Both our kids will return back to their universities tomorrow. It is hard to believe that tonight might be the last night we spend as a family. I am writing this in the middle of the night. I can't sleep and I am not sure I woke my wife up when I got up to go to my computer in the room below our bedroom. I have heard her move a few times but I think she is still sleeping. I am downloading Michele Marriage Breakthrough Seminar as I type this.
Sometimes we have got along good but other times have been uncomfortable. My kids have been busy with their friends but we were altogether for New Years.
I not sure I can put this to the right time line but here are the highlights.
My wife and I went for a walk several afternoons ago when our kids were gone. I was avoiding any conversations about R/M. My wife to my surprise said that she has no problems with our hikes and going bowling but is having a hard time with the romancing. She confirmed that the affection I have been showing her makes her want to run away. I believe that she does not want to be touched by me at all. I asked about dancing since we have gone to several diner/dances this year. She that is not usually but can be. I have not touched her since.
I have asked her several times at night if she is ok with me holding her. She replies "Its OK" in a quite tone of voice. I guess I don't understand female talk! Why can't she tell me when I am doing something that she is finding uncomfortable? If she could have in the past it may have prevented her from being being traumatized by my last sexual advance (almost 2 years ago?).
She told me she has two major problems in our R now. The first is that she felt traumatized to the point where she thinks that she can never be physical with me again. The second is she is scared of what I will do to our finances. She says she thinks there will be a time when she gets tired of being a nun.
In thinking back when she said that I blew it and we would not ML again I wonder if she was having the internet EA at the time. I think that she was emotionally intimate with her internet friend during the times she was just laying their and letting me ML to her. If that was the case she may have been letting me do it out of guilt and I can see why it could have effected her so much. Once again why did she not let me know she did not want me to continue? In the past when she did not feel up to ML she was able to let me know without having say much if anything at all.
I bring this all up because I think this is what is the root of our R/M problems.
She told me recently about how she felt one night in a class for caretakers she was attending. She said the teacher had has said that the care taker should feel that they are paying back their spouse for all the love the spouse had shown them in the past. She said she felt very sad. I tried to validate but I (ok 2/4s) said something about not speaking the right love language. ( W if you read this someday and you have come out of your MLC/WAW please know that I am feeling that I should do all I can to save our M/R to owe you back for the times when you did love me.)
Sometime before the hike we were having a conversation and she had told me she had read a story about love in National Geographic. She said she knew most of what the article covered. Later I ask her if I could read it and she found the issue for me. Later that night she asked me what I had thought about the article. I said it was mostly about romantic love and not about the other type of love like the love between parents and children. I didn't say it but I think it also left out the love one develops by acting lovingly towards another person.
I am sure I have left stuff out but my download just finished.
