeed, I told her that we could discuss IT if she so chose. She simply looked at me and said, "I never want to discuss that. NEVER bring it up." I don't know what that means to her. I do know she has her own personal turmoil separate and distinct from her R with me. I am working to remind myself to breathe while she figures out how she feels about me and how she feels about life after sorting through her other turmoil. Holding my breath while all of this works out as it should will not do anyone any good, now will it?

In the meantime, I do what I have been doing to support XW over the past 3 years, except that I have added the paramount ingredient of complete honesty. I feel relief because I have allowed her, my friends, and all of you in on my secret. It feels good to let go of feeling like I am as BAD as my worst secret. I don't have secrets any more. It's liberating. I don't know how my courage to let everyone see the real me, but the effort to keep up the veneer that I was used to parading around was exhausting. On top of that my fear and/or lack of courage has freed me to be me, which is EXCELLENT.

Thanks for listening.

Tom