Hm...just got a text from her...saying that S2 is feeling better and should be fine for school tomorrow...I suppose I'll just call later to say goodnight to him...I don't know why, but I feel like something is changing in her...I was even reluctant to say that out loud - and I may very well be wrong...but there's something different going on that I can quite put my finger on...maybe it's just me that's changing...and I'm making the mistake of thinking it's her...I think it's just that I've been able to be very friendly with her lately - no matter how she's acting...maybe it's just that it makes me feel good, and that's the change I'm feeling...I don't know...so I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing. I won't rush her - won't talk about R/M/D with her...
I know that she's supposed to come by and take the rest of her stuff out of the house while I'm away next week. She hasn't said anything about it to me...but we'll just have to keep going on with this process until it ends...however it ends...and we move on, either together or apart.
I don't know why, but I feel like something is changing in her...I was even reluctant to say that out loud - and I may very well be wrong...but there's something different going on that I can quite put my finger on...maybe it's just me that's changing...and I'm making the mistake of thinking it's her...I think it's just that I've been able to be very friendly with her lately - no matter how she's acting...maybe it's just that it makes me feel good, and that's the change I'm feeling...
It could be that you are getting much better at not "taking on" her anger and responding in kind to her provocation. If she has noticed, (and I'll bet she has) that she no longer has the power to control your feelings, she will probably change in some way too. I'll bet she senses your quiet, gentle, strength.
Hi Dudess, That's so much stopping by...cycling a bit through different emotions today - and I think some of those thoughts of change left me thinking a bit too much about how nice it would be to work things out with my W - how lovely it would be to share time with by boys together more often - to have her company - it's almost like the calm in me is just letting me be removed enough from the anger to remember more of the happiness we shared - and it makes me miss it so very much...at times today it almost felt like my heart was breaking again...
Maybe it is just that she's starting to notice that I'm not taking on her anger or aggression anymore. Her anger has provoked me for so many years...hm...I was just talking about that with my S11 yesterday - actually, it was something he brought up - telling me that he likes being home without my W because of how often she would be angry with me and than blame me for being angry (I never knew he noticed that - it's not something I had ever talked about with him). His example was when we would go on trips - or to an amusement park - and I would get in the car and be excited and playful - and then she would start criticizing me - telling me to calm down and to relax...and I just never understood it (fun-sucker).
It's just so strange to remember how much fun she could be at times - how playful and full of life...I used to think that I had somehow ruined that in her...but now I look back and see that she was happy when it was on her terms.
Hm...so I called...and once again she did not answer her phone...but she did call back about an hour later for me to say goodnight to my baby boy. She even talked with me for a while after he walked away from the phone - we talked just about him - how he was feeling better and how he had eaten a lot yesterday. There was still some tension in her voice - but I just stayed friendly...I should have gotten off the phone first - but she beat me to the punch, saying, "okay, well I'll let you get back to your evening."
Just going to keep the positive attitude going...and I will not get trapped in her anger or bitterness...not at all...especially since I wouldn't be surprised if she eventually tries to push some major buttons just to try to force things back into what she thinks is our norm - an exchange filled with anger and tension...
I'm going to Vegas for work on Tuesday...I'll be there almost a week...thankfully one of my closest friends will be there working as well. So we'll get a lot of time to talk and I'll have a chance to GLA away from home. Only problem is that I'm not really into Vegas at all...since I don't gamble, don't care to do anything that stays in Vegas, and am very cautious with how I spend money on anything these days...
...one last thought...talking with her tonight about our baby, it almost felt like how we used to talk on the phone when I would be out of town on work...just no talk about us...only talk about our son. Another baby step? Hard to say...maybe just another sign of how much I've removed anger and tension from my life...I did a personality test this afternoon - and it said the defining characteristic of my life is: calming.
I have those same urges. There are moments in which I really think calling H and asking him what we could do to get back to each other would work. Then I remember that we have already had those conversations, many of them in one way or another, before he left. I still have moments where I find it hard to believe that simple, straightforward dialogue would not resolve things, as it always has in the past.
I think this is because the issues are smaller for us as LBS because we are not struggling with inner demons. I also think we still believe they are away because of us, so that if we let them know we can change, all should be resolved. But they are not away because of us. They are away because of themselves. For whatever reason, our spouses feel they need to be away and alone. I think so long as they feel that way, we cannot talk them home.
Carlos I agree with V completely... Just thought of something, the way that you handle your wife right now is exactly what Techguy is talking about. This is from him... Buddhism for idiots': Every time wife slaps me, I hug her back! It takes lots of heart to achieve this.
Have a good day, my friend.
NW626
Me:33 STBXW:38 S:3 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you fight the fight....!!
Techguy is completely right - and that's just how I've felt recently...to think that I used to teach people how to meditate...somewhere along the line, I had forgotten about a lot of the other teachings of Buddhism that used to help me stay so very calm and happy...
The first day of school for my S11 after the holidays is always tough...mostly because I have to drop him off after having just spent two weeks with him...and this was the first time in nine years that it was really just the two of us for much of his break. We bonded a lot - talked a lot - and I learned a lot about him and how he is growing up. I also learned a lot about myself in these last two weeks - and am happy to see that I'm doing a good job as his dad...and just hope that I can offer my baby boy the same positive love as he grows up.
Now I have to bury myself in a ton of work that I kept putting off so I could spent time with my boys the last few days...
...all while making sure I don't get sucked into the sadness that I feel threatening to overtake me today - which is why I keep rereading what you wrote above, Veronica, "they are not away because of us. They are away because of themselves." Remembering that calms me a lot - soothes my pain and sorrow - and makes it much easier to love my W for some reason...as I don't reflect on what she's done to us/me/our family - rather, I look instead at how much pain she must be in - and how much she would have to go through to heal. I still don't know if she wants to do it - I know she could if she wanted to - she's incredibly strong in many ways - and brave - I just wish she could use that strength and bravery to find herself and find a way to be happy.
"they are not away because of us. They are away because of themselves." Remembering that calms me a lot - soothes my pain and sorrow - and makes it much easier to love my W for some reason...as I don't reflect on what she's done to us/me/our family - rather, I look instead at how much pain she must be in -
Carlos,
You have it. That is precisely why I tell this to myself, all the time. It helps me find compassion for someone I love. I agree that it helps alleviate the pain and sorrow, too. At least that which comes when we think we drove them away.
I am not saying, contrary to DB principles, that we did not have things about us that needed fixing or attention. Rather, that they are going through something that is, for the most part, really all about them.
As for their finding the strength and courage to work on their issues they have already started. As painful as it was for us, they left. That was the first step in finding the solution for themselves. On some level, they must have recognized that they would not find their solutions while staying with us. I guess we have to trust that they will keep moving forward on the path just as we are doing.
