Trixi aka "The Pitbull who can't let go"

[Trixi]

You guys talk sooo much it may be different for you but I wanted to mention that. You "sound" strong and you feel better writing this stuff down, and hopefully it adds to your strength - but if he came to the door RIGHT NOW and said "You should move back in Trixi, I was an idiot, lets move on" - would you? Or would you express to him what you need? Be honest with yourself here... I think you might be surprised by the answer.

Well, actually, even though I went into our talk feeling like there would be a more positive outcome, I was a bit ambivalent that I would actually 'believe' him. When he was asking what I would need to see to show that there was forward progress, one of the things I said was that I would need to see that he understood how much he hurt me, because without that, I would worry that he would let his feelings dictate his actions. I said that I understood the desire to paint the past with a positive light (ie "look how much Trixi grew" "I needed to pursue my music") but if he couldn't see the damage he did, then how could I know it wouldn't happen again.

Sooooo, if he showed up on my doorstep RIGHT NOW-- I would tell him the list from above + more. I thought about the counseling thing and I would probably want to wrap it into a 'move back in' timeline. We have been to a couple other marriage counselors in the past without success, so I don't have a very good view of MC in general.

I know the FB thing and the getting to decorate sound sort of silly. For me, FB is something he could do within 5 minutes of arriving to show the world that he is with me. (Remember, I have been basically hidden this whole year.) So, it's what it represents to me. The decorating thing-- he has always been very interested in the decor of the house and I was fine with mission/craftsman style. But, now that I am on my own, I have gotten to express myself fully and I don't want to give that up....I think, actually, it represents more of 'me' being 'shown' to the world. Contrary to what he thinks (and how I have let things be) he isn't the center of the universe. I get to have a place in it, too. I count, for f*ck's sake! (Scuse my french.)

So, Nik, what sort of needs do you think aren't being met? I do remember when you guys were first starting towards getting back together and how exciting it would be that he would take you the races and you would get to spend all that time together. And how great you felt when he would introduce you as his W. So, obviously, we are way past that stage. I'm really curious as to what your list of requirements was/is. I am sure wearing rings was one thing, and you have that... (which reminds me, that is something else I would want...) Whatever happened to that bedroom you were prepping for yourself? Did he ever indicate that he could sense it was going to be 'yours'?

Wow, Loving_Life, you are really a cheerleader! You must be doing really well. Do you think it helps that you guys are across the country from each other? Or is it just the fine Portland weather that is bringing you so much joy? (LOL ) Are you doing a lot of meetups? Where are you in the D process?

I am sitting here with a prairie dog snuggling,I have a cute, cozy little house, my pellet stove is keeping me extra toasty, my jeep did FAB in the snow, I have a jigsaw puzzle going on my dining room table..I don't have a DUI to worry about, I don't feel the need to re-live my 20's, I don't have to drink or smoke weed to have fun....and I can look myself in the mirror and know that I have done all that I can (and more) to try to save the marriage.

I made him a "gold record" clock for Christmas with the name of his band on it. It was "The best Christmas gift" he has gotten "his whole life". (And he meant it sincerely.) He can tell me how "important" I am in his life, how nice it's been to have me at the house, that he needs me in his life and I make him a better person and yet he STILL couldn't commit. That's just sad.

I so appreciate your support--I am feeling strong this particular minute; but I know I will have weak moments and lack clear vision. For instance, next Wednesday when I drive SS to rehab, H is coming along. It's probably a 2 hour ride each way. The way there won't be bad because SS will be in the car...the way back..I'm nervous about that. OH! Not that I'll get tricked into a "lets go back to status quo"-more that he will start talking about logistics of D. I don't know if I am ready for that.