I have been praying very hard for a sign from God for what I should do. I have been thinking about transferring out of state with my job. This would take me out of the situation completely. I was not sure that this was the best choice but it was on the table. I went to church this evening. Right before service ended I said a prayer to God asking for direction for the New Year. Right after I finshed my prayer the band played this song in closing. I think he was answering me. The song in called "God of this city". I really feel his presence tonight.
Here are the lyrics:
You're the God of this city You're the King of these people You're the Lord of these nation You are
You're the light in this darkness You're the hope to the hopeless You're the peace to the restless You are
There is no one like our God There is no one like our God
For greater things Have yet to come And greater things Are still to be done in this city
For greater things Have yet to come And greater things Are still to be done here
M 27 W 26 M 4.5 Years T 6 years Bomb Oct. '08; "ILYBIANILWY", "You don't fit into my life", "Our marriage had to have been a mistake because it is not working".
Yes it is scary that they think God is telling them to get a divorce. It says right there in the bible that God hates divorce with that being said how can one justify the arguement that God wants them to get a divorce. That is Satan at work. This saddens me very much to think that they believe this. I pray every day that God interferes and shows my wife that there are more options rather than just divorce. That he shows her that the long journey back to the restoration of our marriage would be worth it. That our hopes and dreams could and would come true together if we recommited to our marraige and walked with God in our marriage this time instead of having him in the background as before. Instead of wondering what could have been I wish God would show her what could be. I believe that what is happening in our marriages probably needed to happen in one way or another. I know in my situation there were many things that my wife and I needed to step back and take a look at. I have neglected much. I am ashamed and regretful for that but the ultimate failure forced me to take a step back and look at my life and relationship in a new way. Perhaps things don't seem to be getting better in my situation because I am not done with my transformation. I believe that God will show me the way when it is time. Hopefully this path will be back to my wife. I miss her more than words can express.
My wife called me yesterday. She was extremely pi$$ed off. She was upset because I contacted her neurologist a couple of weeks ago to discuss her medication. I tried to contact him to explain that I have seen several changes in my wife since going on some of the medication she is on. I never even got through to the doctor. I only got a chance to talk to the receptionist who said she would get back to me with a way to contact the doctor. She never got back to me. Instead she just told the doctor I guess who in turn told my wife without having the whole story and now my wife thinks I was telling her doctor she was crazy. Contacting the doctor was done because my therapist suggested it. When I told the therapist that my wife had a previous problem with the same medication she is still on she was very concerned. She has seen this before. She suggested that I contact my wife's neurologist to discuss this. Because of her position in this matter I think she had to suggest it. I really needed this to be as discreet as possible. Instead it went wrong. I told her that I did it because it was something that was suggested and only did it because I cared about her and was concerned. She said that she was sick of hearing about me doing things because I care about her. This sucks because I have been trying to keep my distance and stay out of her business. I try to do good and I try to help and I just get $hit on. She sees me using her meds as an excuse. That is not the case at all. She has changed since going on them. I am not the only one that has noticed this. I don't expect for her to come running back to me with open arms if she comes off of her medication, I don't think that is realistic. I just want her to have a clear head about what is going on. I don't want her to make mistakes for herself, its not about me. If her meds have her in a fog and she can't see it then she may make irrational decisions.
It was about an hour long conversation. She asked me what I think ended our relationship. I told her that I thought it was my lack of trust in her. She said that that added to it but was not the main thing. She said that it was bcause I did not accept her as herself. It was not another man, her desire for the single life, her medication, her friends....the failure of our marriage was based solely on the fact that I did not accept her for who she really was. She compared herself to Las Vegas, she said that people like to vacation there but most people would not want to raise a family or live there. They enjoy the pretty lights and going to shows and gambling but it is not the type of place for them to live. She said that I liked the fact of being married to her and how pretty she was but only when it was convenient. She said that I could never let go of things from her past and that I never forgave her. A couple of posts back I mentioned to LonelyD that I have not forgave my wife. I was talking about the most recent episodes not her past. I have forgiven her for the past and I am/was ready to move on. She was not my Vegas. She was my home. If I didn't accept her for her then why am I trying so damn hard to make this work? Why don't I just find some one more fitting to what she thinks I am looking for? She doesn't get it!! Not at all!!! She is the one in this world that I commited to through good times and bad, sickness and health, for better for worse, TILL DEATH DO US PART. I absolutely would not have made that commitment if I didn't accept this woman for who she really is. She doesn't understand that we are not going to agree on everything but that is okay. That it will never be perfect always. It doesn't matter who she is with it will never be perfect all the time. This takes work, some times more work than others. It takes sacrifice, love, understanding, COMMITMENT, patience....I understand these things more than ever. That is what I commited to. She mentioned things that I did or did not do to mess up our relationship. I told her to add them to my list. My list of things I did wrong, my list of lessons I have learned, my ever growing list that I am trying to learn from. I said that when I have children I will make mistakes with them. I will screw up. I hope to God that my kids will forgive me and not want to walk out on our relationship. I am not perfect folks. No one here is. I accept that and the only thing I can strive towards is being the best of everything I can be. I guess my best is not good enough for her.
The truth is I do accept her but we are different people. She is a very fun loving out going person and I am more of an introvert. In fact I am jealous of some of her qualities and try to learn from her. If at times I am a little closed off or shy she seems to get upset and at the same time when she would be too loud it would get out of my comfort zone and I would try to explain it to her. Alot of times this ended in arguements. I guess that was miscommunication on both of our parts. As for her past. She went through some things before we met. Some of it wasn't even her fault. She was young and confused at that time. I have forgiven anything from then. It is not my place to judge. I found a saying the other day. "Love the sinner, hate the sin." Wow what a powerful statement. This is how God looks at us. Since we are supposed to live in his reflection this is how we should look at it. I am actually thinking about maybe getting a tattoo or something made with these words on it. So I can see them everyday. I know in my heart that all of these problems can be fixed with some time and help. I can't do it alone. I pray so hard that God softens my wifes heart and helps her to at least give it a try. She is afraid of a honeymoon period and then it going back to the way it was. That would only happen if we let it. I would rather give it a try then to wonder everyday what could have been.
Take care everyone. Sorry for such a long one.
M 27 W 26 M 4.5 Years T 6 years Bomb Oct. '08; "ILYBIANILWY", "You don't fit into my life", "Our marriage had to have been a mistake because it is not working".
I want to apologize for some of my last post. I know that it probably sounded angry and expecting too much from my situation. It looks like I still have much to learn about DBing. I need to keep my mouth shut and stop defending myself to my W. I need to listen, validate and move on. I care about what she has to say and I am trying to understand where she is coming from. If everytime she says something I just defend myself and through it back at her then this will never go any where. Perhaps that has been a problem for a while. Maybe she is just telling me these things because she just wants me to listen and see it through her eyes. She is not wrong to have feelings but some of how she thinks I feel or think is not right. I whole heartedly accept this girl for who she really is. Instead of correcting her I should just keep my mouth shut and somehow try to show her how I really feel. Due to our lack of contact though this will be close to impossible or maybe even too late. How do I go about showing someone that I accept them for who they are when I do not even see or talk to them? Even the slightest bit of contact would be a blessing at this point.
Thanks for any advice.
Time for bed. The gym really kicked my butt this evening. Goodnight.
M 27 W 26 M 4.5 Years T 6 years Bomb Oct. '08; "ILYBIANILWY", "You don't fit into my life", "Our marriage had to have been a mistake because it is not working".
Sooners7xchamps, where you at buddy? I havn't heard from you in a while. I hope everything is going okay.
M 27 W 26 M 4.5 Years T 6 years Bomb Oct. '08; "ILYBIANILWY", "You don't fit into my life", "Our marriage had to have been a mistake because it is not working".
Sooner, Let me start off by saying sorry about Thursday. Better luck next year.
Took a couple of days off posting. I have been trying to sort some things out in my head. On Tuesday I met up with a staff member from church for a talk over coffee. The pastor recommended I contact him after hearing about my troubles. I sat down with the pastor one day after church just to ask him to pray for us and to say a special prayer to keep my wife safe. He mentioned that this person went through something very similar and I should sit down and talk. As you know I am up for anything at this point. He was very helpful and mostly listened to what I had to say and gave advice based on his past experience. Unfortunately for him his past marriage ended in divorce but there was some things that he could have done but didn't realize until too late. He stood for his marriage until she filed and had him sign. He has since moved on but I can tell he really wanted to make it work and is maybe disappointed in the outcome. I could still see some of the pain. Our one hour long meeting turned into 2+ hours. I felt kind of bad but he was very happy he could sit down and talk it out and maybe help. He says that helping people talk about it and maybe even suggesting helpful tips has helped him accept the pain he once went through. Our situations seemed very similar. In fact his wife was on the same anti-depressant my wife is on and he agreed that it caused more problems than the solution. He said that his sister in law is always on some sort of heavy dosage of med (reason unkown to me, didn't ask) and she couldn't even take it. I told him about my wife saying that i did not accept her for who she was. One thing that really stuck with me is that he asked if I accepted my wife for who she is right NOW, even if the new her is who she really is, even with everything she has done to hurt me that I know of and expecting maybe there is some I don't. That has been something I struggled with all week, I have thought long and hard and really dug down deep. Sometimes I feel that she is so different from who she once was. The conclusion that I have came to is YES. I do accept her, right now, always. I accept all of her, her faults, her strength, her weakness, her goofyness, her flaws, her soul..every part...every fiber...physically, emotionally and spiritually. It hurts that I had to think about it but so much has happened that I had to question who she really was/is. Deep down I know this girl better than anyone. I am also struggling with the fact of getting another wedding band. As previously posted I lost mine. I am not sure if she would take it as me being commited or if she would think that I need to be commited (mentally crazy). I am not even sure when I will see her. I want to get one to show how commited I am but also because I want to continue to wear it for myself as a reminder of my commitment and what I am fighting for. After all this time I still feel weird without it. I fear that it will upset her but I am not sure. Any thoughts/advice? I also had my second Divorce Busing coach session on Thursday. My coach seems excited and said that some of what I thought were bad things in our conversations could be looked at in a different way. She is excited and thinks that this thing is recoverable. Both her and Andy (guy from church) suggested I ask my wife on a date. She will probably say no but I should do it anyway. Then give it a week and ask again but be prepared to take many "bullets" and even harsh rejection. Not a romantic date but just to go out and be friendly. I am struggling with this and will continue to pray about it. I can't believe how afraid I am to ask my wife on a date.
I continue to pray and try to work on me. Reading alot, hitting the gym and catch up some things at work. I am also fasting. I am not drinking Pepsi. I know that might sound like not a big deal but anyone that knows me will tell you that the stuff probably runs through my veins. It is taking disapline but it is giving up something that I like and need(?) on a daily basis. Water is better anyway especially now that I am working out more.
More to come....gotta go for now.
M 27 W 26 M 4.5 Years T 6 years Bomb Oct. '08; "ILYBIANILWY", "You don't fit into my life", "Our marriage had to have been a mistake because it is not working".
I called my wife last night. Terrible idea. I broke down and called her and proceeded to tell her that it upset me that she was giving up on our marriage. I said a lot of things with intentions of opening her eyes somehow. I know these were failed attempts. I don't know what came over me. I have not seen her in a month, maybe that just got the best of me. I have fought it for a while and I guess I couldn't take it anymore. I guess I was just venting everything I was feeling to her. So stupid on my part. Has anyone else made this mistake? I feel like I am walking backwards here. This is a nightmare.
M 27 W 26 M 4.5 Years T 6 years Bomb Oct. '08; "ILYBIANILWY", "You don't fit into my life", "Our marriage had to have been a mistake because it is not working".
