My wife and I have been separated for 12 months and will be hitting the one full year mark on 1-15-09. There are numerous posts about my situation on the board. I am very much in a LRT mode right now as I have done a lot of soul searching and this year has aged me. I have also grown up in a lot of ways and my family and friends love the changes I have made. They say I am happier then I have been in a long time.
The problem is I still miss my wife daily and these holidays have been very very rough. I have played a coy friend, who has still payed a lot of bills for 6 months now. All it has earned me is a want for more money and a disregard of even friendship. She has a OM in her life and tells people she doesn’t “feel married” even though we are. This is a very far departure of the woman I have known for 9 years.
I had set a one year mark in my head along time ago. It’s new years eve and all my friends are with GF or W and I am alone. My W is with the OM. I really miss her friendship and incite but I have decided that a “cheese-less tunnel” of being mister enabling is done. We had talked a month ago and I told her I would no longer pay for her parents and her’s cell-phones. I also explained that “If she didn’t want to be my W , then she doesn’t get the benefits of being my W.” I would gladly take care of her, but I will not be a bank or a parent. Heck I’m not even really a friend
Here is the problem…..I am scared to death about doing this. I am afraid she wont give me her new number and I don’t even know were she lives right now. She has threatened D 3 times in the last 12 months. I have been very afraid to rock the boat as I have thought “ great she threatens but doesn’t file” but now, as I said before., I just feel like a enabler. She lives a single OM life yet gets the benefits of a husband. I want to stand up for myself but I am SO afraid she will take like the spoiled child…or as a women who doesn’t care. She could easy stay legally married and just fade away, to the point I would never know when the shoe will drop. I cant live like that either. waiting for a hidden wife to make up her mind months, or years from now why I just sit and stay true to my vows while she breaks them on a daily basis.
I understand you Marcum. I have been "enabling" (hard to admit but true) my H for so long...I found out he had a girlfriend last November, over a year ago. He kept her on/off through the end of June....still I slept with him when the opportunity came about, etc.
Since July he has moved in/out so many times I can't count. Leaves all his stuff but takes his shaving kit and disappears after the kids go to bed, then a week or even a few days later decides to sleep at our house again.
Like you, I am so afraid of pushing him away even though he is the one who has left...he has not filed either after a year of this. But he 'almost' got an apartment, then he 'almost' bought a house last month...I fear that my 'pushing' him will turn the almost into a certainty.
Sorry if I am hijacking just wanted you to know I can relate. I sometimes think that having him REALLY move out and file would be better than waiting for the shoe to drop but I chicken out when it is time to put my money where my mouth is, so to speak...
Good for you for putting your foot down. I know that if she stays gone, it won't be because of what she has done even if she blames you. If she stays gone it is what she wants to do but she was waiting for you to call it quits so she could duck the responsibility. If she comes back, then hooray for that.
Sorry for the past year and hopefully 2009 will be much better. Glad you and your loved ones are noticing the good changes in you.
Marcum, DO IT, is she still keeping contact with you only because you are paying her bills? what kind of a R is that? I was taken advantage of by stbx in that way, living with me while dining and paying ow's bills with my paycheck. It is very disrespectful, to say the least, what she is doing right now.
It's a cliche, but it is very true, if you want something let it go... to see if it was even worth holding on to.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Marcum, I agree with cat03, that you probably need to make the decision to move forward without her. Reading your post here, the year time frame that you established appears to have arrived. Are things truly any better now than a year ago? If as you stated:
Originally Posted By: Marcum
"I am afraid she wont give me her new number and I don't even know were she lives right now."
If you do not know where she lives, do you really want her phone number?
Think about that, you know probably know where your friends live.
Even with "work only" friends, I know the general area where they live, if not the exact house.
I do not wish to be unsympathetic to your situation, but if you set a year time frame in your head and it is now approaching, if things have not substantial improved by the separation it is time to move on.
Me: 41 W: 41 Married: 17 years Together: 19 years 16-Sept-2008: "W: I want to move out." 16-Jan-2009: Separated, wife moved out. 31-Mar-2010: W, and kids move back home! D 14 S 12 D 11 S 7
Well I called her Friday and told her I was going in on Tuesday to take care of the cell phones. I told her I wanted to give her a few days notice so she would not be left high and dry and if she had any questions she could call me. Well low and behold she did call back and told me she would have it taken care of. I guess I just have to wait now and see what she does… if I get her new number or she fades to black. I know the year mark is very close but I still DO love my wife. I just don’t want to regret not trying. She just does not seem to want me to at all. I her on these boards people talking about “getting back to friendship” or “neutral” before working on a relationship. My W tells me she sees me as a friend. And when we DO manage to get together ( aka she actually lets me) she tells me she has fun. But she lets months go between the times, and I don’t even feel like a friend to her. I feel tired, exhausted from this year and missing my best friend. But I also guess my only option left is to truly let her know she can loose me. When I simply went dark she was fine with that.
Hey big guy. Hope you're doing well. I know the new year has me in a funk...along with the new changes in my life. I hope you're doing well. I do find it odd that she wants to be the one to switch over the cell phones. It may be to protect her number, but it's not likely because you DON'T call her all the time. Also, it's more likely that her number won't change. I was able to change my cell account, even switch to a different company and keep my same number. She'll likely want to do the same.
You can never regret not trying. And your doing the right thing. She hasn't responded to anything you've done so far, so why keep going that way. Maybe if she thinks she'll lose you, she'll start some serious thinking. I don't know your wife, but I like to think that somewhere deep she still loves you. She doesn't want to, and she'll try not to, but it's there somewhere.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
Actually I am the one who decided to change my cell phone plan. I decided that paying for her and her parent’s phone every month was kind of a burden considering she never calls me I have been trying to be supportive, but decided that it is a fine line from support to enabler. She is no closer to me after a year of me being the nice guy, and a story from the db book kind of rang true to me. The one about the husband who was very submissive to his W then finally called her on her bad behavior, I am not telling her “Look you don’t call me why should I pay.” I AM saying “Look you want to be on your own then this is what it will be like. Here is the reality of being single.’ It’s a new tunnel I am trying.
In a way I have been very afraid to stand up to her and truly let her know I will be fine if she leaves. Her justification for leaving is I was a yeller who one time grabbed her wrist and took her for granted. I have desperately tried to show her my loving, kind, and hopeful side. I have worked on myself 24/7 in an attempt to both be a better person for her, and a better person for myself. She has seen changes by her own admission, but they don’t matter. That tells me my bouts of yelling were indeed bad, and the wrist grab was a wrong action by any account, but they were not the true problem. I can stand here and say the problem is she cant let anything go, but that’s not the truth either. She IS hurt ant that is the reality SHE is living in. the problem is she has to WANT it to be better. She has to TRY to make it work, or nothing I accomplish will be noticed, or deemed worth noticing
How are things going ? Truth is you know the right thing to do and its only fear that is holding you back. Reality is she is getting needs met by OM at present , as hard as that is to swallow. There is little that you can do that will have any visable effect. However you can bet that she notices the changes , but will not admit it. Your challenge is to rebuild your life without her . You will still miss her and it does not mean you are giving up. The very act of looking after yourself and making your own life as good as it can be will make you a more attractive person. Standing up for yourself ( that will mean standing up to her ) may earn you a bit of respect from her as well.
What you have been doing hasn't worked and she is taking advantage of you. So, she has you AND a boyfriend at her beck and call. She is suffering NO consequences for her actions. We should all be so lucky.
Put your foot down and don't be a sucker for her any longer. You will feel better and it might embolden you to take more steps toward detaching.
She has to TRY to make it work, or nothing I accomplish will be noticed, or deemed worth noticing .
for a while I deemed my D busted, H came back, but the wrong reasons, he was tired of being alone and ow had kicked him out. I gave it my ALL, I tried my best and darnest to be the best W ever! wanted to please him do anything to make him happy and constantly wondered if he was pleased... to no avail, as soon as ow peaked her head all went to hell, and to the bitter end he lyied to both of us and it ended horribly. He didnt' come back fully wanting to be with me, he never gave us a chance. I know you are looking for little signs she wants back, but trust me, it has to be more than just you doing stuff to apease her/please her, she has to want the M to work for real.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
