Trixi aka "The Pitbull who can't let go"

[NikB]

haha - thank you! I know, cross-posting can really mess you up. Thanks for letting me know though!

And, thanks for the reply to the hijack! I DO actually have that "Not Just Friends" book but I haven't read it yet. I bought it during my flurry of "Save the M!" book buying and didn't get to it. Thanks for the reminder - I should get it out. I know this sounds funny but the title of it's kinda off-putting. It makes me crazy because I said it to my H sooooo many times, so every time I see the title I get flashbacks. I need to get over it though because I've heard the book is excellent.

About the room - I know, I think that's funny too. It's like we're in some crazy stand-off about it. Sort of like when he was living here out of his suitcase for weeks and it was this giant elephant in the room. I wasn't going to be the one to bring up him moving home and it was a lonnnng time before he finally did it. We've even had friends and neighbors go "Wow you really did a lot with this room! It's cute!" and you can see that THEY are even kinda scratching their heads. Once when that happened I saw H perk up and start eavesdropping. I think he was hoping I'd finally reveal the room's purpose..haha.

We shall see if the cold dinners and missed lunches works! It's unfortunate it only happens when his friends are here because I think a really flirty or suggestive comment now and again could do the trick too. "I better listen or I might miss out!"

You know, I sometimes wonder if the other person CAN actually "get" how much hurt they inflicted. It is so much easier for them to rationalize that it was "no big deal" and "nothing happened" so that they can live with themselves.

Agreed!! I think that is probably one of the hardest parts about Piecing actually. I'll honestly probably never totally understand my H's pain that led to wanting the separation originally - I get some of it but the depths of it? The darkness and despair on his face when he dropped the bomb? I probably won't. On the flip side as the LBS the pain hits ALL AT ONCE and I think that makes it more severe. Sort of the quick ripping off of the band aid effect.

At some level I think both parties have to let it go that neither one will every totally get what the other person went through. But having empathy for them and allowing them to be hurt/upset and work through it even if you don't get it... that's what's most important to me I think. i.e. in my case I KNOW it is on me to deal with it and stop flinching when the "new text" sound goes off. But I think it's also important for my H not to minimize those feelings or expect me not to have them just because in HIS mind the friendship was "no big deal." That's the tough balance. In your case your H doesn't need to FEEL the pain but he sure needs to not minimize it or turn it around that it's OK because it turned out well in the end. ugh.

In a way, when my H was listing what he considered to be the postivie results from separating, I felt a bit like he was letting himself off the hook and getting a free pass. I mean, obviously, since we are now "broken up" it's a moot point, but I can bet he will be able to "spin" this whole thing as being for the best-regardless of the outcome.
And isn't what we all end up doing? Trying to say that the destruction of our marriage was "for the best" because our spouse is so flawed they couldn't love us properly? Or that the separation was "for the best" because it made us stronger? I guess that's what we have to do so that we can look forward to the future with hope in our hearts...but sometimes I feel like there is something wrong with the whole broad brush strokes of "for the best." KWIM?

I definitely know exactly what you mean! I think the whole "for the best" thinking is really flawed, myself.

I think it's OK to look at the positives that we did get from it and be proud of ourselves for having come through it, surviving, getting stronger. But "for the best" - um no, sorry. I still think you can look forward with hope in your heart and know that there's more than one path to "Happy" without having to say the D was "for the best," though. At least that's how I try to look at it.