Carlos That's great..more time with the boys. My W and S are coming in the next couple days. I can't compain more time with my S. Work stuff for W. Again house guest mode is kicking in for her if she choose to say in the house instead of hotel. Your Mandarin is getting way over my head now....LOL How to find you in FB..??
Have fun with your boys..hope the baby get better soon.
NW626
Me:33 STBXW:38 S:3 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you fight the fight....!!
Carlos, I havent been around much but I read. I think you are doing "great" under the circumstances... Keep doing what you are doing... Happy New Year to you my friend! xxx K
My H didnt look the same man either. His eyes were...cold, changed, distant, hostile.He couldnt "take me" anymore. After he moved out he started changing back but only loosing the hostility. In September, when I returned from a trip, his eyes were...different, warm, caring again. A week later he told me he wanted back. It took him a year...
Hi Veronica, I guess it is the small changes that might start to matter...since it has to be those baby steps, right? This afternoon, when she came back to pick up our baby boy, she did something else that was different - she asked me if I had any extra diapers for him to have at school...of course she added, "I think I took care of the last two times" (which wasn't quite true...but it doesn't matter) - it was interesting to have her ask me for the diapers - since she had avoided doing anything like that for the last two months.
Still, even with that little difference, there was still the anger...since she actually huffed and grunted when I said goodbye and mentioned that I would call later to see how baby was doing. Even so, when it comes to my son, I just don't care - she can be as angry as she wants to be - I have every right in the world to know how he is doing.
NW - I'm so glad that you'll get more time with your son again soon - and I'm sure you'll have no problem doing what you have to do if your W stays in the house. Did my mandarin not make sense? Sometimes I forget how to say certain things...
Kalni - thanks for stopping by - I know you're still going through a lot - so I really appreciate you're taking the time to offer me some support. Who knows how long it will be until we get to the next stage - whatever stage that is...
Last night I got myself all worked up into thinking that there was an OM...only to think about my ideas today (in daylight) and realize that they're based on nothing. Even on New Year's Eve...when I called to say hi to my baby boy, she was just at home - by herself with him - and she sounded very sad...even before she moved out she wasn't secretive or anything...and didn't do her typical thing of telling me how great someone else was in comparison to me...anyway...my point is...my mind got the worst of me last night...and almost had me dwelling on stuff that just wouldn't matter even if it were true...since I still would have to continue doing the same thing - which is taking care of me - focusing on me - and relying on myself - that's how I'll be a better father to my kids - a better friend to myself - and a better partner to someone in the future.
Good for you for stopping the self-torture. Looking over my own thread reveals that I have gone down that fruitless road (OP) myself way too often.
It is understandable, we are constantly looking for explanations that somehow make sense, even if they are painful. And it somehow makes more sense that a spouse would leave what we LBS's know to be a good R to go to another person. It is so painful to think they would leave to be alone - that being without us is better.
But, they are not themselves. They are shadows of themselves without enough to give. It really helps me to think of my H as fragile, even when he has said hurtful things.
Hi Veronica, I think that's a big part of it - looking for explanations that make sense...reading through other threads and seeing how often they involve in OP - it just seems to help make sense of things - though I know not every situation has an OP - and mine seems to be one of the ones where there isn't one (yet, at least). I think it's just that I knew an EA was starting when the bomb dropped - but I really do know that this EA just kind of amounted to nothing...once I knew about it, I just asked her to be sure that she didn't talk about anything with him that she would be embarrassed of if I were in the room...don't know if those words mattered to her - but they did let her know that I knew things were a bit too flirtatious between her and her "mentor".
Still...I did notice, even before she moved out and switched her phone, that she didn't get calls or texts from him anymore - nor did she call or text him anymore...even by July...so I stopped worrying about it...she has this habit of getting really into someone briefly - and then having reality strike - and then she loses faith in that person - and some things she said about her mentor told me that she had gone through that process with him pretty quickly...
These days, I can just see that there isn't an OP - partly because I know how she would dress herself up to impress someone if she were - but on nights when she comes be - nights that could easily be a date night - she never looks made up - sometimes she looks like she's even just neglected herself a bit (which I think is sad). Anyway...all this just to say, yes, it is strange to think that she prefers being by herself than work on restoring our family - but first working on herself...
I had a great time with the boys today - albeit brief. My baby boy was still under the weather - so he would play and then break down - but it was nice to have him home with us for a little while. After my W picked him up, my S11 and I went out to his favorite bakery for lunch...which was nice...though right now I am feeling sleepy from eating too much sugar I think...they're pastries are just irresistible.
I had a dream last night in which we were in a car and we reconciled...I wish I could remember more of the details...instead I woke up with this empty feeling...and this vague memory of the dream. I wonder if I had that dream just because W and I spoke a bit more yesterday than usual - mostly about our baby boy - since he is under the weather. I found myself listening so carefully to everything she said - just trying to listen to her talk about baby - and not throw a lot of questions at her...
I'll probably call to check on my baby boy later this morning - hopefully he's starting to feel better.
I'm also going to have to keep myself busy today - just to keep focused on what I have to do - for me and my kids. I had this idea this morning that, since my W is going through a crisis, the chances of our reconciling really are 50/50 - she may eventually come out of this and see what she's giving up - and see that some of the memories she has created are not about us - but about her - if that's possible, then we would be able to work on a M with a much stronger foundation - because it would mean that she is also willing to do the work for herself...
On the other hand, if she doesn't want to work on herself - and she only holds this anger - then it is best that we move on apart - and that I have the opportunity to learn more about taking care of myself and my kids on my own for a while. Eventually I will meet someone new - it's just not the major concern right now...
I have to keep making use of my time to improve and to learn more about myself...I cannot waste this time - since I may never get an opportunity like this again.
I think that you have a great outlook on the situation and the opportunity presented. We have all been given such an opportunity but it is hard to see it as that because of all the pain associated with the rift in the relationship. Good for you for seeing it and seizing it.
Funny, I had a dream about H last night, too. We were working on reconciliation and he was waffling a bit. I think I was just dreaming the next step that I am hoping for. Strange timing though that we both had reconciliation dreams.
Carlos and V I think dreams are for our subconscious minds speaking. You two are true fighters. Strangely, I have not dream about my W for a while. Is this telling me something? As usual, Carlos have a great outlook on things. Have a good day, my friend.
NW626
Me:33 STBXW:38 S:3 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you fight the fight....!!
I finally got myself out for some exercise again too - mostly because my S11 really wanted to go to a pickup soccer game we play in on Sundays...We ran around for two hours...and now I am exhausted...
Glad that you and your H got email contact...those phones bills can be terrifying...no skype?
....... Journaling a bit... I texted my W this morning to ask her how S2 is doing - and she texted back about an hour later letting know that he's still under the weather and coughing...Later in the day I called her to talk about what we would do if he's still sick tomorrow and he has to stay home from school - she didn't answer, so I left her a message. She called back - but it was right when I was on the phone with my father, so I wasn't able to take her call...when I got of the phone with my father, I called her again - but she didn't answer, and I didn't leave a message...
I miss her a lot today for some reason...and when we were leaving the soccer game I just had this very simple urge to call her and say, hey, let's talk about what we have to do to get back on track...but that would be a huge mistake...I know that much...so I got home and showered instead...though I really would love to talk with her about how we could mend things...so instead I'll just write it out to myself and file it away with the other unsent letters to my W.
I'll give her a call later - probably around 7:30ish - just to say goodnight to my baby boy and find out about her plans for tomorrow...I'm tempted to just let her call tonight...but I think that would make it seem like I'm not concerned about my baby boy - so I'll continue with my belief that DBing is only about me and my W - and when it comes to my son, I call.
