I do appreciate you being honest with me. It think it's hard for a lot of spouses of deployed soldiers to understand what all goes on over there. We know you are danger...common sense tells us that...but we really don't comprehend it. It is so distant and incomprehensible because we have not lived it, maybe you don't speak of it, I'm not sure, but it's just so...far away. I felt so far removed from his life at that point that it was just...strange, I guess. Not sure what word I am looking for here. Add on to that me working full time (because Lord knows we couldn't make it without it) Add on to that me going to school full-time (trying to make a better life for all of us) Add on to that me taking care of two kids alone. Add on to that me taking care of a house and yard alone. Add on to that the things he would call back and want me to do. Add on to that the feelings of being SO ALONE because nobody ever checked on me or did anything to help me out or inviting me anywhere just to get me out of the house. Add on to that a dog and cat. Add on to that trying to give him the impression that everything was fine at home and "the wifey" was doing great. God forbid we ever admit that we are sucking at this. You know the "rule" about only giving good news and sounding upbeat and being superwoman.
It's no excuse for the choice I made. But damnit!! I know you guys bust your butts over there. There is hands down no question. But ya'll get all the support you can get over there. It doesn't matter. Because there's no excuse for the choice I made.
Again, thank you. I'm not mad and I appreciate the POV. I'm just disappointed in myself, ashamed, sad, and about a million other things.
Mel
Mel, it is distant and lonely for us too. But we cannot control that. My deployments were not very easy for us. I tried to do everything for my wife before I left but you can't do it all. You can't help your wife when you are half a world away. Hell I bought her a 4X4 so she would not get stuck in the snow...but there are limits. We grew distant, I am sure she had her doubts about me being in a small unit that was half women in a very restricted environment for so long. But even though the opportunities to be unfaithful were there and were presented to me regularly. I did not do it. I could not do that to her, even under the stress I was under. Not trying to throw stones but he was under stress and pressure to Mel. You just have to take your lumps at this point. I sure as hell would not be saying anything about his drinking either, unless it could cause him or others harm. Give him time and space. As a military spouse you have to realize that there is a whole subspecies of humans that look to prey upon spouses of deployed military folks and we know that and it adds to the stress and pressure of being away. To have that fear confirmed is a killer Mel. Put yourself in his shoes but please let go of the guilt and take care of yourself and your kids. That is what you can do right now.
