Trixi aka "The Pitbull who can't let go"

[NikB]

I am sitting here with a prairie dog snuggling,I have a cute, cozy little house, my pellet stove is keeping me extra toasty, my jeep did FAB in the snow, I have a jigsaw puzzle going on my dining room table..I don't have a DUI to worry about, I don't feel the need to re-live my 20's, I don't have to drink or smoke weed to have fun....and I can look myself in the mirror and know that I have done all that I can (and more) to try to save the marriage.

This is absolutely beautiful! I love the image of you there in your cozy house that you enjoy so much.

And, I like that you're seeing the reality of your H and who/how he is today so clearly too. It's pretty darn hard to do when it's such a sad reality. ((((Trixi))))

I so appreciate your support--I am feeling strong this particular minute; but I know I will have weak moments and lack clear vision.

We'll be here for you!! You know that. And since I've been taking sporadic breaks from the boards - if you need me sometime and I'm not on for a bit, you know how to reach me via email (I think) or via FB which will kick an email to me.

For instance, next Wednesday when I drive SS to rehab, H is coming along. It's probably a 2 hour ride each way. The way there won't be bad because SS will be in the car...the way back..I'm nervous about that. OH! Not that I'll get tricked into a "lets go back to status quo"-more that he will start talking about logistics of D. I don't know if I am ready for that.

Ugh... I wish there was some way to avoid this but I can't think of a good one. Sooo.. knowing that's coming up and it'll be rough maybe we can come up with some ideas? I know when I had situations coming up that I could prepare for it helped me a ton to practice some responses in advance.

First off, distraction! Do everything you can to keep things OFF the topic by having other things to talk about. Bring silly stuff, i.e. those little hand held electronic games. Target has a decent selection and so do most drug stores. This game in particular: http://www.amazon.com/Electronic-Handheld-20-Questions-Game/dp/B000G7YQI4/ref=cm_cr_pr_sims_t is both maddening and fun! (not necessarily this brand - there are lots of different brands of the same game/concept). I brought Hangman and 20Q and managed to keep us entertained for quite awhile. Your H would have to be willing to do the "game" part but hopefully he'd go for it.

Be prepared with lots of discussion topics that aren't too sensitive in nature... I dunno, politics, celebrity news, whatever you think would get/keep him talking for awhile. Weather only gets you so far..

Now for the tougher stuff - my best advice is really, really work hard at being detached no matter WHAT scenario might come up. I KNOW how hard it will be but try to pretend you're talking to someone whose decisions don't have a direct impact on your life. I think it'll help get you through ANY scenario much, much easier. And if you're serious about the "Game Over" - it ISN'T his decision any longer. You didn't decide to end your M, but you decided to end living in limbo-land.

Incidentally I think you ARE serious about it this time and I hope you can stay strong in that. But even if you AREN'T serious or you start to waffle, I think you need to do your darndest to "act as if" it's Game Over. I would have some short, to the point things ready to say so that you don't get sucked into some big long R talk where you're trying to "convince" him of anything. There's nothing to discuss anymore. He chose to separate, you chose to change your focus to your own life/future and not to live with limbo anymore. Game over.

So, if he does try to bring up D/R/Future stuff, my best suggestion is to be prepared and know exactly what you want to say. Practice saying it in a calm, detached manner if it helps you (it helps me a ton!). It may still not come out exactly as you practice or intend, but it's a whole lot easier to at least get CLOSE to what you want to say if you've prepared. Here are some ideas:

If he talks about...

- D in general: "H I'm not prepared to discuss this right now." (repeat as necessary). Or, "H it's too painful for me to talk about this right now." I'd suggest the more "business like" one if you can do it... but I know you tend to get into the emotional stuff so thought the 2nd one might be more "you." Also, if he's got ANY compassion, the "too painful" should help redirect him.

- Logistics of a D: "That's business and I need time to look into everything. I'm not prepared to discuss this right now."

- Filing / when to file: "H I'm not prepared to discuss this right now" still works. Or, "H this is your D. I won't fight it but I do not intend to file." I borrowed the "your D" from another thread - I really like this because it makes it very clear you're not "owning" the D.

- Turning it around that it was your decision: "I'm sorry you feel that's the case, H. I did not choose to end our M. I chose not to keep my life on hold because of your indecision anymore." Calm, non-accusatory, but clear on where you stand.

- Money or how expensive it'll be "H I'm not prepared..." works again. Another one that worked well for me when my H got ticked and kind of accusatory about something financial was "H when I did XYZ / made XYZ decision it was based on planning for our financial future together. Things have changed." (and if he tries to push further "that's business and I'm not prepared...").

- Still being undecided: BE READY!! I have a feeling you're likely to get this - in the form of "poor me," in the form of taking back control of the decision, in the form of hooking you back in - I think you'll get this. "H I can't continue to keep my life on hold while you make up your mind. I am moving forward with my own life, wherever that may lead." [note: this doesn't close the door completely to a future reconciliation, but it closes the door on the current limbo situation]. You can also use "I'm sorry you feel that way." "That sounds very difficult."

- "I need to focus on me": Don't argue with him. If he says he never got to do it, "I'm sorry you feel that way." "I hope you're able to find your happiness." "I hope this time to focus on yourself helps you."

- Family isn't his priority or family disappointed him: "I'm sorry you feel that way."

- Remaining friends / being "best friends": "I'm sorry H but that won't work for me right now. I can be civil and friendly but I can't/won't be your friend if we're D'd." (incidentally, this one shocked the crap out of my H - to the MC he even admitted this is what got him confused, because he didn't want to lose me as his best friend)

- All the things he'd have to do if you DID reconcile: Don't go there!! It'll only get you stuck right back in limbo-land. I don't know exactly how I'd address it but maybe something vague like "Since that's not where we're at, we'll cross that bridge if we ever come to it." He hasn't even done the work to win you back yet, nevermind what it'll take to reconcile. YES it's great to have all this in mind for yourself, but there is no reason to share it with him right now. The ONLY time I'd share it is 1. he's truly won you back and 2. he's passionate about reconciling.

Also know what you DON'T want to say:

- I need to talk to a L.

- I need to find out what my rights are / what I'm entitled to.

- I know that in our state I should get ________...

Try not to get into ANY financial details, or anything that hints at it. I was blown away a few times by just how quickly H could switch from civil to more furious than I think I've ever seen him when I even MENTIONED these things. It also seems like people tend to get the most generous D settlement "offers" from the WAS early on. The "offers" get less and less generous over time. So, you want to avoid talking about this on the off chance that he offers you more than the law requires when you DO get into financial stuff.

I also wanted to mention, the way your H waffles, I think you should prepare for one more "scenario" so you don't get caught off guard. It wouldn't surprise me at all if he got all snuggly and lovey dovey in the car to hook you back in if he believes you're serious about the "Game Over" this time. And as I mentioned earlier even if you're not 100% sure or you waver some, I think acting "as if" is critical.

The best response to ILY and any other compliments is probably "Thank you" and then change the subject. Not "Well if you love me why can't we figure this out together (and on and on and on)." Nothing more to discuss, remember? It doesn't matter how much he loves you or how beautiful you are or how you're the best thing that's ever happened to him - because the game is over and he chose not to commit to you.

One other thought on the drive:

I would also point out going to a 25yo arrogant, pot smoking, anti-marriage, self centered KID about what to do about his 11 year marriage is idiotic. BUT, since I am not dealing with his BS anymore, I'm not going to call. However, if he happens to be stuck in a car with me for a couple hours on Wednesday- it might come up.

Nooooo!! No more arguing. It doesn't matter if it's idiotic. It's what he's chosen to do. If you're truly letting him go, this doesn't matter anymore. The ONLY reason to bring this up would be to argue with your H that you should work on the M together, right? If you've let go of that - there is no more reason to bring it up.

I actually think that SS ragging on him about being a Dad and saying to stop being immature and selfish, is hurting the sitch more than helping. Seems like H is rebelling against the whole idea and it just galvanizes him to "focus on himself". Oh well.

I TOTALLY agree. He's saying that family isn't his priority and turned out to be a "disappointment" to him and he never got to do "his" thing. Having pressure to be a better Dad definitely isn't going to help anything. But again - if you've truly let go - that doesn't matter anymore, either.

((((Trixi))))

OMG I just realized I spent over an hour on the boards and all of it was typing to you. Sorry this is so long!! I hope some of it helps. I'll reply to your latest post real quick and then I think I need to actually do something productive around the house!