You, kind sir, are a farmer of people, including yourself. You till the soil (hearts and minds) lovingly, you plant the seed of hope and self improvement in the right season for the individual you are touching, you 'water' appropriately, you advise them on how to 'weed', as needed, and you encourage everyone to grow and protect their PMA and self esteem so that they are in the best position to harvest the fruits of their labor and love when the time is right.
You have done, and continue to do, beautiful work for yourself and for others. We are with YOU. We wish the best for YOU as you figure out how to best proceed in your own challenging sitch.
Call me any time. E-mail me anytime. I am here for you as you have always been for me. I respect you. Thank you.
Tom
Letting Go Tom; JUST DO IT! previously hopeful_husband
my A: Fall 05 W found out: Feb 06; separated immediately W pursued D, final 7/11/07
Was giving D17.99 a ride to her BF's house this morning and I said to her that I wanted her to know that me telling her mom that I didn't want her to come into the house every school morning was me setting a boundary, and not me being mean.
She said she understood that I try not to be mean but changes have to be made. Said that W didn't seem bothered by it at all. However, when I told W not to come in the house any more, there was an undercurrent of unhappiness but I suppose she accepts this is the path we are on.
I said to D17 that W is probably happy with the way her life is right now and D17 said "Would it really be so bad if she is happy?"
I wanted to say "Well, yes because her happiness is based on making decisions that hurt her family."
But, I didn't.
I just said "I hope when you find yourself in a committed relationship you learned from our mistakes and handle issues differently"
She said that she doesn't expect she will ever get married.
I felt that way too when I was growing up. My dad divorced twice and I really didn't think anyone would stay with me.
Sounded like a nice, positive interaction with your daughter. I commend you that your conscience and sense of right prevented you from souring your interaction with your daughter because of the pain and anguish that exists in your M.
You are a strong man. You are a wise man. And like all of us, you are perfectly human, which means you are imperfect. Continue taking care of your own psyche. Continue caring for and loving your daughters. Know that you are among friends and that your value to your family and those you touch is immeasurable.
I agree with you, sometimes even saying some things in even the nicest of ways will not be received by the other person as intended or meant. Sometimes holding one's tongue is the best answer. Just remember, sometimes doing NOTHING and/or saying NOTHING is doing and saying plenty. Perfect parents do not exist. Despite our best efforts and intentions, no one ever gets through raising a child without inflicting some damage on them in some way. We can only do our best and learn from those times when we were not our best.
You are a good man. You will have what you want that is best for you and yours. Only sometimes, in turning our challenges over to God, His answers are not what we thought we wanted and certainly not what we expected to receive in turning to Him for help. As Benjamin Franklin once said, "God helps those who help themselves."
Continue helping yourself. Life is a journey. Life is a challenge. Life is change. If you're not on YOUR journey, not seeking challenge, not embracing change, well then...you're dead! I KNOW you are alive! I talked with you last night. LIVE, my brother. You are an inspiration to me; an inspiration to many.
Much love to you, Tom
Letting Go Tom; JUST DO IT! previously hopeful_husband
my A: Fall 05 W found out: Feb 06; separated immediately W pursued D, final 7/11/07
W called and asked me if there was any time today when I wouldn't be home so she could come over and get some things she needed. Said it would be awkward since I 'hang around' her. I told her that she could come by any time, I won't 'hang around' her.
She kept going on saying how uncomfortable she feels around me. I just said that she can come by, I'll ignore her. I asked what she needed and she said some photos so she could put together an album for D13. And to check her E-Mail.
Then she said "Do I knock on the door or come in? What do you want me to do?" I said just come in.
I tried to be pleasant but she seemed a mixture of sad and angry.
I just realised that your signature line is the one I used for new year's eve TM's. I sent it to all my friends to mark the beginning !! Wow, bizar just noticing it now....
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
She kept going on saying how uncomfortable she feels around me
Well, you can't account for her guilt my friend......
I don't know what would make you say it's guilt. I think she just feels 'uncomfortable' because I've been telling her I don't want her around, she can't come by for 'visits' with the girls but has to find her own arrangements out of the house.
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Me, I would have told her to come on by and get what she needs for D13, then get out. She can go to the library and check her email.
see, I have to explain that she has her own domain which I provide the hosting for her and you need Outlook or some other mail reader to read it. Tonight I'm going to move it to another service that has a web based reader.
Play upon his sympathies and trigger his guilt to see how much I can manipulate him so I can keep as many benefits as possible while I excersise my freedom to do whatever I want.
If memory serves, your W has a history of freedom excursions with benefits.
Mine actually said;
"D shouldn't change the way we parent." (I want you to continue caring for C most of the time so I can party)
"I still want us to be there for each other." (I want you to be there for me when I want you to be)
"We will always be a family." (I want to have a party lifestyle and "family" experiences when I want them)
"Why can't we use one (hers) lawyer?" (I want the D to cost me as little as possible and expect you to give me everything I want)
Sorry for butting in.
Last edited by sleeper; 01/04/0912:58 AM.
"Fear is the mind-killer" Muad'Dib Me 53, XW 44, DD 14, DS 12 Bomb and OM 12/15/06 Separated 01/02/07 Divorced 05/13/08 X married OM(OMH) 08/2009 Married 06/09/13
Sleeper and deb already covered it frank, but I will add my reasoning here as well since you are confused.
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I don't know what would make you say it's guilt. I think she just feels 'uncomfortable' because I've been telling her I don't want her around, she can't come by for 'visits' with the girls but has to find her own arrangements out of the house.
No dude, just as you have to be comfortable in your own skin, so does she. You simply saying you don't want her around shouldn't mean crap to her. In fact, since when has she given a shitt about how you feel or what you want? The guilt part is that it's not her house Frank, she doesnt live there. If Carrie asked to come to my place to go through my photos, I would tell her no. I would ask what photos she is looking for and if it something I am ok with her having I would box them up and give them to her. Her guilt is that she knows what the reality is Frank. She shouldnt be even asking you for this stuff. She is testing you, pushing your buttons.
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see, I have to explain that she has her own domain which I provide the hosting for her and you need Outlook or some other mail reader to read it. Tonight I'm going to move it to another service that has a web based reader.
I knew this a month ago, you told me so. My point is why haven't you switched it already? Don't give her excuses to just show up at your place. Eliminate, eliminate, eliminate.
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What is the game? I guess I don't get it.
At this point in time Frank, I think the question needs to be what does she do that is not a game or simply designed to get a reaction. The game is take advantage of a good hearted man, the game is do what I want even if it hurts others, and the game is I don't deserve him to be nice to me but I am gonna make him be nice.
She takes advantage of your good nature, she takes advantage of opportunities to make you feel like the bad guy ("you said you don't like me being around"), and she takes advantage of your children as an excuse to enter your home. It's all manipulation Frank, and very easy to see from this side of the fence......
