STEPPING out...

[cagzmom]

yes i do miss IMP where did he go?

Jeez' your post just was like reading my thoughts. You are so right on about where I am trying to go in all of this. Just letting go of EXPECTATIONS and control. I hope it sticks - as you know it is a constant battle.

For me the less contact I have with him right now the better. You know he is not even close to hitting the place where he can face ANYTHING...he is still running from himself - his family- all that mattered in this search for what he calls "Self".

To be honest - my concern for my x has shifted. Oh yes I want for him to change - "see the light" whatever..but my focus is shifting to that which I can DO somthing about and that is first and foremost MYSELF and also my little wonderful family that i have here.

My son is struggling with stuff. Big boy stuff. He is soon to be 20 and if you look in his wonderful eyes you can see a lost little boy unsure of where life is to take him. You see a future husband/father who wants to make good choices in life and do what is the best - yet he doesn't even know what that is for him. He is struggling - and he is "within my circle" he and I can communicate/pray and be together and walk through this.

My daughter is soon to be a teenager. She needs guidance and direction. She is too within my "circle" she is willing and open to working through life not running from it.. (As with my son). So rather than working on someone who doesn't want help/love or affection from me I will give to those WHO DESERVE IT AND NEED IT!!

And there is me....coming alive again. Coming out of a place where I was "x's wife" to becoming complete again. I dont think I ever go there. Trying to learn to be honest but not bully - trying to know when to talk and when to be quiet. Learning to grow and not stay stagnate.

Goals? Oh jeez that is so funny Pam. I have no goals.. Truthfully my goal is to have a goal!! I had just talked with C about this the other day.... and it is a good place to be because it is NEW and FRESH. Trying to figure out what I really want for ME. And it is a wierd place to be.

One goal is to run a half marathon this year..maybe a full... but I dont know if my heart is there yet. THEREFORE right now it is just an idea.! HA!! I did the Chicago Marathon in 2004...so i know I can...just dont know if i have it in me again-- the training is (for me) brutal.

thansk for popping on. it is going to be fun to see what happens to you in this new year..

Julie

[TRUSTING]

Cagz,

That is wonderful what you wrote. You have grown so much, I don't know if you see how fantastic you have become. You are on the right track, continue on my friend.

Let them be, flounder, fumble and then fail.

We can only be there for them if they want us.

No pushing.

No pursuing.

Just praying.

Trusting

[CMNM]

Julie!

Hmm. For some reason I find it very significant that you posted your actual name! I think that there is a reason for that, and I can only think it is GOOD.

I am so happy that your priorities have shifted. I know that I need to work on the same. I was answering questions the other night from "The conversation book" with a small group of people and one of the questions was:
"What single thing occupies most of your thoughts?"

Well, my honest answer was "XH."

Right away someone piped up with, "Not your kids?"

Yikes. That put me right back to the old drawing board. What the heck am I doing here? I sure don't practice what I preach!!! So, Julie, together we will work on letting the more important things occupy space in our brains!

I just got back from taking a long drive to clear my head. While I was driving it hit me that I just finished the degree for which I went back to school. Honestly, it kind of hit me and made me pause. Why didn't I celebrate that? I was driving in the direction of the college and I started to think of all the late nights driving home, crying because I felt so alone- the snowy trips, the all-nighters working on projects, etc., and I decided that it was quite an accomplishment. Up until today I was feeling rather embarrassed about it. I hated being a 42 year old woman still working on what she wanted to be when she grew up. But, hey, I am taking some steps towards it, and for that I will reward myself.

It is these things that we need to recognize in ourselves and celebrate, Julie!

As for the kids, yeah, I hear ya on that one. My oldest son broke down crying not too long ago--- his main concern was ME and my happiness. He told me that it was evident that I am not happy, and that he and his brothers would like to see me doing more for me and less for everyone else. How funny is that? I mean, I thought that I was doing right by putting them first- kind of over-compensating for the absense of their dad. I didn't know that they have been watching me, deciding whether things could be alright or not based on where I am in all of this.

So, I will continue to work on being happy. We all know that it is in our control- and like love, it is a choice. I hate to think that I have been choosing unhappiness all of this time, but, I guess that I have. Funny thing is, that despite all of this DBing, I didn't truly think about how important attitude is in all of this.

Last week I watched my XH half-heartedly participate in a game. You could tell that he just wasn't "there." And, when he did talk, it was about the usual- his aches, his pains, whether or not he will catch the illess my son had. Ugh. By the end of the night I just wanted to be away from him and his sad demeanor. I was screaming over and over in my head, "GET HELP, XH!" For the first time I didn't allow myself to go the pity route for him. I just got fed up of him wallowing around all of the time, and I truly just wanted him to go away. Then BAM, it hit me--- how many people are thinking that about ME?

So, beside the triathalon, I guess goal #2 is to choose happiness! We don't have to make this harder than it is. We are both blessed with fabulous children.... if that isn't something to be ecstatic about, well, what is?

And there is me....coming alive again. Coming out of a place where I was "x's wife" to becoming complete again. I dont think I ever go there. Trying to learn to be honest but not bully - trying to know when to talk and when to be quiet. Learning to grow and not stay stagnate.

I like this. Just don't try too hard to become something other than what you are. Do we all need to change little things here and there? Sure. But don't overdo this one, Julie. Don't base your changes on what has happened with your XH. What I mean is, you have to be comfortable with who you are. And, learn to accept that maybe some of the core things about you may be the things that make it unrealistic to be with your XH. I know that the more I try to mold myself into what mine wants, the unhappier I am. I will be honest here, I try to convince myself that the changes "need" to be made, for my sake, not his. Well, I don't think that is really all that true. For example, I am a very talkative person--- I will talk to anyone (much to the embarrassment of my children at times), and my XH, well, he could go days without talking. For a time there, I tried to smother my need to talk. Guess what? It didn't make me happy!!! So, I continue to work on being o.k. with who I am, even if it doesn't fit into XH's little world.

A couple of weeks ago we were playing a game over IM- it was called "Doable or not?" (Get your mind out of the gutter, it was not a sex game! ) Let me preface this by saying that he had just made the statement that we cannot continue the way we are going- that 1 of 2 things need to happen: reconciliation or getting out of each other's lives completely. He said that right now neither seem attactive to him. So, I suggested that we put it all out there honestly with statements of what we want/need, and the other person had to be just as honest and say if it was "doable" or not. For example, my first one was "total honesty and full disclosure," to which he said, "doable."

Unfortunately, his first one was something like this:
Can you learn to not express every single emotion? Can you not have to talk about every little thing that is bothering you?

My answer wasn't as easy as "doable" or "not doable." I found myself over-explaining the times I could do this and absolutely couldn't. It is who I am, Julie! And, I am a little resentful that he wants me to express the good (you're so great! Your arms look amazing [he knows I like them muscular], etc., but I can't express the not-so-goods (Uh, you totally forgot my graduation...") So, this one requires a lot more thought on my part whether or not I can be the person he needs. No, I don't need to express every little thing, but I do want to feel safe in doing so when I need to. And, I don't want someone else deciding what emotions I am "allowed" to express.

See? The old DBer ("obeyer") would have immediately said "Doable!" But, is this who I am comfortable being?

Funny sidenote, as I was IMing my X, I was also chatting with Betsey. I explained the game to her, and she quickly typed back, "If you say you can't do something does it mean you lose and game over?" Well, I laughed at that when she typed it, but there is a lot to that question. Should I be trying so hard on a relationship that is kind of like a house of cards? One wrong move.....

Well, Julie, don't know if you will get anything out of all of that rambling! But, it felt good to put it out there, so thanks for listening!

I hope you keep your thread going. I like your honesty.

Hugs,
Pam

[cagzmom]

Trusting - you know I watch you too..you are growing and moving forward. I am so glad that the holidays are "over" and we have made it through another round.

thanks for the kudos. they mean alot coming from you.

[cagzmom]

Trusting - you know I watch you too..you are growing and moving forward. I am so glad that the holidays are "over" and we have made it through another round.

thanks for the kudos. they mean alot coming from you.

[cagzmom]

Hmm. For some reason I find it very significant that you posted your actual name! I think that there is a reason for that, and I can only think it is GOOD.

Funny you noticed Pam. I even did a double take after I typed my name. I think for me it is coming out of the closet. I know it is silly. I even joined facebook recently and have been reconecting with old (AND I MEAN OLD HA) friends. In that I have had to face the divorce- the loss of dreams and hopes. All that goes with being divorced. I have had to figure out what to "say" without bashing x (because there is much bashing that could happen!!)

I am so happy that your priorities have shifted. I know that I need to work on the same. I was answering questions the other night from "The conversation book" with a small group of people and one of the questions was:
"What single thing occupies most of your thoughts?"

Well, my honest answer was "XH."

Old habits die hard dont they? And in your life he is always "in"...but I see a shift. Maybe just maybe my friend this year will be about YOU?? hmmm just a thought

I just got back from taking a long drive to clear my head. While I was driving it hit me that I just finished the degree for which I went back to school.

OKAY WAIT ONE MINUTE - STOP THE PRESSES RUN THE NEWSMAN OUT. CHANNEL 10 LETS BROADCAST THIS ONE!! GIRL I almost wanted to go start a thread - actually I think I am going to.. CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU!! I MEAN IT!!YOU DID THIS? ON YOUR OWN?? YOU YOU YOU!! PROPS FOR YOU!! WOOOHOO!! Girl if I was there we would have gone out - had a glass of wine or fourteen tee hee and celebrated!! CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Last week I watched my XH half-heartedly participate in a game. You could tell that he just wasn't "there."

\

Oh my gosh I so hear you on this!! Not that my x and I are far enough in this to be hangin' and playing games...but just his "Woe is me..or his sentences of how he looks bad or this or that.." I don't engage it anymore. I dont. It is to hard for me as I am sincere and it hasn't done any good so far.... For you and me to rescue was natural. BUT for them to heal they need to get movin' on thier own. You know this - just thought I'd remind you. tee hee.

So, beside the triathalon, I guess goal #2 is to choose happiness! We don't have to make this harder than it is. We are both blessed with fabulous children.... if that isn't something to be ecstatic about, well, what is?

Ahhhh yes ahhh yes.

And there is me....coming alive again. Coming out of a place where I was "x's wife" to becoming complete again. I dont think I ever go there. Trying to learn to be honest but not bully - trying to know when to talk and when to be quiet. Learning to grow and not stay stagnate.

I like this. Just don't try too hard to become something other than what you are.

I dont think I expressed this well.. but I TOTALLY agree. What I really meant was this. I too am a talker. I too will talk to just about anyone. My x would "poo poo" me often. You knwo "Cagzmom your beign too loud. Cagzmom dont do that.." stuff like that...but now? I am who I am. Yes there are times to be quiet..to respect others and their places etc. BUT there is also life and energy in me...and it wants to be alive again!!!

Even this past weekend, my parents were here. They said that they didn't think I realized how much of myself I had lost in my marriage.... I see it. Just not dwelling on it. AND again...Julie is waking up. NOW she just has to figure out "what to do with her day..." HA!!

[quote] Should I be trying so hard on a relationship that is kind of like a house of cards? One wrong move.....

Do you remember getting married? Oh I do...and I remember the advice before it - and through it. DONT GO INTO A MARRIAGE THINKING YOU CAN CHANGE SOMEONE. AND THAT is the truth. We are who we are. Yes we modify, change parts that are hurtful...learn to do things taht are kind..etc. BUT well I guess you know what i mean (or I hoep you do) KNOWONE in a relationship has the right to hold ALL the cards..not you and not them.

Thanks Pam....i look forward to seeing where we end up in this next year.

[CMNM]

Cagz,

I appreciate the thought, heck, I would hug you if I could (and the wine sounds divine too!), but a thread? I'd have to hunt ya down and kill ya!

That would be much like the time Meredith once posted my name along with my H's... It was like being "outed!"

You are so sweet. Really, thank you. I think that the lack of response around here to the whole thing has made me slow to realize how hard it really was at times.

Lots more to tell you, but am getting stuff ready for work tomorrow.

You rock!

Pam

[cagzmom]

Pam - where do you live?

[CMNM]

Midwest. I am weird about giving out info. Have a relative in your state... will prob go visit in the spring. I think it is about a 15 hour drive or so.... : )

I will have to set up an email account that I will get to you. Once, when I was naive, I posted my real one on here. UGH! It came up as a google search and led people right here. It took a lot of scrambling to get that taken care of!

Anyway, off to bed. Big day at work in the morning. I wish I did't have to go. My oldest 2 sons are here for the night. We are trying to coordinate lunch together, but I doubt that I can swing it.

'night!

[cagzmom]

holy cow! Seriouslly!!??

ok ok lets see where i used to live was approximately that far from here. hmmm understand the hesitation to let stuff out.

just to let u know - born and raised midwesterner here..