Just thought I'd drop a line to update and say Hi. Things are pretty quiet here. Friday night my SIL and nephew came to visit. Played with him, and visited with her and went to bed early. Did sit and paint awhile before they got here.
I was out of corn for my corn burner (how I heat the basement). Have been for a month. H has said many times that he would get me more and hasn't. Either the weather has interfeered or the price has went up or he just didn't. I don't have a truck to pull the wagon to town so I couldn't do it myself. I haven't pushed the issue till now. Yesterday am I called to see if he'd go get me a load. I just said. "If you want I will have someone else do it,(last year I did that he got all bent out of shape at me and that person) just let me know". He said he would go. So he did, sat a bit chatting then left.
I have done as you all say. I am not calling him for any reason other than business. I have asked no questions, no R talk, nothing. He is being pretty scarce.
Planning on doing some painting today. Clean my house and get ready to go back to work tomorrow. All in all an ok weekend.
Little bad DB last night but still a little of "doing things my way" left in me I guess... I woke up at 2 am for no apparent reason. Tossed and turned a few minutes. I then got up and went to the bathroom. I went out and looked out the back door. I seen a vehicle coming down the highway. I watched. Then I saw what I think was H's pickup heading for town from OW's. My old reaction would have been to call him right away. I didn't. What would it do anyway? He would deny, it might not have been him, etc.. Another argument, no thanks. But it bothered me terribly. Was it him? So...(I know, I know) I sent him a TM about 20 min later. "Did you have a good night? God I hate you..."
My reasoning...if it was him I want him to know I know. I don't want to play this game anymore. If he is going to see her, stop hiding it and lying about it. Grow up. Get on with it.
About 20 min later he sent back "why, come see me, call". I didn't respond. I thought...R U f*c*ing kidding me?!? IF that was NOT him on the highway I am surprised he was still awake. IF it WAS him, he was coming from OW's and now asking me to come to his place! So I still don't know if it was him. But I spoke my peace and I am okay with it. His response really means nothing to me. If he asks me tomorrow about it I will be honest and tell him why. If he doesn't mention it, I won't either. I don't have anything to talk to him about or tell him so don't plan on talking to him at all for the next week.
Courage and strength and rising above...
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
TOH, You are slowly getting the hang of detaching and doing for yourself. I'm glad he got the corn for you and then had a good conversation.
Now, you will need to work on the TMs in the middle of the night. I know you want him to know that you know what he's doing, but you've got to stop all of this. What good does it do the situation? Nothing. Learn to accept that you cannot control him or his actions and that you must keep the focus on you and your family and yes, your crafts.
Do not mention the TM if he comes around. Follow his lead and please, please try not to take his bait and go down the ugly path of negativity. Count to ten and leave the room if the conversation is going sour.
I know you can do this. Start the new year out fresh w/a different outlook on how to communicate w/him.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE listen to others even tho you dont want to listen to me....EVERY, I mean EVERY time you do this, 2 things take place
1 YOU prolong the crisis
2 YOU give him the ammnunition to say...yeppers thats why I left you
you can bet your corn OW is the calming place he runs to. No griping , no sarcasm, no vindictive remarks.
Get real TOH, be the OW...the place where there is no demands. But please if he is sexually active with her draw the boundary there.I know the OW thing hurts and drives you crazy, but he along w/99.9% of them are gonna have them, whether they are married or not. Pushing that fact will force him to D.
Last edited by a new 2moro; 01/04/0902:53 PM.
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
Your all right, and it stopped the minute I sent the TM. Nothing more will be said. I promise! I felt I HAD to send it. Sorry but sometimes that's me. If he brings it up, as I said I will be honest and tell him why, no discussion, no questions, that's it.
an2m maybe your right about OW. I really don't know why he goes to her. It doesn't matter. But some consulation to me is that the ONLY time he is with her is when he is slobbering drunk. She can have him. At least my time spent with him is sober.
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
TOH youre right....you had the best of him....she gets the MLC sloppy a$$ed seconds if you you let her. But when you interact with him, sleep with him they are yours! be the best. even when hes sober dont be sexually active...he doesnt go over there to play cards.
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
Little bad DB last night but still a little of "doing things my way" left in me I guess...
Unfortunately I think there is a lot more of that left.
If you HAVE to send a txt then make it funny or something! Stop acting like a 2nd grader and telling the man you hate him. Say 'hey I was up for my 2am exercise class and thought I saw you coming too!'
Glad you got corn for your stove. Don't you keep any from the harvest?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
IMO, the worst part of this is the limbo we find ourselves in.
And it seems that we always let our WAS put us in that 'limboland'. We never feel that we have enough control of our own lives, because we're living everyday waiting to see what our spouse is going to do, and afraid of how it will affect our relationship, our own lives, our financial security, our kids, etc.
One thing I did learn is that when I started to take back a healthy amount of control of my own life, the hurting decreased substantially. I still think my xh life is somewhat in limbo, but I've figured out that my own doesn't have to be. When I figured out that I could respect myself and what I could accomplish on my own, and not rely on xhs opinion, it was very, very freeing.
Don't get me wrong. I still wish that xh knew the person I've become in contrast to who I was before all this started. But even if he never cares to know the person I am now, I'm still proud of what I've become..what I've learned...what I've been able to accomplish. I've got a ways to go before I'll ever feel cocky enough to brag...but I do feel really good that I no longer feel like I'm in limbo..that I'm living day to day wondering what his decisions/actions/words would be.
TOH, you need to find this same place. You need to leave this atmosphere of 'limbo', you find yourself in. Only when you do find this, will the actions and words of your H not affect you the way they do. You may still feel hurt, you may still feel anger...but you will be in control of those feelings. You will be able to control them, instead of them controlling you.
Only you can decide if you want to continue living in limbo because of your Hs MLC. I'm afraid if you do, you will always remain second-guessing his every word and action. You don't have to live that way.
I realize that there are alot of things at stake. The family, the farm, etc. I promise, that will all work out in time..regardless of what decisions are made. You will survive, whether your marriage remains intact or not.
You will always love your H, you will always cherish the life you had before all of this started. And someday soon you will realize that this has made you stronger and more independent..even though you felt like fighting it every step of the way.
Reach out to those around you. Leave the fold of the 'comfortable', and do things that you normally wouldn't have done before....and stop doing those things that you've always done that haven't 'worked' through all of this.
Grow TOH. Even more than you have. Grow. Let go. Leave the 'limboland' you've been in so long. You can still stand for your marriage, love your husband, and pray for your marriage and family and LEAVE the limbo behind.
Realize that you have the strength, desire and the tools needed to do this. Reach inside of yourself and ask yourself if you've had enough of your H controlling your mind and emotions. If you have, that's the first step. Once you make the decision to live your life for yourself, regardless if H shares it with you, you will find a whole new life and new experiences.
I'm not kidding you. None of this comes easy. But as the old saying goes..'the first step is the hardest'.
Step out of your old ways, step up to a new way of living and thinking, and your H just may wonder who the heck you are, and did he ever really know you! LOL And you will be happier whether he wants to get to know the 'new' you or not. When our spouses leave the marriage, there is a void that is indescribable..they take a part of us with them, and it never feels like that void will be filled again. It feels like we'll never be 'whole' again.
As others may have pointed out, let God help fill that void so you can start to live life again. You never know what He has planned for you..or when or how He'll help mend that void. Just have faith that all things happen for a reason, whether we understand it or not. That belief can make a world of difference in how you look at life.
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
Creed gave you some good advice--now put it into action.
ANew2moro--...playing cards.......
now that is funny, i always knew you had a sense of humor.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
I still think my xh life is somewhat in limbo, but I've figured out that my own doesn't have to be. When I figured out that I could respect myself and what I could accomplish on my own, and not rely on xhs opinion, it was very, very freeing.
Wow. Yes, this is where my xH and I are.
You can get there too TOH, without getting divorced.
Quote:
The family, the farm, etc. I promise, that will all work out in time..regardless of what decisions are made. You will survive, whether your marriage remains intact or not.
This is true too. And remember any 'decision' your H makes without you (money, house, farm, etc) isn't permanent. Anything can be 'undone'. And you WILL survive no matter what!
