To really DB...is to go against everything you think will work. Like talking about it. Like professing your love. It requires you to step back, evalute yourself and your failings, work on those while your spouse is doing...whatever. DBing is all about showing that you have changed, not telling her that you have. Deeds not words will get you through, but deeds come to fruition down the road.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
She states she is just numb and doesn't feel the same. She doesn't know if she'll ever be able to love me again. She just can't answer anything because she doesn't know.
This is word perfect to what I heard from my wife.
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I help daily with wash, fix meals, and try to do my share at home, so it's not all on her as a rule.
Did you always do this? You may have missed my post before, but this will be seen as groveling, she will not respect you and this will begin to repulse her. I have been there and done it.
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As far as sex, do I refrain from trying or do I just try and let the chips fall where they may.
Rhetorical question !!??
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It's confusing, she will act normal sometimes.
She will act normal, when there is no pressure and relationship talk. She has done the hardest part by dropping the bomb. When you confront, ask for answers and cajole her, she will get defensive and retaliate.
When I totaly backed off, I heard no seperation talk for nearly a year, she felt comfortable, and was fairly amenable.
Ral, Smurf is correct, I can look at a calendar over the last year and document everytime that I pushed , or pursued. Everytime I did she took it out of neutral and moved forward. It has been 10 months since I completely backed off. In that time she has filed for divorce moved out to and apartment and has seen a lawyer to complete the settlement agreement. It has been 4 months since she saw the lawyer, she has not had the ability to finish any of it.
Be kind, compassionate and friendly. Find a life for yourself, away from all the madness.As far as sex, LOL,unless she iniates it , don't expect anything to happen.It is tough.Keep your eye on the goal.
m-54 w-44 children-4 bomb-sept 21 2007 t-21 m-20yrs bomb-sept 23 2007 divorced but not giving up hope, not yethttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#post1224023
Sometimes it seems so surreal to read situations like yours and realize how much similarity it has with other situations on this board.
We all come here thinking our situation is different. Well, typically they are all unique but have striking similarities with many other tales here.
Residing on the back side of one of these situations, no longer tossed about by the rollercoaster ride, it seems so clear what will work and what will not. It seems so easy to understand what types of behaviors are fruitless endeavors and which are worth devoting time and effort to.
Listen to the people who are posting to you.
Jack has been to the brink and back. He has been to the point of just about being done, and now resides in a lifetime of piecing his marriage into what it always should have been.
Ian (Smurf) has already told you that he has lived thru a situation very much like your own. No, it's not YOUR situation, not YOUR wife, but he has words of wisdom that will save you days, weeks, and months of wasted and hurtful time.
There are common themes we hear from spouses who find themselves wanting to check out of the marriage. Many of the things your wife has said to you, have been said to hundreds of other people who have frequented this board. We can learn from them if we choose to, or we can decide to blaze our own trail.
But as Jack has pointed out to you, this DB'ing stuff is incredibly counter-intuitive. Your instincts will fail you here at many of the avenues you will be going down.
Relationship talk IS pressure, period. ESPECIALLY if started by you. It could not be said more eloquently than Jack did...
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Have you ever ended a relationship? How much did YOU want to talk to the person you ended it with? Its kind of the same. Stop appearing needy. Stop pressuring her.
You're 50 years old, old enough to know that life isn't fair. You improve yourself until your wife comes out of her MLC, if that is what it is. You work on yourself until then and then and only then do you work on your marriage with her.
Give her space.
Don't try to win her back with behavior (like suddenly taking on tasks and chores you never did before) that will only come across as pandering to her.
Become a better man.
THAT's what DB'ing is about. Looking within OURSELVES, finding our deficiencies, making mid-course corrections, and beginning to live life the way we always meant to live it.
Do the things you never did, but always wanted to.
Make yourself the 2009 version of the man that she fell in love with.
But not because you think it might trick her back to you. These wandering spouses, they can smell BS a mile away.
Do it because it makes YOU feel good about YOU. Because it gives you the confidence that her actions/words have chipped away at. Because it reminds you of the man you always dreamed you would be.
Then allow [censored] to happen.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
I never realized the support network available here. You all are second to none and have my utmost respect and admiration. "Thank You" isn't a big enough word...
Listen to the advice you are getting, Bworl, Jack and Smurf have gone through the fire, there advice is sound. If you adhere to what they are saying you can avoid alot of the costly mistakes that many people make. Listen.
m-54 w-44 children-4 bomb-sept 21 2007 t-21 m-20yrs bomb-sept 23 2007 divorced but not giving up hope, not yethttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#post1224023
I've also been reading the posts by BSC and the responses by SirPrizeMe, TRAPT, etc... Sounds pretty familiar to my sitch. My head is swimming, I've never had to analyze all the signs before... Wishing you all the best.
