Trixi aka "The Pitbull who can't let go"

[Trixi]

In terms of stuff today that's just not working - I think the biggest one is kinda what you referred to - understanding just how bad he hurt me. Or maybe it's more working through it with me. I dunno, hard to explain. I mean, I don't need to rub it in his face or anything but I truly think he doesn't get it. He understands me being upset about him moving out (sort of) but to this day seems to still think I was just over-reacting about his "friends."

I haven't read the book, but I see it recommended around here A LOT- "Not "just friends"" by Shirley Glass--do you have it? Like I said, I haven't read it, but maybe it would help you to articulate your concerns to you H? Or help him actually "see" the damage that was done?

I totally "get" that it is far easier to set the boundaries initially--the old "Closing the barn door after the horses get out" scenario. Without a "crisis" it would *appear* to the offending party, that you are just overreacting to 'nothing'.

That's odd that the room was never discussed. I know my H would ask me eventually. heh. Or I would just tell him "Do you realize what I was grooming that room for?"

The talking over you/ignoring you thing-- OMG that would make me CRAZY. My H interrupts other people (rarely me) and that makes me nuts. I will often have to go back to what the person was saying so that the story doesn't get derailed with what H just popped up with. If he did that to me I would blow a gasket. I think your approach of cold dinners and no lunch are the best way to show that listening to you is to his benefit.

You know, I sometimes wonder if the other person CAN actually "get" how much hurt they inflicted. It is so much easier for them to rationalize that it was "no big deal" and "nothing happened" so that they can live with themselves. It's almost like the only way they could ever feel the impact is to have it happen to them. Of course, I know if I treated my H as he has treated me, he would write me off in a New York second.

In a way, when my H was listing what he considered to be the postivie results from separating, I felt a bit like he was letting himself off the hook and getting a free pass. I mean, obviously, since we are now "broken up" it's a moot point, but I can bet he will be able to "spin" this whole thing as being for the best-regardless of the outcome.
And isn't what we all end up doing? Trying to say that the destruction of our marriage was "for the best" because our spouse is so flawed they couldn't love us properly? Or that the separation was "for the best" because it made us stronger? I guess that's what we have to do so that we can look forward to the future with hope in our hearts...but sometimes I feel like there is something wrong with the whole broad brush strokes of "for the best." KWIM?