Hmm. For some reason I find it very significant that you posted your actual name! I think that there is a reason for that, and I can only think it is GOOD.
I am so happy that your priorities have shifted. I know that I need to work on the same. I was answering questions the other night from "The conversation book" with a small group of people and one of the questions was: "What single thing occupies most of your thoughts?"
Well, my honest answer was "XH."
Right away someone piped up with, "Not your kids?"
Yikes. That put me right back to the old drawing board. What the heck am I doing here? I sure don't practice what I preach!!! So, Julie, together we will work on letting the more important things occupy space in our brains!
I just got back from taking a long drive to clear my head. While I was driving it hit me that I just finished the degree for which I went back to school. Honestly, it kind of hit me and made me pause. Why didn't I celebrate that? I was driving in the direction of the college and I started to think of all the late nights driving home, crying because I felt so alone- the snowy trips, the all-nighters working on projects, etc., and I decided that it was quite an accomplishment. Up until today I was feeling rather embarrassed about it. I hated being a 42 year old woman still working on what she wanted to be when she grew up. But, hey, I am taking some steps towards it, and for that I will reward myself.
It is these things that we need to recognize in ourselves and celebrate, Julie!
As for the kids, yeah, I hear ya on that one. My oldest son broke down crying not too long ago--- his main concern was ME and my happiness. He told me that it was evident that I am not happy, and that he and his brothers would like to see me doing more for me and less for everyone else. How funny is that? I mean, I thought that I was doing right by putting them first- kind of over-compensating for the absense of their dad. I didn't know that they have been watching me, deciding whether things could be alright or not based on where I am in all of this.
So, I will continue to work on being happy. We all know that it is in our control- and like love, it is a choice. I hate to think that I have been choosing unhappiness all of this time, but, I guess that I have. Funny thing is, that despite all of this DBing, I didn't truly think about how important attitude is in all of this.
Last week I watched my XH half-heartedly participate in a game. You could tell that he just wasn't "there." And, when he did talk, it was about the usual- his aches, his pains, whether or not he will catch the illess my son had. Ugh. By the end of the night I just wanted to be away from him and his sad demeanor. I was screaming over and over in my head, "GET HELP, XH!" For the first time I didn't allow myself to go the pity route for him. I just got fed up of him wallowing around all of the time, and I truly just wanted him to go away. Then BAM, it hit me--- how many people are thinking that about ME?
So, beside the triathalon, I guess goal #2 is to choose happiness! We don't have to make this harder than it is. We are both blessed with fabulous children.... if that isn't something to be ecstatic about, well, what is?
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And there is me....coming alive again. Coming out of a place where I was "x's wife" to becoming complete again. I dont think I ever go there. Trying to learn to be honest but not bully - trying to know when to talk and when to be quiet. Learning to grow and not stay stagnate.
I like this. Just don't try too hard to become something other than what you are. Do we all need to change little things here and there? Sure. But don't overdo this one, Julie. Don't base your changes on what has happened with your XH. What I mean is, you have to be comfortable with who you are. And, learn to accept that maybe some of the core things about you may be the things that make it unrealistic to be with your XH. I know that the more I try to mold myself into what mine wants, the unhappier I am. I will be honest here, I try to convince myself that the changes "need" to be made, for my sake, not his. Well, I don't think that is really all that true. For example, I am a very talkative person--- I will talk to anyone (much to the embarrassment of my children at times), and my XH, well, he could go days without talking. For a time there, I tried to smother my need to talk. Guess what? It didn't make me happy!!! So, I continue to work on being o.k. with who I am, even if it doesn't fit into XH's little world.
A couple of weeks ago we were playing a game over IM- it was called "Doable or not?" (Get your mind out of the gutter, it was not a sex game! ) Let me preface this by saying that he had just made the statement that we cannot continue the way we are going- that 1 of 2 things need to happen: reconciliation or getting out of each other's lives completely. He said that right now neither seem attactive to him. So, I suggested that we put it all out there honestly with statements of what we want/need, and the other person had to be just as honest and say if it was "doable" or not. For example, my first one was "total honesty and full disclosure," to which he said, "doable."
Unfortunately, his first one was something like this: Can you learn to not express every single emotion? Can you not have to talk about every little thing that is bothering you?
My answer wasn't as easy as "doable" or "not doable." I found myself over-explaining the times I could do this and absolutely couldn't. It is who I am, Julie! And, I am a little resentful that he wants me to express the good (you're so great! Your arms look amazing [he knows I like them muscular], etc., but I can't express the not-so-goods (Uh, you totally forgot my graduation...") So, this one requires a lot more thought on my part whether or not I can be the person he needs. No, I don't need to express every little thing, but I do want to feel safe in doing so when I need to. And, I don't want someone else deciding what emotions I am "allowed" to express.
See? The old DBer ("obeyer") would have immediately said "Doable!" But, is this who I am comfortable being?
Funny sidenote, as I was IMing my X, I was also chatting with Betsey. I explained the game to her, and she quickly typed back, "If you say you can't do something does it mean you lose and game over?" Well, I laughed at that when she typed it, but there is a lot to that question. Should I be trying so hard on a relationship that is kind of like a house of cards? One wrong move.....
Well, Julie, don't know if you will get anything out of all of that rambling! But, it felt good to put it out there, so thanks for listening!
I hope you keep your thread going. I like your honesty.
) Let me preface this by saying that he had just made the statement that we cannot continue the way we are going- that 1 of 2 things need to happen: reconciliation or getting out of each other's lives completely. He said that right now neither seem attactive to him. So, I suggested that we put it all out there honestly with statements of what we want/need, and the other person had to be just as honest and say if it was "doable" or not. For example, my first one was "total honesty and full disclosure," to which he said, "doable."