if you have anytime at all sandy. Even though she didn't ask you to herself, I think that perhaps you might be able to provide a pointer or two for Miss BobbiJo. She needs to learn some of the finer points of firm and complete detachment (don't we alll) and your name was mentioned on her thread because of the way that you went about things in getting your H to move on his way when that was what he said he desired (or thought he did @ one time. That is what she is up against also and she is a bit too much of a fixer and an enabler. She is at the point of being ready to box up his belongings and give him a push (lovingly of course ). She just can't seem to get up the nerve some times and can't get any 'leverage' to do what she knows she must. I think she could use some encouragement from you to help mitigate some of the fears we all struggle with.
Gabiche?!?
I hope you and the whole family are doing real well as you prepare for the arrival of the baby Jesus.
her H has been out of the house then back in then out (which he kinda is now) It needs to be made more than kind of I am guessing. Her H has too much carte blanche maybe. The boundaries setting and keeping dept I think is the focus of her growth and development that is a little tough for her at the moment.
That should give you enuf of a heads up ..if you needed one.
You know Bj, the lord pulls in different directions and your on my radar for now...don't know why and I don't question it but just offering my opinion and realize every situation is different as every person on this earth is different but there are some fundamentals that are the same.
Some one once said on here it's the law of the Jungle
The pursued run like the wind and to be pursued means they have turned toward you. I will say even though H and I are doing well there are some days I still test the psychology of this theory and it's true. I won't call him when he goes to work some days and some days I don't answer his calls right away but it seems to make him want, wander to talk to me more. Which goes to show that when we were all dating our S in the beginning we werent' 100% available all the time. I mean if we talk every minute of the day the silence gets yucky. He likes to call me on his commute home (a time when he used to call OW..I think out of boredom) now if we have talked alot and we are talked out I end the conversation because frankly....I'm not that interesting if I have already told you everything that's going on in my life and neither is he.
Now, I wrestle with the "I don't want to play this damn game the rest of my life" but really it's no big deal and I get a small bit of self gratification that I wait to return his call sometimes and don't call him to check on his day. Little baby steps!
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
It is true in my situation too. Tonight he was at the bottom of the stairs to leave. I walked away and he came back up to the top of the stairs. He didn't need to, he was leaving!
Anyway I am reading along with you and doing my best. Glad I am on your radar.......
I need a little advice. We are living in the time of the start of the A till the day the bomb dropped on the 20th of this month. H seems to be having an increasingly difficult time with guilt.
Now, I know that in the small picture this can be a good thing, but this is literally destroying the man I knew or know. He goes through desperate feelings of needing to escape the guilt. That is scary. He says that he has always held himself with confidence and pride and now he can't do that because he has failed. Failed himself, me and our family. He feels "very stupid". He has always held himself above most men (that might be his downfalling right now)because of his ethics and values. Now he feels he can no longer do that or be that because of this one mistake he made. It's destroying him. He gets this look of despair and then quiet and then heavy breathing. Soon this is breaking away to tears and head grabbing. Something my H doesn't do.
It seems to be much more frequent in the last 4 weeks or so. It seems to be gaining in frequency.
Here are the questions and please if you know anyone on the boards that could offer adive please point them my way.
1. Do you think it has to do with the time frame of the affair last year? He says no
2. How can I help him? I've already suggested (more than once) counseling. He says he will work through it but just living life.
Observations: In the month of Dec and Jan so far he has had 4 Number Unavailable on his cell phone. This is what used to show up when she called. He always told me about them as we have always been together when it has happened. He has a horrified look on his face everytime. All calls right around both holidays.
I will say that some of it seems unfair that I feel like I can't really talk to him about my feelings because it makes him feel guilty and right now he just seems fragile.
He went back to work today so maybe that will help. Of course it could be a slap in the face as his company is really busy with Her airline right now.
That's All Folks and thanks for the advice.
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
H and I have not been apart since the 19th. H had trip to Hawaii on the weekend before Christmas and insisted that I go. He was worried (felt guilty?) based on the date that I would have a rough go of it with him delivering an airplane on that date. He lied last year about delivering an airplane at this time of the year for you know what. Anyway, he knows about the boards but not the specifics. He hasn't really asked but I got a laptop for Christmas so he is usually at my side when I am on line now so it's hard for my advice to be objective if he is sitting next to me.
He knows I post here but has not asked me to stop and as far as I know he has never looked at the site. He is at work today, teaching in the sims.
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
Then I guess I will give you a little of what I can muster. I should be napping ..but that can hold for a sec.
Originally Posted By: sandy
Now, I know that in the small picture this can be a good thing, but this is literally destroying the man I knew or know.
Ahhh, just like the temple in the most Holy city of all, he can and will be fixed.
Originally Posted By: sandy
He has always held himself above most men (that might be his downfalling right now)because of his ethics and values. Now he feels he can no longer do that or be that because of this one mistake he made.
There seems to be a parallel of sorts here that I seem to be able to relate to. Must be the pilot thing again ..huh? My simple advice is to be as reassuring and as ego boosting as you possibly can for him (as you probably are). He needs that helpful boost from you. Don't pull away from him at all, even if it seems counter-intuitive. The only reason he would be attempting to place distance between himself and you (as it seems he might be) is because he doesn't want what he thinks is his unworthy, tainted self to be responsible for making you "dirty" by association. THis way of thinking has a remote superficial validity to it and absolutely nothing more. In other words it is bunk and you need to push passed it, IMO, and show him the unconditional love you have for him.
That's all. Keep it simple.
And the part about him not making an association with the time of year of the A ......BS! It is on his mind and it is further fueling his slide.
And I will pray that he will perhaps reconsider seeing a counselor ..even if for just a single visit. The unloading of the mind and it's destructive elements is never a bad thing. Us guys and especially pilots are stubborn asses but maybe he will deviate and take a detour from the stubborness before rejoining the homeostatic course.
T