Do Something DIFFERENT

[Laurie]

Dear Cinderellaman,

You have certainly not offended anyone, as your question reflects a very sincere question in the midst of your R not being where you had hoped.

You asked if attempting these changes is for ourselves or for our marriages. JoJo was right when she responded saying you do it for both the marriage and for yourself. I will let you know, that in my almost seven years as one of Michele's coaches, the most hopeful outcomes come from people that consistently put into action PMA, GAL, and the LRT. Plus, a heck of a lot of patience!

That being said, Stuck is also correct that one can do everything perfectly and the relationship may still not reconnect as hoped for, as there are many unique and individual factors that play into everyone's personal relationship journey.

Here are only a few things that I have learned from walking alongside my coaching clients and their attempts to DB:

1) Clients' positive changes create the most hope for the marriage and marriages are healed because of these changes. I cannot remember a marriage getting back together (but it may be possible) when the partner trying to save the marriage lived with (and would not let go of) sadness, anger, resentment, etc. It does nothing to draw the partner back and does nothing to improve the client's life.

2) I have witnessed DB approaches enhance my clients' life. It gives them more hope for their marriage and a positive sense that they have control over their own future and how they want to live it.

3) Children have greatly, greatly benefited from positive DB changes they see their parent(s) make. The immeasurable value DB changes have, not only during the crisis, but also when those children grow up and come to an age of making their own relationship decisions. They have received a legacy from their parent(s) that reflects hope and healing, not long-lasting pain and resentment. And, if the marriage does not heal, they witness how to make it through tough times that are sometimes out of their control and come out with their integrity and hope intact.

Cinderellaman, these are only some beginning thoughts that do not fully address all of your important questions. Let me come back and attempt to completely respond to you.

Thank you JoJo and Stuck for your thoughts to these questions as well!