Hi Dudess, That's so much stopping by...cycling a bit through different emotions today - and I think some of those thoughts of change left me thinking a bit too much about how nice it would be to work things out with my W - how lovely it would be to share time with by boys together more often - to have her company - it's almost like the calm in me is just letting me be removed enough from the anger to remember more of the happiness we shared - and it makes me miss it so very much...at times today it almost felt like my heart was breaking again...
Maybe it is just that she's starting to notice that I'm not taking on her anger or aggression anymore. Her anger has provoked me for so many years...hm...I was just talking about that with my S11 yesterday - actually, it was something he brought up - telling me that he likes being home without my W because of how often she would be angry with me and than blame me for being angry (I never knew he noticed that - it's not something I had ever talked about with him). His example was when we would go on trips - or to an amusement park - and I would get in the car and be excited and playful - and then she would start criticizing me - telling me to calm down and to relax...and I just never understood it (fun-sucker).
It's just so strange to remember how much fun she could be at times - how playful and full of life...I used to think that I had somehow ruined that in her...but now I look back and see that she was happy when it was on her terms.
