PM Thread #3

[PositivelyMommy]

Hi Everyone,

The MIL and H has taken the kids out so I have a couple of hours to myself, finally. MIL visit is a whirlwind because she is staying at our house and so I am the host while H breezes in and out. MIL is sympathetic, I think her thinking is really messed up as well with this whole situation. Of course, as any mother would, she wants her son to be happy. But not hearing it from him. After all this mess that has happened he is sticking with his decision to leave our family and hanging out with OW AND still not 'happy'. Happy enough to forget his pain but not real happiness. He is still snappy around us, at least, and is moody. I am detaching myself and not feeling at all responsible for his moods, which make me realize how much I have grown over the last few months. MIL is on edge too and I am watching and thinking to myself, she is on edge, not my problem. I just try to be nice and agreeable. When I don't feel responsible for other people's feelings, it's extremely liberating! I can just watch and say to myself what is happening and go on with what I am doing. No need to feel I have to 'fix' things. Everyone here should try it, I am much more relaxed than I have been in YEARS!

I am really glad that H is not happy! That means reality is coming into his A. MIL confirmed it to me in one of our friendly chats. She thinks they are slowly coming out of honeymoon period. Good. That means he is moving out of Stage 3 of MLC (Replay) and hopefully (cross fingers) moving into Stage 4 - Depression. As long as he is moving along, there is hope. If he is staying in Replay then I am in trouble. That's my thinking anyway.

I have taken myself away unexpectedly a couple of times in the last few days. H is pissed off because he is caught off guard. That means he has the kids with my MIL. I just left without setting up for dinner nor telling them where I was going. Just out for a few hours. My DB coach and IC said I need to do this so H could bond with kids. I felt really awkward the first time but is more comfortable with it. I love my kids and being away from them leaves me a little down but I know it's what's best for them in the long run so I make myself do it. Also creates mystery for H. But I can tell he is more pis*ed off than curious. Well, whatever, I think, you have to own your own emotions.

Last night at dinner, H got really pis*ed off at MIL. I know his IC told him to assert himself (because he has passive-agressive personality) but it's coming out angry and wierd instead of kind and persuasive. He looked like he was going to tell her to shut up. She was just doing casual chatting, no big deal, but he is so on edge that anything could set him off now. I was calm and led her away to try to take her away from being verbally abused.

I love my MIL, we were very close, more like friends than anything else. This is hard for both of us because I feel that the message she is getting from H is that our M is definitely over and that he is with OW now. But she can't see how having OW would cure all of his problems, just create more problems. So I know she is very very worried. Me, I wish she was more pro-active in getting us back together but I am a realist and know there is nothing she can do anyway so don't exert any pressure. Just try to talk to her about what I think H is going through, his thinking process and just trying to analyse it all without being emotional.

She will meet our IC next week and have a talk with the IC about H. Give the IC some background on H's childhood.

H is spending more time with us because MIL is here. And he is more engaged with the kids for her benefit. But I know it won't last. When she leaves, he will be back to his old ways. Whatever, I can't wait till she leaves only because then I would see him LESS. Can't stand the tension sometimes.