You have certainly not offended anyone, as your question reflects a very sincere question in the midst of your R not being where you had hoped.
You asked if attempting these changes is for ourselves or for our marriages. JoJo was right when she responded saying you do it for both the marriage and for yourself. I will let you know, that in my almost seven years as one of Michele's coaches, the most hopeful outcomes come from people that consistently put into action PMA, GAL, and the LRT. Plus, a heck of a lot of patience!
That being said, Stuck is also correct that one can do everything perfectly and the relationship may still not reconnect as hoped for, as there are many unique and individual factors that play into everyone's personal relationship journey.
Here are only a few things that I have learned from walking alongside my coaching clients and their attempts to DB:
1) Clients' positive changes create the most hope for the marriage and marriages are healed because of these changes. I cannot remember a marriage getting back together (but it may be possible) when the partner trying to save the marriage lived with (and would not let go of) sadness, anger, resentment, etc. It does nothing to draw the partner back and does nothing to improve the client's life.
2) I have witnessed DB approaches enhance my clients' life. It gives them more hope for their marriage and a positive sense that they have control over their own future and how they want to live it.
3) Children have greatly, greatly benefited from positive DB changes they see their parent(s) make. The immeasurable value DB changes have, not only during the crisis, but also when those children grow up and come to an age of making their own relationship decisions. They have received a legacy from their parent(s) that reflects hope and healing, not long-lasting pain and resentment. And, if the marriage does not heal, they witness how to make it through tough times that are sometimes out of their control and come out with their integrity and hope intact.
Cinderellaman, these are only some beginning thoughts that do not fully address all of your important questions. Let me come back and attempt to completely respond to you.
Thank you JoJo and Stuck for your thoughts to these questions as well!
Laurie, Divorce Busting Coach Contact The Divorce Busting Center at 303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435 if you would like to schedule a telephone consultation with a DB Coach - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com for info.
Good to hear from you. I haven't heard from A since Christmas, but I am trying to trust that he will eventually call again. I have been paralyzed about what to do because I want to talk to him about my mom since she needs, yet, another operation tomorrow, and I have been staying with them again.
I do think that he feels safer and wants to be kinder. I just think that even though it was so small, I have to remind myself how monumental it is that he called at Christmas. (I just want to see him.)
I just hope that this isn't practice for me to learn to be without him because I don't want to give up. I don't want this to be 'only' a self-journey, but I my main goal is to have renewal and be reconciled and be reunited with A.
He did tell me that he has been working more because times have been very bad in the luxury car sales business. I haven't been the happiest of campers because I have been working, sick again, and taking care of my parents. My life has been on hold, and I feel somewhat sorry for myself. I want to talk to him for support sake, but I don't want to talk to him being down. I have mixed feelings about it. My roommate, 'V' tells me to call him and talk to him. I let it go always.
I don't have church support anymore, I get very upset when they push me because I don't like their attitude when it comes to A. They are never, ever positive or hopeful.
I miss him. Again, I feel that there is nothing in the DBing black bag for me. Maybe I should buy some red shoes.
We all fall back when we don't see the change in our R that we hoped and prayed for. I hope that we all understand that we get discouraged ... I go through the encouraging and discouraging roller-coaster ride every other day.
However, the best thing is to go back and list how far we have come, both within ourselves and our R, since we started this path we are on.
When I look back, I know that I 'do' have greater confidence, I know that I would be a better asset to the R, and I love having a stronger sense of hope and trust in seeing his behavior change.
I just re-read my last letter. It sounds 'too sorry for myself'... ick. I do feel hopeful!!! Every now and then, I guess, it just feels good to get the whine out with my crackers and cheese.
Even though going through this process can be difficult at times, seeing a pattern develop seems very interesting to me. I have learned some things from this:
I learned:
1.) Building strength in myself by utilizing patience, waiting for A to come toward me. 2.) Building trust in him that he 'does' actually choose to come toward me. 3.) Even though the process is very slow, he initiates a little sooner and sooner each time. I can visualize him testing the water. The consistent pattern gives me a feeling of stability. 4.) His consistency gives me confidence and the ability to step back and give him space until he needs to come forward again. 5.) I enjoy 'the knowing' that he will initiate a connection.
L, I knew he would call this time. I could breathe in the knowing. For the first time, I could wait with a feeling of trust. I think that is progress for the both of us.
From 3 weeks to 2 1/2 weeks to 2 weeks to a little less than 2 weeks, the time between calls have been smaller and smaller. (Sometimes, they seem like a lifetime for me.)
L, this time, I answered the phone, 'Hiiiiiiii :)!' We talked about all the stuff I wanted to talk about ... his stresses, my stresses (mostly about me). I hope I didn't scare him. I'm always afraid of that. (interesting) At the end, I told him that it was good to hear his voice. He said the same thing back to me. Then, he said, it's been a long time, jojo! Then, I took a chance and said that it would be nice to see him soon. He said maybe next week. I joked about it.
I loved hearing his voice. I also found out that his 'going on with his life' isn't so big and grandious and so far away from me. He is keeping things close. He was very open and honest with me. I miss him very much.
Tonight, I have tears of joy! I think I/we are reaching some kind of goal.
Biggest hugs, PS My mother was operated on today. It was successful, but she did not do too well. She is better tonight. Her tears and emotion are tough for all of us to witness. I am glad I am here for her. Talk soon, xxoo
Dear JoJo, I am so glad he initiated contact again! It also sounds as if you nurtured a warm and caring conversation. I also agree that standing back to look at patterns (yours and his) can offer a helpful perspective. It seems as if there is a period of time that comes around for A when thoughts of you move him to call you. And I agree that your decision to wait for him to initiate helped you see that he does want to connect, just in a different time frame. Hold onto your wide angle perspective JJ! Big, big hugs back to you!
And my prayers go out to your mother and all of you as well. I hope she continues to have a good night tonight and heals.
Laurie, Divorce Busting Coach Contact The Divorce Busting Center at 303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435 if you would like to schedule a telephone consultation with a DB Coach - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com for info.
Hi L: It was good to talk to you today. I was thinking about my behavior changing. It is funny that right now, I don't feel as though I am off the radar screen anymore. I even don't feel like I have disappeared anymore. I feel significant and important, useful, appreciated, and loved. I feel good about my decisions and who I am and what I stand for. I am so looking forward to learning more and learning more about how to incorporate this new behavior into my life forever. Thank you, Laurie, for your guidance, support, and encouragement. I am so grateful that you are part of my life.
1.) Don't feel sorry that I am here taking care of parents. a.) Feel good about it. b.) Do not want to go far from home until mom is better. c.) Happy that dad is a lot stronger physically and emotionally.
2.) Have not really taken care of my weight goal. a.) I think I can start again.
3.) Night classes will be postponed until summer.
4.) Goal with A is primarily the same. a.) Taking note of length of time between each of his initiations. b.) Not to set myself up with anxiety during this period-more optimism. c.) Knowing and feeling that I can take care of myself while I wait for him to initiate.
Next Goals:
1.) Letting him know somehow that I am interested in having fun with him...light and happy. 2.) Showing him that his having a R with me does not have to mean 'all or nothing'. a.) That is soooo important to me.
One thing our relationship taught me is ‘actions speak louder than words’. I have grown to believe in that more today than ever before.
Sometimes, I wonder how I can communicate some things without words. How can I show someone who I am, what I stand for, what I believe in, and what I prefer without using words?
I hope that I show you in my behavior that I am happy getting to know you again. I enjoy your company, and I like you.
How do I show you that to have a relationship with me doesn’t mean ‘to be all or to have nothing at all’? How do I show you that I prefer to experience fun with you—being light and happy? I am interested in doing what brings joy and laughter.
I am enjoying finding my strength and inspiration independently. If I can help to make the ones I love all that they can be, I would find joy in that, too. If you don’t know me by now, that is who I am.
I am trying to show you that I like you very much. You are charming, smart, talented, and fun to be with. I am trying to show you that I prefer to enjoy your company, but that doesn’t mean that either one of us has to give up our lives, our friends, our interests, our dreams, and all that it takes to make our separate identities.
How do I show you that in my behavior?
How do I show him that in my behavior? I'm not sure I can. Maybe a letter will be sent to him one day. I'm not sure.
