Thanks for stopping by. You are right Sep that those texts are good things, I really wasn't expecting them.
Oooh, I'm feeling a bit down today - well quite down really. I think that this is always a bit of a poo time of year for me and I have found it quite hard coming back to this house after the high of New Year. Basically back to being on my own again. I just feel so isolated in this house, I can't describe the feeling. It is just like being stuck here unable to go anywhere - literally as it is hard to get anywhere from here without a car. See though, if I moan about that everyone just says well learn to drive but it isn't that simple for me. I feel frustrated because things aren't moving with the house but also at the same time knowing that when things do it is going to be hard, but also exciting. I am keen for my life to move forward now and I am ready to move on but at the same time I am trying to keep h involved and doing the main bits and that means going at his speed - which is snail speed! I still do not even know what the estate agents said!
I had that old familiar loneliness feeling today even when I was with people which I was trying to stop/ quell but it still kept rearing.
It was my first day back at work today which I was looking forward to as it meant human interaction again and distraction. 2 things happened - my rail ticket no longer exists anymore they think due to a glitch in the system which may take weeks to fix so it will cost me a fortune in day returns. Then when I got to work my computer literally blew up. My Chairman then told me to work from home till it was fixed - which most people would jump at the chance of but I REALLY do not want to be alone in the house for the next week. I can't really justify paying my train fares to go into London for non-work purposes either. Arghhhh.
The good thing about not being at work was I went to meet my brother for lunch as I thought I may as well take advantage of the fact that I'd bought the rail ticket for today and while we were eating we spotted my sister and her boyfriend so I hung out with them this afternoon. My sister said I could go and stay with her but the thing is I like my own bed and my own things about me too much. I like to be able to sleep properly in familiar surroundings and I'd still feel lonely there with her and her boyfriend. I think you can be around as loads of people and still feel lonely. I suppose it is something I have to shake myself. I'm sure it will pass. I used to feel it all the time and it is quite rare now.
GALing etc is all very well but I think I have a life now, it is just this place that is doing my head in. Also, seeing people is all very well but I am really missing that feeling of being special to someone. Not so much missing my h himself, I don't know how to explain it. I feel like I need to have a big cry to get it out of my system and I can feel the tears just there but they won't come out. It is so annoying, I can't cry.
I'm trying desperately hard not to let myself fall into the trap of feeling rubbish but at the same time I am not sure that not letting myself feel is a good thing. I also find it so hard to reach out to people and say actually I am not feeling great because then people will think I am not coping and I am coping, just not at the moment/ today. I have a lot of pride and I hate people seeing me broken up a bit.
So I guess I am feeling frustrated as I want to get on, and lonely as I miss having someone. And actually I do miss h a tiny bit even though when I think about him in my head all I see is him moving in with her and I hate that she is in my head associated with my precious h, even though I know he is alien at the moment. I wonder if h ever felt that loneliness or did he just move onto her and never experience it. I guess he probably experienced other feelings. I'm pretty sure that text at Christmas meant he had a 'moment' of something.
Ok, I could ramble on for pages but this is probably boring enough. Too much time to myself!!!!!!!! I need my head to stop thinking... cheeseless tunnel.
