Trixi aka "The Pitbull who can't let go"

[NikB]

Sooooo, if he showed up on my doorstep RIGHT NOW-- I would tell him the list from above + more.

That's good!! I am very glad to see you say this.

I thought about the counseling thing and I would probably want to wrap it into a 'move back in' timeline. We have been to a couple other marriage counselors in the past without success, so I don't have a very good view of MC in general.

Yeah, it's definitely tough to find a good one.

The one we went to is GREAT but unfortunately H seems to see MC as "where you go to drop bombs on people" as opposed to "where you go to make the M happier so you don't have bombs to drop." I've asked him to go numerous times to help us work through stuff but when things are good or even just OK I get "Why would we need to go there?" ugh. I've given it up but at this point if he asked me to go I would probably panic!

If you do get to this point, one thought for you is you might ask on here for referral to a solution based / pro-M MC in your area. I think you had some coaching sessions left right? You might even ask in a future session. When I asked for the referral I let them know that I'd much rather do the phone coaching but H would only see someone in person (all true) so that's why I was asking.

I know, not something you even need to worry about right now, just wanted to throw that idea out.

I know the FB thing and the getting to decorate sound sort of silly. For me, FB is something he could do within 5 minutes of arriving to show the world that he is with me. (Remember, I have been basically hidden this whole year.) So, it's what it represents to me.

Ahhh that makes sense. In that case I think you should make it a "couples" profile picture, too.

The decorating thing-- he has always been very interested in the decor of the house and I was fine with mission/craftsman style. But, now that I am on my own, I have gotten to express myself fully and I don't want to give that up....

That's very cool! I didn't realize he was one of those rare guys who was actually into decorating. When we first moved in together my H thought the house looked decorated and "like it has a woman's touch" when I (gasp) put a houseplant in the window. The decorating thing totally makes sense now.

So, Nik, what sort of needs do you think aren't being met? I do remember when you guys were first starting towards getting back together and how exciting it would be that he would take you the races and you would get to spend all that time together. And how great you felt when he would introduce you as his W. So, obviously, we are way past that stage.

Ahh yeah, definitely past that. Now it's more the stuff below the "surface" I guess you could say. The rings were huge, yes!! That was probably the #1 thing in terms of making me feel more secure that he's at least wanting to give us a serious chance.

In terms of stuff today that's just not working - I think the biggest one is kinda what you referred to - understanding just how bad he hurt me. Or maybe it's more working through it with me. I dunno, hard to explain. I mean, I don't need to rub it in his face or anything but I truly think he doesn't get it. He understands me being upset about him moving out (sort of) but to this day seems to still think I was just over-reacting about his "friends."

Oh yeah that and the complete and total no contact outside of work. I should have seriously insisted on that. I'm still trying but if I'd done it up front it would have been a lot easier.

Just some examples...

His new phone (the one that got lost at the party) lists about 10 text messages on the screen at once as opposed to one at a time. So, if he's showing me a text from someone I end up seeing the list of the last 10 that he got. A couple of months ago he was showing me an invitation or something from one of his friends. I forget what it even was now. But I saw a couple of texts from her, too. One was obviously a reply to something he asked, so it wasn't like she just texted him out of the blue. I got really upset, tried to hide it and later realized that was dumb, I needed to tell him how I felt. He seemed genuinely shocked that it would "still" bother me. WTF?!?! He offered to show me the texts and said they were "about nothing." I told him what they were about wasn't the point, the fact that they're having any unnecessary contact outside of work was the problem. He kinda sighed and had that "OK whatever you're over-reacting but if it makes you happy fine" look / tone and said (not very sincerely) that he was sorry. CLUELESS. (BTW he DID show me the texts and yes they were pretty much about nothing - he asked what she was up to, she said cooking dinner how about you, he said working in the garage... so yeah pretty much "innocent" but again WTF?)

She also invited him to a party at her house the weekend before Christmas. At least I'm pretty sure that's what it was. It was addressed to him only - which is kinda strange for him to get from anyone at his work BESIDES her - everyone else would address it to me too. It had no name or RSVP number on it so I can't be sure, but it did have an address and if I remember right it's the street she lived on. He accidentally left it in his lunch box, which I clean out and re-fill with the next day's lunch most nights. I pulled it out and said "Hey cool, what's this? Christmas party?" Excitedly, as in, thinking we were going (hadn't seen yet that it was addressed to him only). He says kinda half embarassed, half upset "Uh yeah I meant to throw that away. It's an invitation to a party that I WILL NOT be going to." Now... GREAT that he is not going!!! But I feel like if he truly understood how much that "friendship" hurt me/us, he would have refused to even take the thing in the first place and he sure as he!! would not have accidentally left it in his lunch box. Again some conjecture here - but I am fairly sure I'm right.

I realize that a lot of this is my fault - not setting boundaries appropriately, not expressing my needs clearly and directly. Which would have been a LOT easier to do up front instead of playing "catch up" now. I should have insisted on total transparency. I feel like I should be able to look at anything on his phone anytime and not have anything on there that's inappropriate or would upset me (and vice versa - if he wants to look at my phone, email, whatever).

He also totally doesn't get why I'm still a little antsy about him going skiing, or why I flinch sometimes when the "text" sound goes off on his phone. I'm getting better but obviously the hurt's still there ya know? And I want to be able to talk to him about it without him looking at me like I'm some over-reacting crazy person.

In thinking about those things - in a lot of ways you're 'lucky' in that regard I guess. You don't have a long term EA/PA that you have to work through. Although I imagine you'd still have those kinds of "triggers" - like when he talks about the band or "making it" or whatever.

In terms of needs NOT related to getting past the EA.... the main biggie is just plain listening to me, showing more interest in me/my day/etc. If his friends are over it sometimes feels like I suddenly don't exist until they want food or something. I've had many, many times when I walk up to H to tell him something, wait for a break in the conversation, he looks right at me, I say whatever it was, and he ignores me completely, talks over me, or just starts another conversation with his friend. I've tried to talk to him about it but he has no idea he does it. It's tough to give him "examples" because I'd have to point it out in front of his friends and then of course embarass him. When I tell him examples after the fact he of course (because he was ignoring me!) doesn't remember what I'm talking about.

Although I must give a couple of his friends credit - they are starting to point it out FOR me. One of them the other day said "Dude, your wife is talking to you. She's tried to tell you the same thing about 5 times now. And it's about your racing so it's not like she's nagging you or something." H finally turned to me and said "I'm sorry, what were you trying to tell me?" I started to tell him and OMG - he got distracted and started talking over me AGAIN to the same friend that just called him out. The friend interrupted H and told him exactly the same thing I'd been trying to tell him and H was all excited about it. I jokingly "thanked" the friend and then kinda sarcastically said to H "Oh NOW I see how to get you to listen to me, I have to tell you everything via [friend's name]."

Still not sure how to address that one since obviously talking about it didn't work. The latest thing I'm trying is I simply say whatever it was once, and walk away. A few times he's missed some important information, or ended up with no lunch the next day (if he ignores the "what would you like for lunch?" or "does XYZ sound good?" question). He's eaten a few very cold dinners too. So I don't know if it's working but at least it's not driving me as crazy anymore. Once or twice it's prompted him to stop whatever new conversation he started and ask me to repeat what I said so maybe it's working a little bit.

About that bedroom - we've never talked about it. Shocking right? It gets used as a spare bedroom when we have parties and people can't drive home, but that's about the only time. In fact outside of the board here I think only a handful of people know what the original intent was. H has never asked or said a word about it. It's weird.

I honestly don't remember what my "requirements" were, or what I had planned on them being anyway. That's why I wanted to emphasize that to you - because I definitely have some regrets there. It's a lot easier to state them up front than to skip it or set aside your needs just because you're so happy to be reconciling than it is to have the stuff come up 6 months or a year later, I think.

Sorry for the hijack! You did ask though...

This is SO long already I'll go ahead and post it, then get back to YOU and reply to more of your post.