I do appreciate you being honest with me. It think it's hard for a lot of spouses of deployed soldiers to understand what all goes on over there. We know you are danger...common sense tells us that...but we really don't comprehend it. It is so distant and incomprehensible because we have not lived it, maybe you don't speak of it, I'm not sure, but it's just so...far away. I felt so far removed from his life at that point that it was just...strange, I guess. Not sure what word I am looking for here. Add on to that me working full time (because Lord knows we couldn't make it without it) Add on to that me going to school full-time (trying to make a better life for all of us) Add on to that me taking care of two kids alone. Add on to that me taking care of a house and yard alone. Add on to that the things he would call back and want me to do. Add on to that the feelings of being SO ALONE because nobody ever checked on me or did anything to help me out or inviting me anywhere just to get me out of the house. Add on to that a dog and cat. Add on to that trying to give him the impression that everything was fine at home and "the wifey" was doing great. God forbid we ever admit that we are sucking at this. You know the "rule" about only giving good news and sounding upbeat and being superwoman.
It's no excuse for the choice I made. But damnit!! I know you guys bust your butts over there. There is hands down no question. But ya'll get all the support you can get over there. It doesn't matter. Because there's no excuse for the choice I made.
Again, thank you. I'm not mad and I appreciate the POV. I'm just disappointed in myself, ashamed, sad, and about a million other things.
Mel
"Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst."
