Runningoutoftime - I realize I worded my previous post poorly. It wasn't me, but my H who said that he thinks that if he could have feelings for another person, that we should not be together. I personally don't think that is necessarily the case. I've seen enough of human nature and realize how complex relationships are, especially marriages and that people are not perfect. I am willing to move past that and work on us and the future.
But he claims that he doesn't feel the right way for me. And he's only interested in doing things as a family, the 3 of us, but not as a couple. He hasn't wanted to really spend alone time with me. And certainly no sex and no affection. So I agree with him, yes, if he does not want sex and affection, then he doesn't love me the right way anymore.
When I mentioned to a good friend of mine that it seems like he's afraid of closeness/intimacy with me, like he's afraid to even try, she said perhaps he isn't afraid of getting close to me, but what he's afraid of is realizing just how much of his feelings for me aren't there anymore. Like if we have sex, he will realize that he really can't stand me that way anymore. Right now, he can say he still loves me (and I believe him), , but he's loving me at arms length. But what if we try to get close and he then realizes "wow, things are really dead between us." Maybe he's not ready to face that reality?
I just cannot fathom that if you still love someone, even if it might not be the right way, if you are interested in working on things, that you would not offer up some kind of affection/cuddling, etc. Whatever you did before the problems started. The lack of affection/sex really has me scared that he is done, really done with me.
It's not that I really am ready to leave, I just don't know how much more of just being friends I can take. Affection and sex are pretty important to me and there has been none of that between us since April, and he moved out in May. To me, if you are working on things, then you are also having affection and sex.
JohnnyZ - With my H, I agree with you, our self-respect does take a beating. For myself, I personally would like to adopt the Zero Tolerance school of thought. I have found I just have not been strong enough and I am not sure why. Some days I think I can't put up with this for another second and then other days, I think, just give it another month, etc. My friends think it is because I have low self esteem. In my H's case, I don't think there is a specific OP, but I often think H may be "looking" or maybe looking is not even the right word, but if he's hanging out one-on-one with other women, he's spending energy cultivating other relationships instead of putting the energy into us. And I don't see how we can work then, I just don't.
And I just don't think if we just sit back and "wait" for them to come out of the fog, they can learn to appreciate what they have/had, if they know it is just sitting there waiting for them. And if we are sitting here waiting for them to decide they want to come back to us, then aren't we really saying "okay, I am willing to be 'second best.'"???????? And perhaps they lose some respect for us as well.
