Making my own good karma!!

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, (((((BG)))))!!

I'm thinkin' I'll never get that door fully closed. It's so swollen and misshaped from lack of use that the it doesn't fit the door jam anymore!!

I think that really getting contol of my mouth is a pipe dream.....but I haven't given up the battle yet!!

[Babygirl]

LOL girlie, thats something we both need to figure out. for real, hmmmmmmm wonder if there are classes for that lmao!!

[dl443322]

Hey SC, you and I both have sons around the same age, so I know the fear you have for him. My C is concerned about my son also. He is very depressed and I am afraid because I have alcoholism in my family.

My son has always been "straight edge" - totally against drinking and drugs. But I saw on his flickr page (its a photography site) that he questioned whether it was worth it to continue to be edge. That concerns me.

I also saw some things on myspace. The thing is, as teenagers, I think they all embelish a lot on there. Not to say you shouldnt been concerned, but I know in my son's case, he has stretched the truth a bit.

I am not telling him at the moment what I have read. He would be very angry. And like your son, my son is a good kid.

I think that you having had numerous conversations with your son and having him know where you stand on things is very important.
And keeping the lines of communication open.

Just keep an eye out and keep listening and watching.

[Silent Chrleader]

Thank you, BM, for your input.

I did have a talk with my S17 last night and told him of my concerns. The talk went well and, yes, I know they embelish the truth on those sites. I feel that S17 and I have pretty good communication on the whole and that S17, while struggling, understands my concerns and is on the right track (or at least getting there).

Right now, that kid is the light of my life. During our talk, we talked about how we are a family and that it's important that we are honest with each other, and he replied "We are not a family. We are supposed to be but we're not." That just broke my heart. He is so angry at his dad and sister, and he has legitimate reason for both. He pretends to be so tough and says nothing touches him, but he is really a tender hearted kid underneath.

We (S17 & I) move into the apt the end of this week. Excited but sad too. We have lived in that house for 15 years. We have 4 pets buried in the back yard. Will my H ever even miss what he has lost?

[Silent Chrleader]

Feeling depressed. I told H about S17 saying we weren't a family. His reply was that S17 was just using that to manipulate us and make us feel bad. H said we're not the first people to go through a divorce for pete's sake........

He also said he talked to the bank about a refi on main house. This would bring payments down and then he could list it for sale or rent.....I just said "fine, whatever you decide..." I have no idea what H is thinking as far as the long run. To make the "split" easy we were supposed to sell everything.....now he's messin' with the plan.....it really doesn't matter. It's a community property state. There's no way he can afford both houses AND a place to live himself if we divorce. So, renting the place would just delay filing for divorce more, which is fine by me........

I know he still doesn't know what he wants and this makes me wonder if deep down he is delaying things on purpose because he's not sure if he really wants it......but I know that's just setting myself up for disappointment.......I know, NO expectations.

Just feeling down today. I miss him. The guy in his body is not my H. I miss the man I married.

[dl443322]

SC, its great that you and your son can talk about stuff like that. Just keep the lines of communication open and he will be ok.

My son is not angry with my h. He does not know about ow. But I would have thought he would be angry that his father, out of the blue, said he is unhappy and wants a divorce. My son was devastated. But he is not angry. Which I guess is good because I want them to have a good relationship, but I find it odd that my son thinks its ok, if your unhappy, to just bail out.

My h says the same things when I say something about how son is feeling. That son is manipulating me, or he's not depressed because of all this. Whatever.

I so know what you mean about missing the man your h once was. I have known mine since I was 19 and I still cant believe it. But you are doing really well. It wouldnt be normal if you didnt miss what you had.

Just keep praying, keep as much of a positive attitude as you can. Remember that this is his journey. He has to take it. You just have to be there for yourself and your son.

[Silent Chrleader]

Thanks for your support and encouragement, BM. I don't know why I am so blue today, but it's really annoying!

I found about H's PA from S17, because H confessed to him when he was drunk. Then H asked S17 to keep the secret and S17 carried it around for 3 months. Then H accused S17 of something he didn't do, and didn't believe S when he denied it, and that was the catalyst where S lost all respect for H. H is always a holier than thou type, and S just doesn't even want to be around him anymore because all H does is "want him to help on projects and complain about how S doesn't measure up." I can't really blame S17, but I do still tell him that his Dad really does love him and I try to smooth things over. S17 keeps telling me to move on because H will never change.....

And, I know what you mean about them thinking it's OK to just bail out! These teenagers treat sex like it's light recreation, and trade off boyfriends and girlfriends almost daily! Every chance I get, I talk to the girls my S knows and try to encourage them to have respect for themselves, and not get so involved in this stuff! I've even told S's girlfriends that if he doesn't treat them right, then they need to come to me and I'll set him straight! Most all of the girls I have met say that S17 is a real sweetie, even though he likes to act tough. So I take heart in that.

H called me this afternoon while I was on my way home to touch base about a couple of things. He talked again about concentrating on getting the house fixed up and rented out.....I said OK, but you'll then remember you'll have rent for where-ever you live. He said that there is a house neer where he works where the own rents out the rooms. The rent would be only around $400 monthly and he wouldn't have the commuting costs (which are an additional $400 month [ferry]). I couldn't resist saying "And you think you'd be happy living like that?" And he said he knew he could for at least a while.

This is the guy who had to have every tool known to man, be it for wood working, or maintenance, or the car......but now he says he's going to have garage sales and sell it all! Or take it up to the ranch. I'm sure he's still planning on keeping the ranch if we divorce, even though he promised in front of the kids he wouldn't. "Changing his mind" doesn't phase him any more.

What really hurts is that he makes VERY good money now, and is actually underneath a very shy naive guy.......I have no doubt that some woman is going to snap him up in no time. He goes to bars with the boys all the time. And when he drinks, he has no brain! Even my C has asked when I will be willing to accept that the marriage is over, when he gets re-married?

The truth is that I know he sees no reason to come back. The last several years of our marriage, I was pretty much a useless vegitable. I see now that I suffered from depression, and H was always critical and judgemental and just thought I was lazy. I figured I was too! Throughout our marriage there was a lot of turmoil in our family due to our D24's difficulties. I won't go into details, but let's just say that we went through things that were never in any parenting book I ever read (and we had to ask for help from dr's, counselors, police, and many other professionals). H and D24 hate each other now. H's mother once told him that she always thought he would never get married or have kids, because he just wasn't the type. Now H thinks she's right, and that he just never should have got married. The only person H cares about at all is S17 (he has said this) but S is almost 18, and will be wanting to be out and on his own before too long. So, like I said, there is really nothing to even draw him back.

He has said that he appreciates how I have handled all this. I'm sure he does. Even our C has said that he doesn't think this is just MLC. We even read the symptoms of depression, and H doesn't fit them, other than irritability. I know that H cares for me and is sorry for hurting me. I really do know that. But he really truly just wants to take some time to himself, and then start a whole new life. In many ways, I can't blame him.

Boy am I depressed tonight!! Gotta get over it already!!!

[dl443322]

The similarities between us is amazing. I too was very depressed for a lot of years and know it was very difficult for h. I felt for a very long time that I couldnt blame him for wanting out. Although he was controlling and judgemental throughout our marriage. I realize now we were both unhappy.

But, having an affair is not ok. My h should not be having one. If he was that unhappy, he should have told me.

I feel the same way, once son is off to college, there is nothing drawing him back. He seems so far removed from the marriage. But I am the mother of his child, have a 30 year history with him - so who knows.

We just have to keep moving forward. One step at a time.

[Silent Chrleader]

Yes, I know that NOTHING warrants the A. And my H has said that too, and he says it was the one time, but I know that he now considers himself "free" to do anything since he has asked for the divorce and sees it as only a matter of time now.

I try to take comfort in the fact that he's still going to C. He calls me now often (I rarely call him these days) but his calls are about finances and stuff. Every once in a while, he slips and still calls me "babe". The fact that he agreed to sell the houses, but is now talking about renting them, and has said that he is in no hurry to file for D. But, I know that ultimately this is still me looking for a reason to hope, and I need to just let go already!

I know today is just a bad day......I have been doing much better the past couple weeks, so I guess I was due for a klunker day........maybe my whores are moanin'? That's it, I'll blame it on peri-menopause! Ain't womanhood grand!

Actually, do you find it scary to think of being a "single woman over 40" in this day and age. I'm petrified really! The statistics are that we won't re-marry! I'm just not the "live alone" type! My Mom got me hooked or romance novels when I was a teenager! The thought of growing old alone just depresses the crap out of me!

And, by the way, if you don't mind my askin', where bouts in the northeast are you from? I'm not looking for too specific and ticking off the moderators, but we lived in Upstate NY for 7 years. It's really beautiful up there! I loved it!

Thanks again for you "ear", BM.

((((((((((hugs))))))))))

[dl443322]

Yes, I am scared of being alone and sad that I might be for a long time. This is not how I envisioned my life at 50. The thought that I might not have a companion to share my life with makes me very sad.

I am from the New York/New Jersey area.