Divorced, but 'still hopeful' to reconcile.

[still hopeful]

Hello all,

I haved a lot of in-house 'cleansing' to do tonight.

Recently, my XW and her HS girlfrend went to a Sacramento Kings basketball game. I stayed at XW's house with our children to facilitate XW's going to the game on HER night with our children. I didn't have an ulterior motive for doing so, I simply thought a fun night out with her GF would lift her spirits and change her focus from her crappy present familial dealings with her own family.

XW and GF had a great time at the game drinking alchohol. Thankfully, they took a cab back home. After being home for a bit, they asked for me to go and pick up some beer for them, which I did. I ended up sleeping over to care for the children.

As the night progressed, GF was talking about the fact that the failure of my and XW's marriage was a huge blow to her ideal of marriage (she is single). GF also reminded XW that on our M day, XW told her that I was the ONE man she had ever met that she didn't want to change. This revelation is AMAZING because I had already blow any chance of perceived perfection in her eyes. Sadly though, I hadn't messed it up sufficiently for her to D me. That expertise and self-destruction takes a bit more self-inflicted damage.

As the evening progressed, GF made it clear that she had been talking to XW all evening (and probably for quite some time before) that she thought that XW's decicion to D me was wrong. I was being peppered with questions by GF all evening, and I answered them truthfully. XW made it clear that she was uncomfortable discussing her feelings about our past or her present feelings. GF did not relent.

GF then began asking me about any un-confessed mistakes. At that point, I froze. XW picked up on this immediately. Some things are better confessed immediately, regardless of fears. When my XW was pregnant with our D8, I had sex with a woman once. Most will not believe the 'once' confession, but it was only once. The woman lived over 2 hours away. Regardless, wrong is wrong. I had reasons for doing so (excuses), but unfortunately I did this anyway. XW sensed this LOOOONG ago.

When my XW found out about the second tiime this happened, she KNEW that 'something' had happened before. I don't know how she new, but her 'feeling' was correct. Back when my affair became 'public' knowledge, I began reading to find the best ways to reconcile with my wife and my self-induced disaster. I read TORN ASUNDER, which as book about affairs and reconciliation. Step one is TOTAL honesty. Guess which step I skipped over. I did everything else the book directed, I followed DB and DR to the best of dishonest ability, but I could only get so close to my XW because she 'knew' that I had not only previously messed up bad, but that I wouldn't own it because I refused to be honest; to come clean.

When XW saw me stiffen at GF's question, she whisked GF out of my presence. They were outside talking for quite a while. When they came back in, XW went to her BR and GF came to talk with me. GF and I talked for quite some time. I have wanted to 'come clean' to XW since my affair became know. The reason I didn't? FEAR!

Talking with GF further, I decided that by my not owning up to my unconfessed mistake I was slowly suffocating any hope out of reconciling my marriage. I told GF. GF urged me to 'man up' to my XW or all was lost. I have wanted to do this since the beginning, since my mistake, but I didn't due to fear. I know that being afraid of losing my wife, who was now my XW and who D me, was the ultimate in stupid fear. So...I confessed my mistake to my XW. She listened. She didn't re-act poorly towards me. And as much as I felt that relief would never come from confessing, it has. I don't feel any less wrong, but I do feel relieved from carrying the silently burden of NOT confessing to my XW and giving us both the peace of truth.

I have spent the bulk of our R in fear because I have spent the majority of my life feeling like I am just not 'good enough.' This fear is deeply rooted in my own childhood issues that I continue to root out. All of MY issues that I have become aware of have resulted from my March 2003 snowboarding accident which almost killed me.

That accident put me in a coma for a week and in a stupor for another 2-1/2 weeks. I was life-flighted off of the mountain, and went by ambulance from Reno, NV to Sacramento, CA, and subesequently to Vallejo, CA for rebabilitation. Now, our M already had serious difficulties, but this made it all worse.

After being released from the hospital in June 2003, I went back to work WAAAAAY to quickly (August 2003) because of my own driven and caution-to-the-wind way of caring for myself. Heck, I ran in a 5K race in June 2003. Not smart, but I did it anyway.

In December 2003, I had an all day set of psychological tests in my hospital. The results came back that I suffer from a bi-polar disorder. My initial reaction was relief; finally, I reason for my, sometimes, less-than-social behavior. In simple terms, bi-polar is a mood disorder. I am told that I suffer from bi-polar II, which is less severe than bi-polar I. I knew absolutely about bi-polar, but quickly read up. The more I read up, the more my manic side decided that it knew the truth and the doctors knew nothing, so I was NOT going to take medication, because I, of course, knew best. After the accident, I was prescribed Depakote, an anti-seizure medication which has a side effect of balancing mood fluctaions. For me, I didn't feel a diffence, but apparently it made me sleep LOTS which made my wife's dealings with me less and less contentious.

I am still not 100% certain that I understand the effect that my brain disorder has on my behavior. At one pointin 2004, while working I had a couple of episodes of feeling the need to pull over and bawl my eyes. Those episodes led me to relent and see that I did, in fact, have an issue that I needed to deal with. I went to the psychiatrist and was prescribed lithium. After taking lithium for several months I decided that I didn't need lithium because I didn't 'feel' any different, of course.

I decided to self-medicate, which meant that I would stop taking lithium because I decided to stop. I did not consult my psychiatrist. I seemed to be doing fine for about 3-1/2 months, but then a familiar bout with anxiety reared its ugly head. When the feeling swept over me, I remember seen myself in my mind's eye, saying to the anxiety, "I remember YOU!" Thankfully, when this anxiety bout hit, I still had a whole bottle prescription of lithium, so I started taking them again and and have remained on them since.

I have come to grips with the fact that my brain is afflicted by a chemical imbalance which causes wide mood swings with are sometimes imperceptible to me, but not to others who are impacted by them. I'd love to believe that I haven't had a horrible impact on those in my life becuase of my condition, and at the same time I'd love to believe that it's not as bad as my wife has related her experience with me. I do know that I need to stay on my medication regimen and pray that the truth is somewhere in between AND closer to minimal negative impact.

As of today, I understand how far away that my XW is from me emotionally, and rightfull so. I am lonely in my march to do the best that I am able to continue my journey to reconcile my M. Although my XW hasn't told me to get away from her, I know that that day may soon arrive. I want the best for her. I want to be forgiven. I want the opportunity to reconcile my marriage and make my family whole again. But for now, I'll just pray for pease; peace for me and mine. Pease for all.

Thank you for listening. Thanks for allowing me to word dump. Thanks for caring enough to read about someone you don't know.