Moving out this weekend. Please help!

[Hopeful Husband]

Lonely D,

I am sure you have noticed that my thread has kind of stalled out the past several days. To tell you the truth the holidays hit me hard. I was out of town till the 30th visiting family. Thank God for them, it helped. Xmas on the 25th, my bday on the 29th. Traveling and seeing all the happy couples in the airports and such. Then I come back to Orlando just in time for New Years. Coming back to a house that is not mine and was empty I think depressed me the most. To be completely honest with you as the New Year rang in I was reading your thread. All of the negativity and darkness your were going through was almost exactly the way I have been feeling. During the last minute of 2008 I watched the ball drop on TV with tears in my eyes and all alone. I too planned on going to a party but my wife went to the same party. It was not a good idea that we went to the same party. I then shut off the TV and prayed for a while. I was on the verge of loosing it. I slept in till about 2pm on the 1st. Not very productive but if I am sleeping I do not feel the pain.

Lonely D I am saying this not to depress you further. I am telling you this because like everyone here you have inspired me early on. Don't give up man. I think you are on the right track about living on not expecting her to come back but still having an open heart for what the future may hold. Amy C seems to really know her stuff. I wish she would maybe drop by here. As for your ring that is up to only you. You would not be showing weakness either way. When my wife and I were starting to have serious problems in early October I lost my ring. Seriously! It fell off. It was a little big and on a cool morning my fingers shrunk I guess. I was on the phone with a client when I noticed that it was missing. I calmly ended the call then prceeded to freak out. I looked everywhere. I was so upset. People at the office jokingly said it was an omen. If they only knew. No one knew about our situation at that point. I called my wife very upset and asked her if she could go home at lunch and look for it. She seemed more irritated that I was interupting her lunch plans than the fact that I lost my ring. It was never found. Several people asked if she might have taken it off of me in my sleep. My mom even had a dream that she did (before it even happened, I didnt find this out till this past weekend). I like to think that she would not do something so terrible and until I am proven wrong I will stick with believing that. The strange thing is LD after all the possesions I have had to let go in the past month that is the one I miss the most. That is the one thing I want more than anything. I would still be wearing it. I know I would. But maybe that is why it is gone. Maybe God needed to take it away because he knew I wouldn't let it go alone. Like you LD I have so many questions. Many that we know may never be answered.

You have also helped me to realize that I too have not forgiven my wife completely. I have told her that I have but I am not sure anymore. I go through every emotion several times a day. I can be happy when I see an image of her and then quickly grow angry about her leaving our marraige and that usually ends in extreme sadness. You are absolutely right if you think all of this is not fair. Maybe its not supposed to be fair LD. Maybe this is a test for us. I am pretty young. I just turned 27 years old. Some might say that my whole life is still a head of me. That is both exciting and very scary at the same time. Like you I am not giving up. I will instead go on living as if she will never return to my arms but have an open heart as long as I can. She has done much to hurt me but I made a promise to her, myself, and God that I would love her and be there for her forever. The thought of moving on to another woman scares the hell out of me. It is hard at this point to retrain my heart to think that I could love another as much as I loved her. I DID NOT settle. She was the one. I wanted a family and life long partnership with her more than I have wanted anything in this world. I have must have seen thousands of people in my travels this past week. Not one as beautiful as she. As far as being friends. She says she wants me in her life because I am such an "amazing" person. Go figure. When the time is right I plan to tell her that I cannot be her friend. My friends do not lie to me and she has constantly (lately). I will tell that when she is ready to be absolutely honest with me she can contact me. Until then please stay out of my life.

This is a new year LD. I have made lists. Goals, plans, inspirations, thoughts, and desires. She is not on any of them. She does not have to be. I cannot forget about it even as badly as I want to at times. At this point I would bet that I will be divorced by the end of February. Everyone knows this is not my choice especially God and myself. There is not a damn thing I can do about it!!!! I HATE that. As men we are "fixers". This is not something we can fix. Maybe that is why it is so hard. They have to make the choices for them selves whether it is good for them or not. All we can do is sit back, say a prayer, and wish them the best. I pray several times a day that God watches over her but if she makes a mistake that is her choice not his. I have done all I can. It is in his hands now, he will lead me to a better life. Hang in there LD and anyone else reading this.