I know the up and down feeling, it's normal to feel this way- to doubt and wonder if there was some better way to act or feel, etc. The truth is - no - those kinds of thoughts are an illusion. It's ok to let it out and that's what we're here for. You've done WAY more than you ever could be expected to do for him already and it's not producing results, right? (The cheeseless tunnel) In DB, Michele talks about how it feels very unintuitive/unsupportive to pull away but it is actually the best thing you can do to help your situation if there is a chance for it. Maybe this is a good time to re-read DB/DR to give yourself some perspective that you're really doing all you can for your sitch. Remember, walking away is not "giving up"- it is giving the sitch a last chance if there is possibility for it.
"...it keeps ringing in my head that he wasn't saying that was what he wanted to do NOW, but if he HAD to decide NOW...UGH UGH UGH."
Life is constantly changing. There really is no forever permanent decision on anything in our lives. The door is never closed until you want it to be- so don't be scared of this as a final death sentence or something. Even people who go through with the D sometimes get back together. Right now he chooses against the M and right now, you're done playing the game too. That's all it is. This isn't a forever ending, unless you want it to be. Remember, you are in control here - you're in control of your feelings and your decisions. I hope my outside perspective helps!
DBer since 2003 D - 3/24/09 GAL and DBing for myself
