WAW - Possible MLC I need help, WAWs advice IV

[25yearsmlc]

LD,

well said and well done. But I disagree with one comment you made--- she is not "in love" with OM. I mean, please... We who have been through the fires and the triumphs of family life, and raising children (including when they were sick in the middle of the night, or broke their arm, or won an award or a race...) and working at jobs, on our homes, over years of time...we know what love is. It's a choice, an action verb that requires sacrifice, and it is a series of acts born of truly knowing another person and wishing them the best... Though we have not loved perfectly, we want to.

The OP is rarely "the real love of their life" but is...something else. Not always sure exactly what that means b/c although each "A" has some things in common, they are also unique. I hate to oversimplify and generalize. Plus, in my more "englightened" and forgiving moments, I see that the WASs are not always just being selfish and evil...seriously, a lot of WAS (and or MLCers) are in tremendous pain, and not sure what the hell to do, Whether they can "un-do" anything or should. Often knowing they're inflicting pain on innocents, yet acting like bulls in a China closet emotionally...careening from one disaster to another and not being able to get themselves back on the road to health and love. Inner issues or baggage from their childhoods that never got addressed, or flaws they used to have a handle on, but now are flourishing...lots of confusion...

So, I get a little wary when someone says "that's exactly what my H- does", and joins in the "blame them" game. Or if someone spends all their time venting negatively (which IS helpful to do HERE[/i]...) to the point that they keep themselves angry and hurt pretty much 24/7 with brief respites of painfree time, just enough to rest and then get on another 'binge' of fury a few days later. Basically, the anger at some point, will hinder our recovery. Which slows or prevents our own happiness. And then, it really does become a self inflicted wound at some point.

[i]I am from a large family. One sister was divorced in '95 (h left her for OW and married the OW and has a kid with her, etc) and she is still hurt and angry and never got over it. Although I can safely say that my sister did contribute some to her marriage's end, I cannot say that she believes any of that. She's afraid to look within, b/c she may fear she is as worthless as her low self esteem suggests? I don't know, I'm not a shrink. But she lacks self awareness, yet is great with others' and their problems. I honestly think she believes her first M ended ALL b/c of the OW and the h changing into a bad guy. So, when I hear her complain at this point of her life, [i]over a decade later, ( considering that I'm female and she's my own sister, trust me when I say she got a good financial deal...) she complains about her finances...Hmmm, where was I? Oh yeah, she will periodically complain b/c compared to what she had when married to her first h, she isn't wealthy. But compared to 90% of LBS women/mothers, she has it great AND for God's sake, it has been nearly 14 years now. SHE has inflicted a bitter negative outlook onto herself, the glass is half empty all the time (or "if it's filled, watch it, it'll spill any minute") and she has become someone UN-fun to be around. Her social circle gets smaller by the year. And that makes her even sadder and angrier and it's still all the x's fault...

Though her h was unfair and unkind and dishonest, and even if she had been perfect...how long can anyone blame their X for their misery ? Is there a statute of limitations? We all agree that At some point, we have to take responsibility for letting go of our parent's deficits and act like adults. Same goes for WAS's...at some point, the LBSer has to go on with LIFE and live it well. Unfair things happen. All the time & all over the world.


Sorry to hijack with a story of analogy but it may help here.... My last pregnancy was difficult, though not really life threatening.. (Super inconvenient, bedrest for weeks, etc). One night, after a gloomy week of rainy weather, I lay in bed feeling sorry for myself, when I finally saw a full moon. I realized that there were literally millions of women who were pregnant at that moment too. Some of them could see the same moon... But the reality is that Most of them were not laying in beds looking out of windows, and most were not wondering about how loudly their husbands snored. In fact, realistically, many were alone, wondering if their husbands were ever coming home, or if they were alive. They were not wondering about what to cook for dinner the next night, but whether there'd be any food at all in the hut they shared with 5 others. They weren't able to be in "bed rest" as I was, b/c they had mats of straw to sleep on that were unclean, and they were not worried about whether getting an epidural was the route to go; or if their favorite physician would be on call at the hospital they'd give birth in; they were wondering if they'd be giving birth indoors at all, without any enemies attacking, or the monsoon flooding... It was one of those "aha" moments when I wanted to slap myself. I was embarrassed.

And though a broken heart is a terrible blow to anyone, fellows, pardon this tiny 2 x 4, but really, in the grand scheme of things, do you see how valuable your lives are? How much you have going FOR you?

As gimmicky as it sounds, it might help you to spend 10 minutes a day (or an hour or more??) thinking of what a man's life is like in one of the countries that make up so much of our world. The 3rd world is a lot bigger than ours...

good luck Gentlemen, and don't think I'm poo pooing your pain. It's painful but touching to read, and I am moved by your words. But I thought you could use a little feedback of the other type, so you know that in the "real world" you have a whole lot going for you in life. Oh, did I mention your healthy children who love you? And the honor with which you've conducted yourself in front of them???

Not bad, guys, not bad at all.
j-