Divorced, but 'still hopeful' to reconcile.

[still hopeful]

Hello all,

New Years Day was a lot of fun. I spent it with my XW and my children. We had a blast hanging out and watching the midnight fireworks over the river.

Presently, I am supporting my XW in getting through some personal challenges that are not directly related to me. People in my life ask me, why? Here's my why. I help because I care, because she asked, because I can, because it's the right thing to do, and because she is the mother of our children. I feel good in helping in the way that I am helping right now and when I feel this way it always turns our right that I did help.

Today, I am hanging out with my children and they keep my mood light, they help me to focus on what is right in my life, they help me to step outside of myself to look at myself and the world from dispassionate and rational point of view.

I am still walking the ever-perilous tightrope of working to reconcile my M and re-unite my family. My mood and my outlook is positive, despite not have any concrete evidence to show for my PMA. But I don't care about evidence right now. I choose to have a positive mental attitude and because of my choice everything looks brighter.

I will work at blogging daily to keep myself on the right path. I trust that those who care will follow along and post with their insights, encouragement, admonishments, and advice as their schedules allow.

Thank you all for being here. I know I am not alone in my journey. I appreciate your support. I feel your support. I am not alone. YOU are not alone. Make your day and someone else's brighter.

Tom

[still hopeful]

Hello all,

I haved a lot of in-house 'cleansing' to do tonight.

Recently, my XW and her HS girlfrend went to a Sacramento Kings basketball game. I stayed at XW's house with our children to facilitate XW's going to the game on HER night with our children. I didn't have an ulterior motive for doing so, I simply thought a fun night out with her GF would lift her spirits and change her focus from her crappy present familial dealings with her own family.

XW and GF had a great time at the game drinking alchohol. Thankfully, they took a cab back home. After being home for a bit, they asked for me to go and pick up some beer for them, which I did. I ended up sleeping over to care for the children.

As the night progressed, GF was talking about the fact that the failure of my and XW's marriage was a huge blow to her ideal of marriage (she is single). GF also reminded XW that on our M day, XW told her that I was the ONE man she had ever met that she didn't want to change. This revelation is AMAZING because I had already blow any chance of perceived perfection in her eyes. Sadly though, I hadn't messed it up sufficiently for her to D me. That expertise and self-destruction takes a bit more self-inflicted damage.

As the evening progressed, GF made it clear that she had been talking to XW all evening (and probably for quite some time before) that she thought that XW's decicion to D me was wrong. I was being peppered with questions by GF all evening, and I answered them truthfully. XW made it clear that she was uncomfortable discussing her feelings about our past or her present feelings. GF did not relent.

GF then began asking me about any un-confessed mistakes. At that point, I froze. XW picked up on this immediately. Some things are better confessed immediately, regardless of fears. When my XW was pregnant with our D8, I had sex with a woman once. Most will not believe the 'once' confession, but it was only once. The woman lived over 2 hours away. Regardless, wrong is wrong. I had reasons for doing so (excuses), but unfortunately I did this anyway. XW sensed this LOOOONG ago.

When my XW found out about the second tiime this happened, she KNEW that 'something' had happened before. I don't know how she new, but her 'feeling' was correct. Back when my affair became 'public' knowledge, I began reading to find the best ways to reconcile with my wife and my self-induced disaster. I read TORN ASUNDER, which as book about affairs and reconciliation. Step one is TOTAL honesty. Guess which step I skipped over. I did everything else the book directed, I followed DB and DR to the best of dishonest ability, but I could only get so close to my XW because she 'knew' that I had not only previously messed up bad, but that I wouldn't own it because I refused to be honest; to come clean.

When XW saw me stiffen at GF's question, she whisked GF out of my presence. They were outside talking for quite a while. When they came back in, XW went to her BR and GF came to talk with me. GF and I talked for quite some time. I have wanted to 'come clean' to XW since my affair became know. The reason I didn't? FEAR!

Talking with GF further, I decided that by my not owning up to my unconfessed mistake I was slowly suffocating any hope out of reconciling my marriage. I told GF. GF urged me to 'man up' to my XW or all was lost. I have wanted to do this since the beginning, since my mistake, but I didn't due to fear. I know that being afraid of losing my wife, who was now my XW and who D me, was the ultimate in stupid fear. So...I confessed my mistake to my XW. She listened. She didn't re-act poorly towards me. And as much as I felt that relief would never come from confessing, it has. I don't feel any less wrong, but I do feel relieved from carrying the silently burden of NOT confessing to my XW and giving us both the peace of truth.

I have spent the bulk of our R in fear because I have spent the majority of my life feeling like I am just not 'good enough.' This fear is deeply rooted in my own childhood issues that I continue to root out. All of MY issues that I have become aware of have resulted from my March 2003 snowboarding accident which almost killed me.

That accident put me in a coma for a week and in a stupor for another 2-1/2 weeks. I was life-flighted off of the mountain, and went by ambulance from Reno, NV to Sacramento, CA, and subesequently to Vallejo, CA for rebabilitation. Now, our M already had serious difficulties, but this made it all worse.

After being released from the hospital in June 2003, I went back to work WAAAAAY to quickly (August 2003) because of my own driven and caution-to-the-wind way of caring for myself. Heck, I ran in a 5K race in June 2003. Not smart, but I did it anyway.

In December 2003, I had an all day set of psychological tests in my hospital. The results came back that I suffer from a bi-polar disorder. My initial reaction was relief; finally, I reason for my, sometimes, less-than-social behavior. In simple terms, bi-polar is a mood disorder. I am told that I suffer from bi-polar II, which is less severe than bi-polar I. I knew absolutely about bi-polar, but quickly read up. The more I read up, the more my manic side decided that it knew the truth and the doctors knew nothing, so I was NOT going to take medication, because I, of course, knew best. After the accident, I was prescribed Depakote, an anti-seizure medication which has a side effect of balancing mood fluctaions. For me, I didn't feel a diffence, but apparently it made me sleep LOTS which made my wife's dealings with me less and less contentious.

I am still not 100% certain that I understand the effect that my brain disorder has on my behavior. At one pointin 2004, while working I had a couple of episodes of feeling the need to pull over and bawl my eyes. Those episodes led me to relent and see that I did, in fact, have an issue that I needed to deal with. I went to the psychiatrist and was prescribed lithium. After taking lithium for several months I decided that I didn't need lithium because I didn't 'feel' any different, of course.

I decided to self-medicate, which meant that I would stop taking lithium because I decided to stop. I did not consult my psychiatrist. I seemed to be doing fine for about 3-1/2 months, but then a familiar bout with anxiety reared its ugly head. When the feeling swept over me, I remember seen myself in my mind's eye, saying to the anxiety, "I remember YOU!" Thankfully, when this anxiety bout hit, I still had a whole bottle prescription of lithium, so I started taking them again and and have remained on them since.

I have come to grips with the fact that my brain is afflicted by a chemical imbalance which causes wide mood swings with are sometimes imperceptible to me, but not to others who are impacted by them. I'd love to believe that I haven't had a horrible impact on those in my life becuase of my condition, and at the same time I'd love to believe that it's not as bad as my wife has related her experience with me. I do know that I need to stay on my medication regimen and pray that the truth is somewhere in between AND closer to minimal negative impact.

As of today, I understand how far away that my XW is from me emotionally, and rightfull so. I am lonely in my march to do the best that I am able to continue my journey to reconcile my M. Although my XW hasn't told me to get away from her, I know that that day may soon arrive. I want the best for her. I want to be forgiven. I want the opportunity to reconcile my marriage and make my family whole again. But for now, I'll just pray for pease; peace for me and mine. Pease for all.

Thank you for listening. Thanks for allowing me to word dump. Thanks for caring enough to read about someone you don't know.

[still hopeful]

One last thing before I turn in. I am NOT meaning to imply that my condition is my excuse. My condition contributed to why I've done what I've done, but I did it. I own it. I am responsible for it and I am the only who is able to take the steps to keep me out of the same predicament in the future. And, if by some sad stroke of luck I do find myself in a VERY similar predicament, I pray the I will reflect on past decisions that have turned out well and badly and decide to take the path that leads to a positive outcome.

Goodnight.
Tom

[Phoenixdeux]

Tom,

You sound good. Just keep a positive attitude. If it doesn't happen with your wife then you did what you could. If I were you, I'd tell your wife the truth.

I would frame it this way though: "I know it probably doesn't change anything with us, except to make it worse, but I need to have a fresh start at life and do things right from this point forward." And then tell her what you haven't.

Me

[still hopeful]

Phoenix,

Thank you, my friend. Perhaps I didn't make this clear in my last 2 posts, but I did 'come clean.' After confessing, she asked me if there was anything else? I again told her the truth. There is not. I told her, "I am standing before you naked (figuratively). I am exposed and completely vulnerable. I am scared."

As I said, I have known since the beginning that I needed to be gut-level honest with my XW or NEVER have a chance to, not only have the opportunity to reconcile, but to have any reconciliation efforts succeed. Unfortunately, I chose wrong before. I chose to try to bend God's will to mine, rather than my will to His, because I felt, of course, that I new better. I chose to dance around step 1 to reconciliation, which is be completely honest. I did everything else, and danced around the honesty, but somehow she KNEW. I don't know how she KNEW, but I do know she knew.

As my faith has strengthened over that past three years, and as my despair has grown, I have not only realized that I need to surrender to Him, but I have begun my journey of figuring out exactly how that surrender looks, what it takes, and how my surrender feels. Am I expert on this...NO. Am I learning? YES. As I have referenced previously, Vince Lombardi said it best,

"Perfection is not attainable, but if we chase perfection, we can catch excellence."

I have given up on thinking that I am perfect, or at least should be, and I have changed my goal to strive for perfection rather than trying to be the impossible. This simple change in MY mindset has helped me to forgive myself for being perfectly human or IMPERFECT, and being comfortable in my own skin being just as God created me.

The day after I confessed my misdeed, I told her that we could discuss IT if she so chose. She simply looked at me and said, "I never want to discuss that. NEVER bring it up." I don't know what that means to her. I do know she has her own personal turmoil separate and distinct from her R with me. I am working to remind myself to breathe while she figures out how she feels about me and how she feels about life after sorting through her other turmoil. Holding my breath while all of this works out as it should will not do anyone any good, now will it?

In the meantime, I do what I have been doing to support XW over the past 3 years, except that I have added the paramount ingredient of complete honesty. I feel relief because I have allowed her, my friends, and all of you in on my secret. It feels good to let go of feeling like I am as BAD as my worst secret. I don't have secrets any more. It's liberating. I don't know how my courage to let everyone see the real me, but the effort to keep up the veneer that I was used to parading around was exhausting. On top of that my fear and/or lack of courage has freed me to be me, which is EXCELLENT.

Thanks for listening.

Tom

[still hopeful]

More stuff from Tom.

...and with the paramount ingredient of complete honesty, my past deception and/or lack of openness are magnified, resulting in previously unexpressed anger, hurt and disappointment.

Today, I spoke with XW about the possibility of my approaching her mother for employment, as XW was no longer working there. I explained I had not already spoken with her mother about that possibility nor had I been approached by XW's mother. I could tell as soon as I broached the subject that XW was not keen on the idea. I stopped and acknowledged her feelings. XW went on to express a previous time when she and I both worked at her mother's company together and XW got pissed at her mother and abruptly quit in a huff. XW expressed to me again how I did NOT support in her decision/action and at that point I responded.

I told XW that our R was already on shaky ground and that she didn't discuss quitting with me at all. She simply quit and informed me of what she had done on the way out the door. I continued working and was looked at as the un-supportive one. I asked her, what did you expect me to do, walk out arm-in-arm with you on your unilateral decision? XW then said, "No", but I know that was the support she was looking for and that irrational thought has only been strengthened by other un-related mistakes of mine that she has illogically tied to her quitting decision and my lack of support for her. I told XW that being honest with her during out talk didn't seem to be appreciated by her even though I talked to her PRIOR to making a decision about what to do. She said she appreciated my seeking her out to have the discussion, but didn't really skip a beat in chronicling her hurt, anger, and disappointment.

XW then started to try to soften her stance and say that she wasn't being selfish, angry, or hasty, but she was being all 3. I stopped her and told her, "Look, I simply came to talk to you first because I wanted your honest feeling on the subject and your honest feeling will help me decide what to do or NOT do."

XW then went into a rant about how she was an A+ wife while I cheated on her and wasn't honest. This goes hand-in-hand with her belief all along that I was 99% of the problem in our M and she was maybe (heavy emphasis on maybe) ONE percent of the problem. She told me how I refused to participate in our marriage counseling sessions and I finally opened up and told her my beliefs, formulated through experience and WATCHING her! I told her that from the beginning we had a power struggle in our M and I could feel that she had one foot in the marriage and one foot out, ready to bail on me. This feeling was further reinforced by her propensity to tell me that she wanted a divorce and/or telling me that she needed me to move out. This was a classic power struggle and the problem was that we both lost. I also told her that the reason that I didn't open up in our marriage counseling sessions was because I NEVER felt that our sessions were a safe place to tell her what my issues were in the marriage and with her as my spouse. I told her that I based on her actions I felt that our marriage counseling sessions were simply a step for her to look good to others in that she could say, "Well, I tried EVERYTHING to make it work." This is exactly the same tactic her mother employs in her personal and professional life, which is to ALWAYS look like the good guy/girl, even if you are simultaneously supporting to mutually exclusive positions.

I am not trying to say that my experience and recollection is 100% accurate. But, they are my experiences based on my feelings and recollections as best as I can recall them. XW then said I am sorry that that was how you felt because I didn't know that that was how you were feeling. She is right in this. She didn't know, because my experience was that anything that I felt was, "MY sh*t", to quote her oft used phrase when referring to my feelings/perspective versus her feelings/perspective. She used to tell me that she never talked bad about me to her friends about our problems, but the truth is that she did and some of 'her' friends have independently told me that that was EXACTLY what she did on a regular basis. Confronted with that fact, she said, "Well, I did when marriage counseling wasn't going well", and I told her you absolutely told me that you NEVER did that.

Not much to say from her at this point because the blame game was in full force. YOU, YOU, YOU! It's much easier to say, "It wasn't me. I wasn't there", than to own your own actions. At this point, she brought up my recent confession and used it as a bat to beat me with. I stood up to her attack because I did what I confessed to, AND because I knew it was coming even though I didn't know when. To wrap it up, more verbal attacks, finishing up with, "And you want to reconcile...? We will NEVER reconcile. Too much has passed under the bridge." When she was done with her tirade (again, understandable because she hadn't reacted as of yet), I stayed calm. I have heard similar proclamations of NEVER for almost 3 years. I calmly told her that she has made herself clear and I thought it was time for me to go. I told her that since she was so certain that a reconciliation was out of the question, I continued leaving. On the way out I also said, have a nice day. Have a nice life, to which she responded by saying, "Don't say that. It's not like we are never going to talk again." I didn't respond. I just left.

Well, I was hoping for better, but I could have gotten worse. I don't believe all is lost. I know that the opposite of love is indifference, NOT anger. As I have been saying, I am much closer to reconciliation than I was 3 years ago, although not markedly so. I have given were a new wrinkle in our sitch that she deserved long ago from me: honesty. I believe that she will think, process, heal and feel. The only feelings that she has allowed in are hurt and anger towards me. Those two feelings from from FEAR, not LOVE.

Three years into my sitch and I have momentum on my side; the momentum of not giving up; the momentum of positive movement; the momentum of hope; the momentum of love. I am neither unrealistic nor delusional. I know that we have had problems; BIG problems. I know that both she and I have self work to do still to make ourselves and our M happy, healthy, and whole. I know that NOW is the time for me to hold her to MY personal boundaries and help her to feel the prospect of losing me FOR REAL. I know she has never felt what life without me would be because I have been to pliable, too giving, too weak, too afraid.

XW picked up D8 from school and brought S3 and her to me. While driving over, XW was on the phone with her good friend that I have affectionately named the MARRIAGE CANCER because of her propensity to fuel any negative emotions that XW felt about me because is single and chronically bitter over that fact. XW has distanced herself from MC but, magically, MC has reappeared to be her normal manipulative, conniving, fire-fanning, destructive self. But, even that is par for the course as XW has always 'friends' of hers to pat her on the head and backside to side with her in her decisions even though they only ever know 'the story' from one side.

The time has come to be the man, the partner that I am. The time has come to STOP slowly choking the life out of the hope for our reconciliation. The time has come to "man up." 2009 is the year that XW will decide that she wants to begin working on reconciling our M, or I will continue to back away and "act as if." Act as if I will be fine without her. Act as if my world does not revolve around her. I will. It doesn't.

Thanks for reading. Thanks for caring. I appreciate your presence and encouragement.

Tom

[still hopeful]

Goodnight.

I am looking forward to what tomorrow will bring my way. I know that all of my efforts thus far, well-thought out, fruitful and NOT have brought me to the point that I need to be. I have hung on to the idea of reconciling with my own chicken-s*** way of committing to doing all that I can do but being held back by the very real and very feared likelihood that XW will make it clear, even to hard-headed me, that our chances of reconciling our M are below ZERO.

I know that, as my friend frank_D told me, that I need to change how I have been going forward now that I finally have my gut-level honesty on my side instead of the gnawing feeling of knowing that I have been avoiding step ONE of working to reconciling my M. I will set and keep boundaries for myself and allow her inside those boundaries under circumstances that work for me and only in the instances where her behavior warrants being in my presence. I will protect myself emotionally now. I will stand up TO her so that she will have no doubt that she can rely on me to stand up FOR her. I will stand tall and stand strong to NOT allow her to beat me up emotionally because I have confessed a wrongdoing, apologized and expressed sincere remorse and because she knows that I still feel guilty.

I will forgive myself of my guilt and shame and tell Satan that my mind is not longer his playground, and Jesus has washed ALL of my stains clean with His blood. I am aware, that what I have already done and NOT done has been forgiven because I have laid my transgressions and imperfections at the foot of the cross. I am also aware that my actions, or lack thereof, may have already killed our chances of reconciling, but regardless, I feel alive just knowing that I finally got over MY fear of the unknown and my fear of having NO control in my reconciling situation other than by directing MY own feelings and MY own actions, calling to my Lord and asking that He be my shepherd and lead me where He knows I need to follow. I surrender. I will listen. I will obey. I will follow. Amen.

I keep reminding myself to be thankful for what IS. What IS is that (1) my XW still has very intense emotions and feelings about me; (2) she is extremely mad about what I have done and NOT done correctly (in her view) and she is thinking about it, organizing it, processing it, and really FEELING her true emotions about me for the first time since we first split; (3) I spoke my truth about my fears which prevented me from communicating with her while we were married; not an excuse, but debilitating to me nonetheless; XW has some in her life who are rooting for us and some who are rooting against us and I am at the root of both of those emotions; I am rooting for the people who are rooting FOR us to reconcile; (4) I am more in control of me and my actions over the past 3 years than I can ever remember, but I am still working overtime to forgive myself for the past which I cannot change; (5) regardless of what happens, as Phoenixdeux said, I have done all that I can do in the midst of trying to sort out my sitch; (6) I will continue to improve myself to become happy, healthy, and whole and I will assist my children in achieving the same; and (7) wife XW still loves me, but I do understand that, in our case, love may not be enough.

Talk again tomorrow. For those so inclined please pray from me and mine that the Lord will help me to bend my will to His, and should His will not be what I think I want or not be what I expected that He will help me to see His truth and move forward with him in perfect understanding. For those of you who are not inclined to pray, please send any positive thoughts and/or energy my way for me and mine and for the reconciliation of my M and for the re-uniting of my family. I believe that is in our best interests. I believe that is God's will. I know He will reveal His will to all of us soon.

Thanks again for allowing me to bend your ears. All of this expounding on my sitch and feelings helps ME to think, collate, process, understand and feel better.

Goodnight.
Tom

[still hopeful]

Hello all,

Today is a new day and my uneasiness brought on by fears of the unknown is with with me, but not as bad as it has normally been.

My anxiety is rooted in my desire to control the outcome of my reconciliation efforts. It is further deepened by my desire to demand MY desired result on MY time frame. My anxiety breeds irrational unhappiness. My irrational unhappiness leads to unwanted mistakes.

Please, as your day allows, please send your strength and best wishes my way so that our reconciliation has the absolute opportunity to succeed. Any thoughts you post back will serve as just the right tonic to inspire me to keep on keepin' on in the best way. To keep on keepin' on by taking care of me and mine, by letting go but not giving up.

So again, please pray for me; send your positive thoughts and energy my way.

Tom

[frank_D]

Sending now....

[still hopeful]

Received. Thank you, thank you.

Tom