Jeez' your post just was like reading my thoughts. You are so right on about where I am trying to go in all of this. Just letting go of EXPECTATIONS and control. I hope it sticks - as you know it is a constant battle.
For me the less contact I have with him right now the better. You know he is not even close to hitting the place where he can face ANYTHING...he is still running from himself - his family- all that mattered in this search for what he calls "Self".
To be honest - my concern for my x has shifted. Oh yes I want for him to change - "see the light" whatever..but my focus is shifting to that which I can DO somthing about and that is first and foremost MYSELF and also my little wonderful family that i have here.
My son is struggling with stuff. Big boy stuff. He is soon to be 20 and if you look in his wonderful eyes you can see a lost little boy unsure of where life is to take him. You see a future husband/father who wants to make good choices in life and do what is the best - yet he doesn't even know what that is for him. He is struggling - and he is "within my circle" he and I can communicate/pray and be together and walk through this.
My daughter is soon to be a teenager. She needs guidance and direction. She is too within my "circle" she is willing and open to working through life not running from it.. (As with my son). So rather than working on someone who doesn't want help/love or affection from me I will give to those WHO DESERVE IT AND NEED IT!!
And there is me....coming alive again. Coming out of a place where I was "x's wife" to becoming complete again. I dont think I ever go there. Trying to learn to be honest but not bully - trying to know when to talk and when to be quiet. Learning to grow and not stay stagnate.
Goals? Oh jeez that is so funny Pam. I have no goals.. Truthfully my goal is to have a goal!! I had just talked with C about this the other day.... and it is a good place to be because it is NEW and FRESH. Trying to figure out what I really want for ME. And it is a wierd place to be.
One goal is to run a half marathon this year..maybe a full... but I dont know if my heart is there yet. THEREFORE right now it is just an idea.! HA!! I did the Chicago Marathon in 2004...so i know I can...just dont know if i have it in me again-- the training is (for me) brutal.
thansk for popping on. it is going to be fun to see what happens to you in this new year..
Julie
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
