The kids and I went up for karate this morning, Nathan tests for his third stripe tomorrow night. Then in 2 weeks he 'officially' tests and will get to move from white belt to orange. Very big deal!! He is excited about it...
Then we went and spent the kids' gift cards from Christmas on a little toy for each ($5 cards only get you so much).
Then we came home and have just sort of hung out. I have started about six different projects this afternoon, so I have to figure out which one to finish first so I don't go back to work Monday leaving a ton of loose ends! (Taking lights of Christmas tree, organizing the garage, folding laundry, cleaning the kitchen, etc etc)
While laying down with Sydney to get her to take a nap, I was thinking about Dan. I remember all the years we spent pre-kids and how close we were then. If he had been on a trip like this he would have called and talked to me for an hour while on the road, or called from the hotel at night and talked until he fell asleep. Why does it have to be different now? I don't think it does...
He told me last week if I wanted him for a 'boyfriend' (I have mentioned that I want him to be my boyfriend not just the father of my kids) I was going to have to look somewhere else. He said he was my husband not my boyfriend and things change as time goes on. His comment was "I am not going to sit on the couch holding hands and cuddling on Christmas Eve in front of my family". True, we did goofy stuff like that as teenagers, not paying attention to anyone else. That is not what I meant, I just mean I want us to ENJOY each other! How is that wrong? I still got excited when we lived in K.C. last year when I would see his truck pull in the drive and knew he was finally home from work at the end of the day, stuff like that.
I miss having someone excited about ME. I tried to think really hard about the last time I felt like Dan was visibly glad to be with me. I couldn't really think of a time since before our D was born 2 1/2 years ago. That is so sad.
I am just starting to feel like I am pouring all of this love, affection, attention into a vacuum. It just gets sucked up and I get nothing in return. Sure he works and makes the big money to pay for everything. He is a great dad to our kids and when I have night class or whatever he takes care of them (or his mom does!) so I can go.
But I want some flirting, joking, touching, laughing. It sucks so much not to have that. I am sure it is TMI but when he was on trips in the past we used to "play" on the phone,and I miss that! Now he calls, talks to me for a few minutes, then asks to talk to the kids. No I love you, I miss you, etc.
I just don't know how that disappears. If it had never been there, that would be sad, but I think it is even sadder for me that we DID have that and now we don't.
