Cinders, You don't know for sure whether your h suffered from depression. Men experience depression differently from women. Also, you do not have any idea what he is like when he's not w/you.
Acting out, running from responsibilities, etc., work driven, the ow, all could be part of his depression. Don't forget, they wear masks around those they want to fool.
Each person deals w/depression differently.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
That's very true...I guess sometimes we just don't know and certainly can't see !
So, I spent a wonderful day at home today ! Just lazying around watching tv and doing the laundry. Kids are at H's till tomorrow and I haven't had much rest these holidays, so it felt good !
I am having a 'tense' period with my father...he seems annoyed much at my mother, and he has stopped working this last year, which puts them together quite often. Now I often hear him say nasty things about how H is out and about with the ow (my dad is the type of person who keeps everything bottled up - deep inside) and he seems ademant (sp) that I do not find another man. He says it will only complicate things and that most men are scum anyway...
I think he's afraid of me and him being hurt again. He used to be very very good pal's with H and now of course H isn't his pal anymore. I feel bad for my dad, but I do want love in my life again, one day. Whether that will be H (if by some miracle he changes...) or someone else.
My mother talks about H ALL the time, sometimes she still expects me to know all about his comings and goings and I have to remind her that I no longer know what H is up to daily or hourly. It's tough, and to be honest it's been getting tougher the more I am letting go.
Anyone with the same experience ?
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
Hi Cinders, Happy New Year, and may all your wishes come true this year!!!
I am sorry about your father being not so nice to your mother. I hope they can work out their differences. And of course, you will have love in your life again.
Cinders I can't offer any first hand experiences BUT about your father and mother. If they have recently retired they will be spending time together that they have not experienced before. A bit like when you first move in with someone/get married it takes a lot of adjusting too. I'm sure all will come good in the end.
My father is also very bitter about my H but for different reasons. His own father left when he was 3 and he never saw him again. So he knows what it is like to grow up without a father (although being the 3rd youngest of 18 children he certainly had older brothers in his life). He is hurting for my children b/c he knows what it feels like. They have been more fortunate than him in a way b/c the youngest was 10 when H left and they still see him (S16 lives with him) but the flip side of that is that the hurt my dad feels is not necessarily from direct memories of his father b/c he was so young but b/c he didn't have what other children had when he was growing up. My grandmother more than made up for the absent father and all of her children respected her enormously (my dad even had to obey her wishes to pick up his youngest sister from dances even after he was married and did so willingly). Maybe it's time we started DBing our fathers as well as our Hs and kids b/c we forget that they too need that support.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
Boy I missed them, 3 nights is a looooooooooong time sometimes !
D9 told me that they nearly crashed the car because H was busy tickling ow whilst driving, and that they were teasing each other all the time.... yuk !
It just goes to show the immaturity level he's at right now. Not that I don't like having fun, but well...you know what I mean !
xxxx
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
Cinders, I'm sure you are very happy to have them back home safe and sound. The house gets too quiet when they are gone.
Well...just goes to show you....he's not grown up yet.
Enjoy your time w/your children. I'm sure they have a lot to tell you about the last three days!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I can relate to what you are saying. My ex was in the peak of his MLC when my mother started declining with cancer. He had always been her rock during this time and then poof - he was gone.
She missed him and loved him even more than some of her own sons.
It was painful to watch.
On her death bed she talked about him. He does not know this of course.
My father also missed him during this time because he was a great support.
My father also has some deep resentment for what he put my mother through at the end.
I think our parents battle also between the "good" and "bad" H's.
It is harder for them to forget what wonderful people they were.
They also did not experience the first hand bs that we did.
My father does not want me to date or see anyone else.
He does not want to experience that loss again.
He wants to be my hero now.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Snodderly, thanks, yes I sat on the couch watching Santa Clause 2 with the girls on either side of me, holding me and my son on my lap, I felt in heaven !!!!! I love that they still cuddle that much with me. I hope it never stops !
Trusting, I am so sorry about your mom...it is just insane how a person can just change - just like that, at the blink of an eye.
I have been reading up on Narcism and narcistic behaviour, it's scary but I see a LOT of it in my H. They create an alternate personality when they go through what they feel is a crisis in their life, and shove away the TRUE ego. (the H's we knew...) Anyway, the push that ego so far away that they start believing that they truly are this new person and they will even do 'good' or make themselves the hero or good guy to keep feeding the new ego. They cannot do this for long, therefore they keep on finding ways to feed that ego until maybe one day the awaykening takes place...this usually happens when another crisis occurs. The thing is....many of them don't even wake up at that stage...and it makes me feel so sad to think this is what has happened to my H. This would explain the thrill seeking and the change of scenery...
Oh well, I keep reading what you posted on your Thread Trusting, and it gives me hope and courage to keep on going !! Thank you !
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
Anyway, the push that ego so far away that they start believing that they truly are this new person and they will even do 'good' or make themselves the hero or good guy to keep feeding the new ego.
Wow. Yes. Amazingly accurate.
Your H sounds like mine, having 'fun' in the immature way. Its almost painful to watch, I actually feel sorry for xH in some ways. Make sense?
yuk !