PM Thread #3

[PositivelyMommy]

Thanks CIW and Jay Scott for your support!!! Nice to know I am not alone here. Yes, MIL and I have been friends since day 1 and I have had an intimate relationship with her for many years now, in fact all three of us, H, MIL and I would stay up and talk intimately whenever we visited each other. MIL has a dysfunctional marriage so her H would be by himself somewhere.

When the second bomb went off, I told H that I would be calling MIL to get some emotional support and she has been good. But yes, her primary goal is for H to be happy. For the last few nights we have spent hours analyzing what is going on with him but can't really come up with anything solid. Don't know why the change in personality, the lying, the not caring. Must be MLC, we conclude. Frustrating for both of us because we both want the caring H back, the one we both love but can't have thaT right now.

Today they are off having 'a talk'. I guess I will hear the outcome when MIL comes back. Nothing good, I am sure. Nothing good for me anyway. H is still infatuated with OW as far as I could tell so all I can do now is to keep my eyes and ears open.

Last night, H took them all out for the day. I declined to join them and after a long day out, he took them to the grocery store, brought some food home and cooked it up and cleaned up afterwards. What a fine act! I just sat and ate and made conversation when they came home. Didn't lift a finger. That is such a 180 for me but if H wants to play 'the perfect Dad' while his Mom is here then why should I lift a finger. I just know I will get bombed again (for a punishment for making him feel guilty about MIL's visit) so why should I DO anything to help his charade?

The kids are really happy that MIL is here so that's good. They are very excited because I reinforce the idea that MIL loves them very very much. Which is absolutely true.

I don't know what MIL thinks in her head. She presents herself as caring about our family unit but her words suggests to me that she cares about H's happiness and the wellbeing of the children, that my M can be sacrificed if those two things can be achieved without my M. I am not angry at her. As a Mom, I can understand and empathize. I just wish she would feel strongly that my M was not as bad as H painted and that it is salvagable. If she felt that way, even if she didn't act on it, it would make me feel a lot better. Maybe I should tell her that, at least I would have said my piece and therefore free from resentment later on down the road.


MIL told me that H told her recently that I, PM, didn't do anything wrong in the M. Duh! So when the bomb dropped, I was the evil witch with many problems. Now, he is thinking that I did nothing wrong. But he told her that, oh well, I guess I have to be the bad guy. WTF? Subconsciously he still wants to be the good guy in this even with the lying and cheating. I tell you, I would be a WHOLE lot more sympathetic about his MLC if he didn't go off and develop an A with someone else. Then I could see him in the good guy role. But now, with continuing lying and deception, I find it very very difficult to not see that he has done ANYTHING WRONG? Is he still in a fog to think that he is still A GOOD GUY?

[Can it work]

PM, thanks for your kind words on my new thread. Your sitch with your MIL sounds so similar to mine that it's just a bit scary. My W and I went to dinner at the IL's last night since my W's brother was visiting for New Year and they're away today. My MIL actually called me through the day when my W was out to make sure I'd still be ok to do it. During the dinner I put on my happy face as much as was possible and it went fine. After dinner MIL and I had a couple of opportunities to escape for a 'chat' (I was never going to admit it here but the stress of the last few months has seen me restart smoking. I'd stopped for 18 months! I'm not proud of it and hope to stop again soon but no matter what anyone says, it does calm stress.) in the garage. She's of the opinion now though that she's going to keep out of it more than her and FIL did last time. She still seems supportive of me though and tells me that no matter what happens my IL's will still see me as a son in law and love me. That nearly brought a tear to the eye I can tell you.

Anyway PM, the point of this post is to tell you that I think in my sitch, talking to my MIL has helped greatly (my W isn't the most communicative person in the world when she's in a mood!) for us both to try and understand what's going on. She's also been critical of changes she's seen in me so I can assure you it's not all aimed at my W. I still feel better for talking to her though. Many people will disagree about talking to your spouse's family but only you can know if it's the right thing to do in your R. Everyone's different.

[karen43]

Then I could see him in the good guy role. But now, with continuing lying and deception, I find it very very difficult to not see that he has done ANYTHING WRONG? Is he still in a fog to think that he is still A GOOD GUY?

PM, I asked that same ? a few months ago. G or Lodo, can't remember which, told me your H wants people to think he's a good guy, but he doesn't want to actually be a good guy. And I think that's true in your case as well. Um, lying, cheating people can't possibly believe they are the good guy, but I do know they try to cast us as the bad guy and they are the victim and stuff like that. I do think eventually one day they might realize some of the damage and destruction they've done, but often too late probably...

One book that I read that was really good about this, it talks about the script they seem to be using, and the book is called "The Script" is really good. My jaw was open when I was reading the whole thing b/c I swear if I didn't know better I would have thought my H had read the book! And they also give some advice about what you should do, but a lot of it basically boils down to doing 180s and not falling into the predictable stuff they would like us to. The WAS' actions are very, very predictable!!! Karen

[PositivelyMommy]

Its' getting harder. My MIL's words are geared around us not getting back together. I feel that she is dragging me down because now I have to think about H everyday while she is here. Whereas I only had to deal with him on the weekends. It's not her fault, that's just the way she thinks because H tells her that there is no way he is coming back so she is trying to think how things will go about in the future. Whereas I am still a little hopeful because of DB and we both have IC.

I am trying to be compassionate and help her and not condemn her for her attitude. I am trying very hard. I don't want to hate her because she is a very good grandmother. I just don't want to be surrounded by negativity or hopelessness.

She went to see our IC but was very caged when she came back. She is also going out with H so I think he has introduced OW to her but she has withdrawn from me these last couple of days. It's hard because the three of us used to be so close, now I am also losing my MIL to this mess.

I will see IC tomorrow to help me through this.

Karen, I think you are right, H definitely wants to be seen as a good guy but not really follow through. He recently told my MIL that he said I, PM, did nothing wrong. I am glad he has come around to that way of thinking. But it still doesn't mean he will work on our M or that he will leave OW. I need to have a ton of patience. Pray for me.

[sonshyn]

PM,
I am sorry that you are struggling with your MIL. I know how hard that can be when you are "triggered" by others words. We all seem to find strength and hope and then one random event will occur that turns us back around. Don't give up, talk to your IC, and keep praying. Some days that is all that gets me through.

Have a great day!
K

[PositivelyMommy]

Hi Sonshyn,
thanks for your kind words. My MIL is actually a lovely lady. I respect her tremendously. She went thru the same thing, her H abandoned her for another woman at work when my H was little. Then she changed career and still flourishing in her career to this day. She has tremendous strength. That's why I never thought my H would do the same thing to me because of what he went thru as a child. Also same reason why I thought she would sympathize a bit more. But...she does her best. She just wants her son to be happy. I understand that. So if he tells her that he is happier without me then she wants the best for him so that he is not in pain.

I now wonder if he will ever snap out of his fog. My faith is slipping because of the negativity. I must give this 100% to the end. I have to stay positive and think that I will pull through and at least see through to the day that he is out of his infatuation. It's way too soon to give up and hand him over. If he is out of his infatuation and thinking clearly and still think that there won't be a way for us to work on M, then I will accept defeat. But until that day, I will bide my time.

[sonshyn]

PM,

Your strength and positivity is admirable. That is the attitude that I want and struggle to grasp. Good things will come your way.

God Bless!
K

[hope3343]

Hi PM, I have just been catching up on your thread. You are doing the right things. Your MIL wants your M restored but she is also trying to be sympathetic with your son and what he thinks his happiness is.

Remember he is in fog babble. My H is a stranger to me. I do not even know him. I asked him for his new insurance card on Sunday (she is under his insurance) and it is Wed and no card?? WTH. If he was in his right mind I would have had it immediately especially since D is struggling right now. It is almost like he is blocking his old life out.

I know we have talked about exposure on my sitch. Does the rest of his family know he is having this A? What about the OW? Is she single, married? I know my H was shocked when I told SIL about A. He asked why I told her and I said it was the truth. When the A starts to be exposed it starts to pull it out of the fantasy world. That is the last thing that they want.
I have been praying about what I should do at work. I know what the right thing to do but I keep waffling because of my own needs. It has come to a point that finances are secondary.

I know it gets discouraging. I see your H left in March, mine left in Oct. I know you are feeling that your H should be showing some signs. somewhere in the DR book it said that it takes 1 month for every year of M for a MLC.

Start to GAL, what are you doing for yourself these days? take care. Praying for you.

[3K451]

PM,

It sounds like there are more than a few problems going on with your H. MLC or not, what is going on is plain bad behavior. I've always sort of disagreed with the "experts" on MLC anyhoo. Just because you're questioning your life doesn't give you the impetus to cheat on your spouse...a lot of folks go through some crisis in their lives or emotional problems and don't end up cheating on their spouses.

If your H is passive-aggressive, then there is a boatload of problems there. It is not easy to deal with a PA, and it can drive you batty. My ex was very PA, particularly the last few years of our M just before we D'd. They won't make a decision actively but will wait for YOU to get p@ssed off enough to force one. They won't make a choice or informed decision about anything but will wait for holy heck to break loose before they move on anything.

Also, my thinking is you can't really compare or contrast the development of an R with "stages" of an MLC. Relationships DO have their distinct phases, and particularly after a honeymoon phase there is always a power struggle because the hormonal high isn't there like it was at the start of an R--it's the same when you marry too. But that doesn't necessarily mean the end of an R. Your H sounds like he's still out of it, and isn't thinking clearly. So putting all of that together, it may not be possible to "chart" out what stage/phase he's in and then put it to a calendar to say "ah-ha, this is when he'll 'wake up.'" Some of them never do "wake up" the way we want them to and some do come back, but it's a brand new relationship for each spouse and each spouse has a lot of work to do--one has a lot of healing to do in order to recover from the trauma of an A and the other has to do a lot of work to support and understand the trauma they've put their spouse through AS WELL as learn new coping and relationship skills.

You're doing great. I hope you can continue to encourage your H to bond with the kids...and I hope you can continue your R with the MIL no matter what. From my perspective, she's a great resource to you. Yes, MILs may want their child's happiness but she may also be grounded in reality as well as understanding what's going on beyond what you can see right now. I wouldn't necessarily consider it negativity.

Also, I have another twist on exposure. If your H is particularly PA, it may not be a good thing. When I "outed" my ex, it became nasty. He resented it highly because PAs like the world to think they are "good." Mine looked like a frigging altar boy to his folks...and on the surface, I could see that. Catholic, 4 kids, 23-year M, nice home in the burbs, white collar job, kids in college, yada yada yada. Blech. What that man did shocked them and they took him to task for that and truthfully gave him bloody hell. He took it out on me and so did he OW. Just be careful as you think that through. I laugh at it now because his reaction was pretty childish, but it can hurt and it can sting--you!! You may not want to go through that emotional rollercoaster.

[Can it work]

Hi PM, I was just online and I thought I'd pop in to your thread to catch up. Seems as though you've not been posting for a couple of days. I hope everything's going ok? My sitch hasn't really progressed much over the last few days. Still in limbo I'm afraid. Anyway, I'll hopefully hear from you soon. Keep smiling.