Thanks K, I'm not so sure.. I seem to be sinking even lower today. Its becuase he's 'back', in Cornwall now and NOT contacting me. And the realisation that I have seen him twice in 4 months. I must be crazy to be holding out for him to want me back. He is dating someone else. We're barely in contact anymore.
I have a strange sensation today.. I feel angry. I feel wound up, cross, frustrated and angry. I want to rant and rave at him. How could you leave me like that, with so little warning and not a single discussion, or argument, after all those years? How could you put me through such shock and devastation to save yourself and not have to face any unpleasant explanations? Why did you string me along then for 6 months and phone me every day and see me every weekend to turn round and 'leave' me a second time for that woman you met at work? The one you swore you werent interested in.
Why phone me a week before Christmas and talk for an hour about yourself and not even ask me how I am or what I have been up to? And if you care enough to go to the effort of sending me a Christmas present and card, why then, when I (embarresingly) said it would be nice to meet up sometime, you sidestepped the quesion with a "I dont really know what I am doing"..as if you dont really want to see me.
And why take me for meals and drinks and bike rides and to the cinema and out with friends and stay overnight with me and email me every day often 3 or 4 times and phone most evenings for months and yet.. not let me know where you live?? And now, after all this time, to still talk to friends about me, as if you are weighing things up, but to not even contact me, thereby making me feel even more worthless and that I am a 'failure' for not being able to do enough, be good enough, interesting, alluring, pretty, funny, special, whatever enough, to win you back.
Why do all of this to me? Why be so cruel, after all the love and kindness I showed you for a decade?
Well, guess that saved me writing an angry letter to him. I think I've lost all self belief and confidence.
