Arghhhh!! I thought I would quit posting here but I also feel like ya'll understand me here!! Okay, so no contact yesterday at all until last night when he texts me and says what is going on, STRANGER??? It's hard for me to know what DBing I should be doing because I want to be as transparent as humanly possible, but I also feel like he is WAS, using this stitch as an excuse to go back to drinking and do whatever he was going to do before he married me. It is all superficial texting last night - well, it all about the kids, anyway, but he does ask if i am okay. I always reply yes and ask how he is. Then this morning, back to nothing. Okay. So I take d4 to the park and just text him something simple - that I am taking her to the park if he wants to go, that's where we will be. He texts back that he is bringing us breakfast burritos. I don't reply back and he shows up about 15 minutes later. She eats. I eat. We trade a little bit of news/mail. He says he has to get back to the house because he is cooking. Then he gives me a hug and kiss before he leaves and he says "call me".
I'm just confused. Sometimes he seems like WAS, but I'm afraid to just leave all the contact in his court. I wonder if he stays quiet because I am staying quiet. I wonder if he is waiting for me to "come around". I've told him exactly how I feel. That I want us back together. That I want things to work THE RIGHT WAY. That I know it takes time, and that I just want to do little things like go the movies or out to eat or just for a walk. We did go out to eat alone without the kids 1 time this week. But when I told him that, he bolted the other way, saying no, he wanted a divorce, he couldn't forgive me, he almost killed himself over me, etc.
Overanalyzation, I suppose. Guilty.
Things I realize I need to work on:
1. I will stop interrupting other people. It is a habit I have and it has gotten worse. 2. I will start to relax more. For example, I will say yes to drinks more, and try not to be as uptight as I have in the past. I will try to say yes more, when invited to do things, whereas in the past i have usually said no because it wasn't my "thing." 3. I will not tell him or help him parent the kids. He is no more AND NO LESS capable than I. 4. When he sends money to family who need it, I will not resent it anymore. I will be thankful for it because I also know that if it were me or my family in need, he would do the same, and that is heartwarming. 5. I will try to have more patience. 6. I will try to become somewhat more reserved in my personality. I am often opinionated and I voice it. I am going to try to just sit back and observe for awhile. 7. Money. Again. As long as the bills are paid, I will try not to worry about savings or the lack thereof. We can't take it with us when we die.
Mel
"Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst."
