Thanks for your comments! I don’t know of any culture where adultery is accepted...
Factors that caused my W to stray are numerous and, without knowing it, I only fueled the drama. She confessed to me before we separated she is afraid of menopause, worried about her irregular periods, worried about some allergy she developed after giving birth, she does not want to end-up being overcontrolling and alone like her mother, aging, looks, she was irritated with both me and our son (she punished him for so minor “infractions”…) and asked me to draw her attention when this happens. She also complained the lack of real friends, to go shopping with, etc. My W’s father was an alcoholic and womanizer, total absent from her life (now they are best friends) and she witnessed terrible things as a child. Her life was full of couples who separated and divorced and nowadays this is the environment she is in.
The 1st 3rd person that entered our M was a “friend” who went through a rough marriage and ended-up divorced and with several failed relationships afterwards. No children, just lived the life to the “fullest”. Surprisingly, my W told me about this woman and criticized her for her behavior and now is her confident! When my W asked her what to do, stay with me, because I am loving, caring, not going in bars or chasing women, and good, or to look for excitement you can guess what the answer was. It looks like my W is under the spell of this woman.
You scare me with your comments about jumping from OM to OM but I guess you are right, the more men, the less self-esteem, numbness towards feelings, and more need for sex as a “need”. She may have feel guilty when she cheated 1st time, but I guess after 2nd time it was easier and fulfilling her “needs” makes her think nothing is wrong with having more sex. Her “friend” changed partners like socks and even went through numerous one night stands. I know my W realized she was used, she’s no fool. She jumped from OM #1 to OM #2 in a very short period of time. These “rescuers” left some damage behind… I know my W is doing some soul searching, but in which direction only she knows.
I am amazed about the excessive selfishness exhibited lately. Always speaks about herself and even when she planned and went with our son on vacation she said “I go”, “I want to see that”, like he was not joining her. She went through a period of total darkness following the separation, then we had a huge fight about her affairs (“with OM 1 it happened once and with OM 2 it was only a flirt”), shortly after she opened a little, then she went through a period when she was spiteful, then she opened again a little, then she went through a severe depression, then she opened a little again and now is selfish. I discovered by accident the ups and downs were created by the on and off presence of OM #2. Currently she is oscillating between being nice (sometime curious) and being cold. Another thing that worries me is she started drinking. She enjoyed a drink or two in the past but overall she was an anti-alcohol person. Her hobby of tarot cards reading turned into obsession and she is surrounded by books on astrology, numerology, and horoscopes.
Last year she tested the waters on division of assets issue. I made my point clear, she tried again later and 2 months ago she told me she does not want a D because she does not want to marry again. We all know the economic crisis the world is going through… $ are a big issue for her. Not that is anything wrong with having a financial security, but to certain limits. She makes more than I make and so far she sustained herself and afforded lavish spendings, including trips and… laser hair removal treatments.
I don’t want to do mind reading or create scenarios, this would be countereffective to the detachment I am so hungry for. Well, I passed the terrible stage of sordid details and accusing. Moreover, I forgave her in my mind and heart, and this gave me an immense inner peace. With the help of women like you and literature on MLC I understand what she is going through. Few months ago, when she was severely depressed, I told her I understand what she is going through. She jumped at me like a lioness and I repaired the mistake by simply telling her “you did not asked for this to happen”. She was speechless, but recovered quick and told me I am obsessed about the OM. My answer: No, but I was hurt as a man, husband, lover and partner”.
I am not trying to fix her, I simply let her see me in a positive perspective and let her navigate through this time. She knows I am there when she needs me and she knows I respect her privacy and she even acknowledged that. Is this approach right or wrong, I don’t know. But this is how I feel I should behave. A DB counselor told me my W’s crisis seems like being far from over but based on our circumstances if I want our R restored I would have to make her feel secure with me. My W probably does not know I would not throwing the affairs in her face. As you said, she was emotionally attached to both OM and saw them as the rescuers.
Regarding the waters testing question, thanks for answering, even we did not reach that stage. It looked to me few times she was testing, but I guess I was wrong. My W is a very proud, determined and ambitious woman and cares about what others are saying and please keep in mind she broadcasted our separation to the world. An ex-MLC told me breaking from this circle of “friends” was difficult and she was so scared she will look like a fool, but she made the mental decision this is not the life she wanted and 1 ½ years after the separation she was back with her H. Another friend of mine went through something similar and when she wanted to reconcile it was a little too late. Now she is depressed big time and scared of men. It seems they wake-up only when we find somebody. I am not saying our situation fits in those examples and others, but it looks like the general rules about women MLC apply.
The overall picture of our R does not look good at this point. I wish I could be more optimistic, but the reality kicks in. Few months ago she complained about being single, now she seems so well being alone. I’ ve heard numerous times a wake-up call is when they hit rock bottom. I really don’t know in our situation what this could mean and/or be.
