WAW - Possible MLC I need help, WAWs advice IV

[25yearsmlc]

LD,

I relate a lot to the efforts at comprehending the incomprehensible from our mates. On one hand, there's the type of trying to understand, that just sucks, is unhealthy for us and our family, and is useless, harmful obsessing. We've all been there and it sucks out our life's energy, etc. OTOH, we also want to figure out whatever we can about the sitch and how we got to this place, for good reasons. We at least want to control whatever we can, which is just us, to reduce the risk of this happening again. Never any guarantees of not being hurt again, by anyone, etc.

But yes, I understand the need to understand. The catch 22 is to Try to accept that you will possibly never understand all of it. I still have a part of me wondering wth H was thinking and how he could shut out his family the way he did for so long and so weirdly. But this vacation, when it was good--mostly--the kids were putting their legs on him to get their legs scratched and they were all draped over each other watching a movie and I thought, "how could you ever not want this?" And h looked...nourished, emotionally. So, as he goes back east to be with his mom and work, he'll have that to recall and think of. Not me whining or scrutinizing him about the craziness of those times. Guess I have to accept the whole alien theory b/c it's the only thing that keeps me from wanting to cross examine about his thought process. In retrospect, it was like a thought disorder frankly.

Remember my beautiful sister who got divorced 13 years and a 2nd marriage ago? She is still missing the point. Post divorce, for years, She'd do all the negative obessessing, and snooping and make herself miserable, but never looked within, to see what she could do to lessen the chance of another heartbreak...the very things she could have control over, the only things, she ignored. When she starts dating again, I think she'll pick up where she left off as a teenager...repeat the same damn mistakes and yet expect different results. I think that's the definition of insanity. The times she'd go to c, it was for her to feel better or get the step kids to help more in the house (2nd M issues) but never for her own improvement or insights. Know what I mean?

So I do have hopes for you. Not all of them mean that your w will come back to you. Sometimes I get the feeling she doesn't know how and you'd have to somehow demonstrate it way way way down the road, long after OM disappears, which he'll do, unless she feels cornered. When the WAS faces too much condemnation, it seems they are more likely to stay with OP just to make their point or defend themselves. When they're cornered, the only person who will be with them, in their minds at least, is OP. I know you don't participate in the bash the OP game, and that's really good. But until she sees the contrasts, and regrets the choices she made, and believes there is a chance she could possibly try to un-do or work forward... you can only watch from the curb as the parade goes by. Sit down and have a martini, (alcohol free if need be) b/c the floats are bigger and weirder this year...

One time a nice guy (LBSer) told his ex when she wanted to return was, "No, you cannot come back. B/c you won't put up with the conditions (his word was s---) I'd need from you to trust you again, so what's the point?" I did understand his feelings....but not sure of his goal... They divorced and she married OM...

I don't know for sure if what he did was right for him, or her, as she had cheated before. But then I noticed that the things she told him she needed in their marriage that contributed to her A's in the first place, (for example, her love language was verbal affirmations and he just didn't say things like "ILY" very often...was stingy with compliments too and I know that for a fact...) were still issues for him in later R's....he didn't change himself at all, as far as I could tell. He later dated a woman a whole year and she ended it b/c she "wanted more from him" and it was the same thing his ex w had wanted. I questioned him a little. He said he'd never told his new gf he loved her (dating someone a year without feeling love, or saying it???) and so she broke up. He seemed puzzled or like she was asking for way too much. Geez, what's it cost to say ILY, if you feel it? It was as if he felt the gf wanted something he couldn't give. So I thought, good luck there pal. I liked the guy, but just shook my head sometimes.

There are books like "After the Affair" about how you can re-build a m, post A. It can happen. Also if you haven't already, read the "Five Love Languages" so that whomever you meet, you will give and receive love in the language that's best for each one. I know it was helpful to me to read and Still is.

But My other general hopes and beliefs re: your sitch is simply that you're a better man for this. Bet You'll be a very good h down the road. Hopefully it'll be with her, but if not, you're closer to Him, and a better catch for the lucky one you meet.

Yes, yes, I also agree that there are times that the whole "others have it worse" thoughts are only so helpful, b/c sometimes I'd pray out loud to God and say, "I KNOW there are starving people in the world...but right now, I am in a PAIN I've never known before and could use a little something thrown my way..." I usually got relief, or came here to get it, but sometimes I'd just embarrass myself again, inwardly and say, "25, wth are you saying? That you deserve zero pain in life? And by the way, the kids are watching you more than you know..."
Meaning, you gotta show up and be a man, for them, on those days when you don't feel up to it for yourself...been there, done that, (except for the part about being a man as I'm a woman. But being a mother is a really important part of my life-the most-and sometimes it was just for the kids, that I lifted myself up again. So what? Who cares what triggers our recovery and improvements? I say, whatever works...)

I'm a better woman/w than I was before. I know that. Much more patient and less need to be "right" but I still have to fight that.
Even with important historic events in our marriages, we just don't have the same "tape" or film as our spouses. Some parts of it will never be recalled the same way. Or given the same meaning or significance. All that will matter then, is forgiveness and having a similar view about the future. And don't forget those two relatives I have that divorced and remarried. I mean, it does happen.

Anyhow, carry on LD, with your head held high. For the record, OM in the driveway is just tacky. Not evil, but clueless on your wife's part. Totally an alien right now. Until the alien planet releases her, just remember to ignore alien spew and revisions of the m. Did you read the 2nd DB book ("Remedy"?) I found it very helpful...and if you can, just get a session with a db coach. Set of 3 is cheaper than 3 sessions with a T in my area, and many t's are not as pro-marriage as the DB's coaches...
(( j ))