Back on the rocks

[heatherg]

It's been quite a while since I've been here....lots has transpired, all good. The last few months in particular, we have been happier than we have been in years.

The problem is that I was using his computer the other day to sign up for my iphone and I needed to go back to my alltel website and rather than re-type it, I used his google drop down so I could get back. But he forgot to erase his history. See, my H likes to look at pictures of other women. Naked. He particularly seems to like celebrities, etc. It's been a problem in our R before, he knows how I feel about it. It's like he's a stalker or something, it creeps me out. I am open to using porn together, we used to before I realized he was into other things as well, without me. At that point, I sort of put a taboo on everything because my lack of trust in him sort of made me shut down on the issue.
I've also caught him MB to a video called 18 & Ready to Fu@k. That of course was disbturbing to me on so many levels. First, 18? My daughter is 6 and I feel like I will always be uncomfortable with him around young, attractive women. Like he's always got other things on his mind when he looks at them, ya know? Another reason I found this disturbing was that I was in the other room asleep. H always stays up later than I do, he drinks quite a bit as well. I find it hard to go to sleep at times wondering what he's doing in the other room while I'm asleep. He immediately stopped what he was doing, I went to the DVD player, took out the DVD and broke it in half. I told him to never bring that crap into my home again.
The trust in my R has been broken and the worst part is that H gives it no credibility. He says I'm being ridiculous, it has nothing to do with me, it doesn't mean he doesn't want to be with me or that he doesn't find me attractive.
Things in my house have gone back to the way we've spent so many years...tense and ignoring one another. Each of us doing things with the kids around the house, but not acknowledging one another. I can't go back to living like this, I just can't. He uses this time to pore himself into the kids and I usually just feel left out.
We haven't had much discussion about what I found. He could just tell instantly that something was wrong and I told him he forgot to erase his history and I asked him what was the matter with him? I have been cold to him ever since. That was New Year's eve.
We've been down this road before and he's basically told me before he's not going to stop because all guys do it and it's me that has the problem for being so obsessed with it.
With things getting so much better between us, I guess I knew in my heart that he was probably still doint SOMEthing, but that doesn't bother me really. The occassional porn viewing doesn't really bother me. But looking up specific women, trying to find pictures of them nude does bother me. I feel like I can't even watch a movie with an attractive woman in it without him making a mental note to 'look her up' later.
Since we've down this road other times before, I feel like it's just more of the same. And I also feel like it's difficult to hold him accountable when he's pretty much flat out told me that it's not something he intends to stop. My inability to draw a line in the sand has come back to haunt me. And I still don't know how to draw a line in the sand. Do I ruin our family over H looking for naked pictures of Christina Aguilera on the internet? I'm really upset to be back at this point...I truly thought my days of thinking about leaving were over. I thought we were beyond that point. I'm crushed.