Okay...a little update...I was going to post an update yesterday, but...as I began, things changed...a turn for the worse, and I had to have time to deal with what happened before writing.
Anyway, so, I called her and asked if I could come get the kids. She said yeah...I threw it out there that if she wanted to go to, she could. She declined, stated that she had a couple of errands to run that would be easier without the kids. I was just like, "ok, that's fine". I went down to her house...picked up the kids....brought a couple of things that she had wanted...not long term stuff, some toys for the kids and stuff. So, I unloaded the car, and picked up the kids. We went to the park. I would say we had a great time, but it was actually difficult for me...being with the kids, it felt like my heart was breaking all over again. But, the kids had a GREAT time...we went to the park.
Took the kids back...had a brief conversation with her...just general updates and things like that. There were probably a few things that I said that I prob shouldn't have...the convo just steered that way. I asked her if I could pray with her, she said no, that she wasn't confortable with that, but I told her that was okay, I understand. No one here answered the question that I had asked, so I just did what I thought best...I told her that I wanted her to know that I loved her and that I was committed to the M. She just nodded. She took my hand as I started to leave...just the fingertips with hers...and then squeezed them for a min, while making eye contact with me. So, I actually felt pretty good about that...she sent me a text that night which she NEVER does...granted it was about a weekend towards the end of the month (my next weekend off), askin if she could give the kids to me that time...she also asked about the next weekend that I have off. I txt her back that I wasn't sure and why...she txt back that she would like to be able to integrate it in the kids education (she homeschools) and it would give them a pattern/sked on seeing me and give them that to look forward to. I was unable to contact her back, so didn't txt back, I just decided to call her in the morning. Well, she actually called me (she NEVER does), it was about the kids again. I told her that I needed to make a call before I could committ in regards to something else I had committed to that weekend. So, I called her an hour later and told her okay on the boys. Then, things went south...
She hadn't every mention lawyer talk until the beginning of all of this, so I thuoght that was a good thing. Anyway, she said that she had been looking for an atty that would work with both of us since she wanted to do the whole thing nicely...she said she found a woman that she liked, but was only willing to work with her, and wanted to give me to opportunity to get my own atty if I felt necessary. After I removed the knife from my heart, I asked her what was wrong with leaving the sitch as it was for now. She told me that she felt it was giving me the wrong idea (yup, can't help but wonder if I said too much the day before, but it seems she was actively searching for atty though), and leaving it as it was might make me think she was open to reconciliation. Somehow, the convo turned religious... don't remember who did that. She felt that she had recieved God's blessing to go..I ended up telling her that God was speaking other things to me...opposite of that (I know, I challenged her...but the problem was that it seemed using God as justification was so not right). She said a couple of comments that cut me pretty deep...she said that it would take YEARS before she'd ever be able to trust me. She also said that she knows that she is not in love with me at all anymore because the thought of seeing me with another woman didn't even phase her. The conversation never became angry...I didn't lose my cool, and stayed pleasant, at least.
One of the main concerns is this...she didn't want to give me the wrong idea, but the thing is, she had told me earlier in the sep that I'd need months of therapy before I could ask her back, and on another occasion she told me that a mutual friend was in my corner and that said friend said she believed I would come back to my wife a changed man. Meaning, that in the beginning, she hinted on reconciliation. I am so confused on all of this.
